RhoYoshi

Growth of Genius, Gain from Pain

2010-06-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

Intelligence is like a tree
reaching for that bright mystery
which overhead it often hangs
and causes plant life such great pangs
that it will use its every inch
to this life source itself will winch
but if a shadow pales one side
and darkness one place always hides
the plant, instead of balanced growth
will furl itself (with greenish oath)
and reach, unbalanced, to the light,
and strain with such one-sided might,
that neighbor plants (though of same make)
will marvel at its upward take
and though behind their palmy fronds
they whisper that it "don't belong"
and oft predict such horrid ends
because their neighbor sideways bends
but it is not the first ones fault
and thus a genius skyward vaults.
Well rounded plants in decades hence
will marvel at the competence
of single minded genius greens
and of its progress they will glean,
while eying that poor sideways plant
that in their neighborhood grows slant.

My b-day

2009-07-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Today I would like to thank all the people who made this day extra special and made me feel really loved on my birthday

*ahem*

Josh, Dad, Grandma, Mom, Jessica, Visalia Mom, Visalia Dad, Adam, Mike, Alicia, Lauren, Katie, Jeri, Kumiko, Kathleen, Ambre, Andrea, Jenn, Cindy, Ramon, Bonnie, Sarah, Donna, Brian, Stephanie, Rebecca, Joy, Carlos, Gloria, Rebecca, Rick, Fish, Auntie Gracie, Ba-chan, Joel, Chris, Bill, all my basketball girls, Keiko, Monica, Matt, Bob, Dee.

Special props go out to Grandma for the chocolate, Dad for the lunch, Josh for getting up "early" to come to lunch with me, Rick and Gloria for the awesome dinner, Gloria and Rebecca for the work out, my boss for sending me a card, Monica for texting me, Mom for texting me in CAPS (and pushing me out 27 years ago), umm, and I think that's it.

You all really did make me feel so amazingly special and I loved hearing from all of you! Thank you!

A Toast to my Brother on his Wedding Day

2009-06-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

You were the reason that God first spoke to me. You were the first person that I ever had to wait so long to see. You were a much expected and longed for person. In the selfishness of my childhood, you are the first person that I ever looked after besides myself.

The first time I held you, you with your red face and shock of dark hair, my heart grew. Jessica and I spent hours when you were a baby, trying to make you smile, trying to make you laugh. You were the Sun of our galaxy, our pride and joy. We looked out for you and up to you like we had no other. Your attention was the greatest prize in our young lives. You made Mom smile almost as much as Dad.

When you became able to talk and understand, you turned to the Lord and your first act was to lead others to him. It was your youthful example and words that I have used to lead others to him.

The hours that we spent playing together - imagining ourselves to be great people, good people, brave people, heroic people, inventive people - those hours made a hunger grow in me to actually become someone great, good, brave, heroic, and inventive.

When you started school I worried over your grades more than mine. I hoped that you would have good friends more than I worried that I didn't. Every step that you took after me made me hold my breath because I knew how hard that step was because I'd just taken it myself. Even things like learning to swallow your vitamins whole concerned me.

Nothing made me angrier, not even Jessica (although I fought with her more often), than lacks of character on your part. When I was a child I saw you as part of me, and when you didn't measure up, those rare times, I was furious with you. I think that dad and I had that in common when it came to you. You bore our projections as a child, and I think that made your way more difficult at times. But here you are.

In high school, you started to become, not just my echo, but your own self. Picking and choosing things that were different from me and new to me. You were the first Barber kid who wasn't a nerd in high school - or was at least a cool one. I marveled at your social ability. ;D

When I helped you move out of Mom and Dad's, going through your room was a pleasure. The things that you've collected through the years - your "junk" - were bits and pieces of life. Things that you've lived. Songs that you've sung. Drawings and poems and weapons that you've made. I loved seeing so many parts of you. The younger parts that I knew so well, and the older parts that I was pleased to see you came up with all on your own.

You were the reason that I resisted temptation in a lot of things. You were the reason, (well, you and Dad) - in my vilest temper with men - that I knew not all men were evil. Your patience and thoughtfulness through the years have taught me in ways that I never taught you. Even though you're younger, I look up to you in a lot of things. And here you are, on the first step of adulthood, with a good woman who you've found to marry.

No more drooling kisses and toothless grin. No more two-year-old curls. No more monsters, bad guys, or wars to fight in the back yard. But still plenty of silliness at the dinner table. More than enough competitive choke each other out fights. Absolute bounties of songs sung horribly off-key on purpose. Tons of raised eyebrow looks. Depths of thoughtfulness, patience, and just a touch of fool-hardiness. You are a man, but all that you were goldenly echoes through your personality.

I'm proud of you. I love you deeply. And I can't wait to celebrate this day with you!

Here's to you! Cheers!

so messed up

2009-06-17T16:38:00.001-07:00

I just got back from an amazingly fun and relaxing backpacking trip with my dad. Well, relaxing aside from hearing the bobcats yowl at each other throughout the night. It was beautiful and smelled amazing!

I literally had just finished buying a graduation present for one of my girls when I got a call from her saying that she'd been sexually assaulted and wasn't going to be able to meet with me tonight because she was at the police station giving a report on what had happened to her. I am so sad for her right now. Here she is, just graduated, in what should be one of the happiest times of her life, and this happens to her - is forced on her. I hate evil. I can't wait for God to come and make all this sickness of spirit and mind finally go away. May the end come soon and may God have mercy on us all.

So now I am grieving for my poor little girl, being here for her, praying for her, wondering how I can possibly help her. She keeps crying and is so distressed that she's throwing up a lot. Lord see this. Lord be with her. Lord hear her. Help your children.

New Little Brothers

2009-05-27T12:22:00.001-07:00

I just got two new little brothers in Christ (as did some of you). Some of you and myself are now spiritually related to Jonathan and Jacob. It was really neat! I got to lead them in their first prayer and answer all their questions and then pray for them some more. I love my study hall! Best class ever!

Please pray for them now as they are starting out on their journey with Jesus. Pray for strength, for discernment of God's voice, and that they would really clearly feel God's love and support and continue on with him. Pray that they would long to follow God more than they would want to sin. Pray that God makes these ones stick and keeps them forever.

One of them (Jonathan) really feels like he's supposed to talk to his parents about God now. So pray for him as he continues to spread the Gospel. Pray especially for him when he talks to his Dad, because he said that God really wants him to talk to his Dad, and he's nervous about it.

Yay! The kingdom increases!

Two Blackbelts

2009-05-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, my husband is now the proud owner of not just a black belt in Karate, but also one in jujitsu. After only one more semester of training than me he has his black belt and I (very rightfully) am still only in possession of a white one. It's really fun to have a husband who is smarter at some things than I am! I love seeing him succeed. To misquote Jane Austen, "I knew that he could not be so beautiful for nothing!"

Spiritual Discipline: Humility

2009-05-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

I just started the unit that I'm incorporating Spiritual Disciplines to in my Childhood Development class. I was talking about the Spiritual Discipline of Gratitude, but I experienced humility - I ended up crying when I was talking about how God used the breast-cancer scare in my life. Really odd - I used to would have been embarrassed about crying in public, but it was right... it was the right response and it was honest and earnest and I think that God used my crying and truthfulness to speak to the kids. I cried when I talked about how I realized, in the middle of being scared that I had cancer, that God was using me in the waiting room and that he was allowing me to be there and go through this because he loved _those_ women too - not just me, and how great God was for not loving just me, but loving all of us. I'm really looking forward to introducing these kids to the different disciplines, and looking forward to doing them more myself. It's a really neat time!

I'm back

2009-04-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have made it home safely - fairly safe and fairly sound. Europe was amazing, but life will be even more amazing when Josh gets home from work and I get to see him again! I can't wait! (well, I suppose that I have to). Tomorrow we're off to Vegas, which'll be nice, but it is past 8am Italy time, and I've had 3 hours of fairly interrupted sleep since yesterday morning. I'm a little loopy and can't wait to sleep as well, but I'm determined to stay up and see my husband. Anyways, Europe was a blast and I hope that you enjoyed the pics on Heraldtracks Europe trip (I wrote all of those and half those pics were from my camera, so it was my side blog in Europe). Post more later. Love to you all!

in Europe

2009-04-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

to see my daily progress go to www.heraldtracks.com. Love you guys! Haven't slept yet

Sex Week

2009-04-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

In Childhood Development this week we are having what the kids call Sex Week. It's really Adolescence Week - discussing how the body changes ... but we did talk about sex an awful lot. I also talked about porno addiction, sex before marriage, std's, long term consequences of short term thinking, etc. The funny thing? A little over a month ago a parent complained to the powers that be that I had mentioned sex in class (well, I had), however, every single student in my Child Development class got parental permission for me to talk to them about sex. Huh. That's just funny. Makes me wonder who forged their slip. Our discussions also made me wonder if they realized how much I know about them by what they ask and where they look when I answer. I could just about for sure tell you who is having sex, who is addicted to porn, and who gets drunk on the weekends. Those eyes give away so much!

Tonight Josh and I went and bought the final things for my trip. After that our shooting buddy Ray, who works for Glockworx, came over and shaved down my grip and did all sorts of nice things to my gun for me (for less than half price! Go shooting buddies!) Aside from making my garage smell like beer and hot plastic, he made my gun grip specifically fit my and only my hand. (The whole time I was thinking ... is it smart to let him drink while he's working on my gun? But he seemed happy, and then happier when we sent all the left over beer home with him). I now literally have a grip made just for me. I can't wait to go shoot it! (But it will wait, until after Europe).

Last night Josh and I slept with the window open. I woke up about every hour (and yes, I did look at the clock) because I could hear the birds chirping so much clearer. (And what self-respecting type of mockingbird goes through its series of car alarms at 2 in the morning?) But honestly? I loved it! With the fresh air and the sounds of animals, I felt like I was camping and even though I woke up so much, I felt a lot more relaxed and rested this morning than I have in a long time. It reminded me of high school and college, when the birds would always wake me before my alarm clock, and then I would stare at my shrimp dancing around in their tank until I officially had to get up. Good times and good memories! It was a blessing to wake up feeling refreshed!

Well, my fish is moved home for the break (and hopefully Josh will feed it). My clothes are all washed and ready to pack. I need to actually pack tomorrow, call my family one last time, wrap up all my grades and class prep, and then pray a little bit more. It's almost time. If I can I will post from Europe, but I don't know if I will be able to. Love ya!

and then some

2009-04-06T20:49:00.001-07:00

So, Josh has begun redemption ... yesterday he took me to REI and let me buy a bunch of stuff for my Europe trip and then took me out to Lawry's for dinner. Today he bought me two cameras (one is a back-up you see) spending more on me than he did on my engagement ring. Tomorrow? He's going to run errands and get all my odds and ends that I need for my trip. Yup, he spends a lot of money on himself, but apparently he's willing to spend it on me too. It's kind of nice to know.

a healthy week

2009-04-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm going to Europe in less than a week now, yikes. But aside from my mounting anxiety about _other_ continents, I've had a really healthy week. Not just a physically healthy week, which it was that, but an emotionally healthy week.

This week I've hung out with Josh a lot on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I went and ran before jujitsu with Fish and Gloria, and then went to class, so I wasn't lonely missing Josh at home again. Tonight I went over to Gloria and Rick's house for dinner. Gloria and I worked out too. In a sad little way, it reminded me of all those nights when I used to go over to Jeff and Deb's and have such a good time. My married people friends who let me be part of their family when Josh is off being busy... all those nights working out with Jeff and hanging out with Deb and watching them make their spinach and brown-rice chicken dinners. All gone.

Gloria is my friend from jujitsu. She's originally from Colombia, and originally Catholic. She's now quasi-American and quasi-Christian. It's a funny thing, whenever I hang out with Rick and Gloria they always ask me to pray for the food and they always want to talk to me about God and God's love and how they were hurt by the Church, but they still really love God. But as I was saying, Gloria is from Colombia. She's Spanish-speaking although is about the best English-as-a-second-language speaker that I've ever met. Rick, in all his fifteen years being with Gloria, has never learned Spanish, but he's been asking me to teach him.

So tonight I started teaching him. It was really sweet. I brought over a couple books that outline basic Spanish grammar and started going through them with him. Gloria sat on the couch and, for the most part, just listened. Having never been taught how to teach Spanish to a non-native speaker, all her attempts to teach Rick Spanish had ended up in fights and hurt. But when I laid out the basic ar, er, ir verbs to Rick he got them and flew with them. It was cool because Gloria listened quietly the whole time, every once in a while saying, "Oh, that's the difference between ser and estar. I always wondered why we used them differently." and making other comments about things that she'd never understood about her native language. The coolest, most heart-breakingly beautiful thing though, was to watch the look of love in her eyes as her husband finally started making sentences in her language, and to watch the manly determination of her husband as he struggled through the pronunciation and grammar. I could almost feel a deep click of a link being added onto the chain of reasons why she loves him and the expression of true love that he feels for her. It was such a neat thing to watch! There is nothing so great as to know that God used me to work out his will, and that's something that I got to do tonight. I got to be used to strengthen a marriage - and with Spanish of all lunatic things! It's one thing to teach high schoolers, knowing that God will someday use that knowledge for his good. It's another thing to get to see his good carried out right in front of my nose. Yup, Rick is getting some tonight! Go marriage!

Josh and I WON!

2009-03-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

We won our SSA matches! http://www.ssashooter.net/
As you can see, I'm the top D shooter and he was the top B shooter yesterday. GO US! ha ha ha, and I beat his sheriff friend who was the top shooter in his class. Sweet! So fun!

humm, hmm, hmm, ha

2009-03-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Today, today was an excellent day in many ways. Even though I was amazingly stupid, not thinking about how much caffeine I've drunk this last week and I slept in until 12, waking up with a blinding headache from not having drunk caffeine for several hours ... it was still a great day. I laid around on the coach and read all day. My house is clean (because we're having friends over tomorrow night). And then I got to have dinner with a girl that I really enjoy and care about. Yup, good day! There's nothing like catching up on your sleep to make you feel great!

My only regret is that I didn't get to hang out with my niece today like she wanted to. Last night she invited me over for dinner (I wonder if her parents knew?) but I was already booked so I told her that I couldn't and she looked so sad. How is Cinderella supposed to go to the ball without her godmother? (She has decided that she's Cinderella and I'm the fairy godmother). Last night was really fun too! Sam, with his great 2-year-old imagination, decided that my hair was a great place to drive his toy trucks, cars, and tractors in. They kept getting "stuck" in my hair and had to be pulled out by a tractor (which involved quite a bit of work!) It was funny because occasionally they actually did get stuck in my hair and then he wasn't quite sure how to get them out (apart from yanking, which didn't work very well). Katie and Jane are recognizing me now and smiling, cooing, and walking to me. It is such a sweet thing to be loved by little kids!

Josh is working over time again tonight, but I'll get to see him tomorrow so that'll be awesome! I love it when we get to see each other and have time to hang out together! He put on a bbq at work today and apparently it went really well. =) It's so fun to see him do the things that he's good at!

I'm the spider looking up at the magnifying glass

2009-03-19T21:22:00.001-07:00

and the view seems awfully reversed. I should be the one looking down. Being an adult is so strange! And it strikes me that teachers must have a singularly odd psych profile - to have such utterly strong convictions (no matter what religion or creed) that despite what a room full of teenagers may say - what you (the teacher) are saying is so important that they oughta shut up and listen to you for 55 minutes straight strikes me as ... slightly insane, hmm, maybe zealous, and awfully over confident. And yet I teach. They say that teenagers think that they know everything? Gee, I wonder what role models they get that complex from?

This has been a crazy hyped-up week, what with WASC accreditation and all. Yesterday was our last day of accreditation and after school we had a meeting from which I went straight to tutoring, ran home, threw on a dress, and went and saw the stunning Alvin Ailey at the Dorothy Chandler because I was chaperoning a field trip for the dance class. Today after school I ran over to help out with our track meet - ah the bitter sweet memories! Is it totally sad that I wish that I still got to be on the track team? To not have to motivate myself to run but have a coach yell at me and design all my workouts? They are so lucky!

This whole week I haven't gotten more than 5 1/2 hours of sleep per night and I've been living on caffeine and sugar. I keep having trouble keeping my Spanish separate from my English and I caught myself mumbling to myself as I walked through Costco today. All I need is hair rollers, a worn out bathrobe, a few dozen cats, and I am set to be the crazy lady! I am actually going to go to bed soon and the Lord willing get 8 1/2 hours of sleep, but I will leave you with one last thing. Each year we coaches have to come up with something to write in the senior's memory books - one last word to leave with them. After the rough season I really didn't know what to say, so I put it off till the last minute and here is what I came up with for them:

A woman is known for her fear of the Lord
She's something real fiercesome and grand
A woman is power, community too
A woman is lending a hand
A woman - submission, humility, grace
Dark backdrop on which the stars shine
A woman is growing to help others grow
Be spice that makes all things sublime!

When I read that again this Summer, after I've recovered some sleep and sanity ... I really hope that it's not something that I'll be embarrassed of!

Here we come a lentening: A Trinity of Experience

2009-03-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Here we are, the second week of Lent, and I am seeing results of God's work already. I am, once again, having my students celebrate Lent by fasting and picking a Spanish-speaking country to pray for and look for signs of God moving in that country (while I fast, pray for my students, and look for signs of God moving in them). One of my students caught me yesterday after class and told me that she picked Mexico and she always hated Mexicans and while she was praying last week she kept hearing the song, "open the eyes of my heart Lord" while she was praying and she realized that God LOVES Mexicans and she repented of her racism and is starting to see them differently. I laughed with joy as I pointed out to her that she HEARD God talking to her! (So cool to see!) The saddest story is the boy who came to me at lunch today and told me that he doesn't like praying and that this project is really hard for him because he has never heard God talk to him before in his entire life so he's really struggling to have the faith to even pray. I am really praying for him, that God would open his ears and eyes to see and hear God's voice and love. Please pray for him too.

My little Katie, the girl that I tutor, when I left her on Monday was elated that she finally understood how Spanish worked. Her Spanish teacher, however, upon seeing her all-of-the-sudden correct answers decided that Katie was cheating and Tuesday saw Katie leaving class crying. Her mom talked to Katie's counselor today, who I am pretty sure is my friend Vicky who I know from ISF, and there ends the story for now. We'll see next week where it's all going. The thing is, I've seen God's fingers in this pudding too much to be distressed and I'm curious to see what he's doing with it. There are just too many coincidences. Me and Vicky in this family's life? Is this how God is going to lead them to salvation? What blessing is he going to do for them? I can hardly wait to see.

The third thing is an interesting dream that I had a few nights past. It was an analogy that God gave me for life. In my dream, (my) Josh and I were hiking in the dry hills on a hot day where the clouds are high and wispy with that light light blue sky that you get here in high Summer. We were walking through snake country, but I had had inoculations against snake poison. Josh saw a thin black snake with one red stripe down each side and picked it up out of curiosity. As he was holding it, it leaped out and bit me on the top of my right arm, in the muscle. As I watched my skin began to ooze with infection, but it wasn't fatal like it would have been because of the inoculation. In an odd dream fast-forward, the bite mark began to heal, but kept oozing a little and crusted over with that odd yellow scab. It burned, and hurt blazingly, and I was furious with Josh for picking up a dangerous snake, but I realized that it would all be ok because I had been freed from the consequence of death. The Josh in my dream represented a part of me. It was I who picked up the snake. The inoculation was Jesus' blood. The bite and poison was sin. The pain that I suffered was real, I suffer because of my sin and other's sin, but it isn't a fatal suffering. Even though I do dumb stuff and pick up snakes that I know I shouldn't, and I suffer for it, or even when I'm just viciously attacked by the Devil, I am inoculated and won't die. This is what Jesus has done for me. This is what Jesus has done for all of us. I woke up with a feeling of horror, wondering if a snake bite hurt so much, how much more did the whip that bit Jesus hurt?

Ask and you shall receive

2009-03-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago, sitting at my chiropractor's I heard a mother trying to talk her daughter into having her boyfriend tutoring her for Spanish. Her daughter refused because it would be SO embarrassing! So I introduced myself, told them what I did and that I offer tutoring. I gave them my number, chatted a bit, and left it at that. After I didn't hear from them for a week I figured that they found someone else, but today I got a call.

So now I'm tutoring Uncle Phil's neighbor (such an fun coincidence!) for $40 an hour twice a week. I tutored her for the first time tonight and she's a sweetheart. I guess I will have some money to buy new clothes for my Europe trip after all. (Most important item on that list? Walking shoes!) It was just a cool God thing. It's funny to have a part-time job again, now that I'm working full time. But all my full-time money goes to grown-up stuff, so it's neat to have some income that I'm not obliged to save for a house with. =)

what we dream of

2009-03-06T15:28:00.000-08:00

I taught the future tense to my kids this last week or so, and so I had them write just 10 sentences about what they wanted to do/be in the future. They all wanted to graduate high school, go the college, have a career, hopefully get married, and have 2-6 children. Boil it down, and we all want to work, relate, and reproduce. That is apparently what God made us for. It seems so simple, these sweet dreams that my students have, but when faced with real life, the trails of college, relationship, finances, temptation, and betrayal, how many of these dreams will become reality? I know that my high school dreams still haven't all come true, despite all of my hard work. I'm still missing that last piece. I can only pray that God will protect my hopeful students and grant them these blessings in his own time. I can only pray the same for myself as well.

The more that I look at life and the psychology of development, the more I realize how frail we are. We balance on the point of a knife daily. Each day is capable of changing the events of history forever. It seems that we could be too powerful for our own good, and yet we rarely realize it or act on it. And great evil seems so much easier to accomplish than great good. But it is not usually the huge events that move us forward, but the daily work and steady discipline that we come to know and love under the direction of the Almighty. It is the simple small things that bring us pleasure and fulfillment, and the continuous hope of a better future. It is the past the inspires or embitters us, the now that we struggle against, and the future that beckons for better or for ill. It is never our choice to live, but since we have been given life we prove what sort of fibre we are made of by how we stand up to the unasked for challenges.

Faculty Devotion Notes

2009-02-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

So, I don't have to lead devotions for a few months yet, but when it gets close I get nervous and can't think of anything to say. So here is the outline of what I've been thinking about saying the last few months.

Faculty Devotions 2009

I. Not Judging:

A. Matt. 7:1-2 Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.

B. James 4:12 But you – who are you to judge your neighbor?

II. Forgiveness

A. Eph. 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.

B. Col. 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

C. Matt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

III. His Kindness leads to repentance: Romans 2:1-4

IV. It is ok to mourn and feel pain: 2 Samuel 1 (David mourns the death of Saul, Jonathan, and the Israelites. He mourned for Saul, even after all that Saul had done to him. I think that he was also mourning what Saul was call to have been, but didn’t fulfill because of his sin.)

V. His Grace is a seed that grows in our hearts. As we do what he says that seed multiplies, blooms, and gives off more seeds.

A. John 16:20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. (Jesus talking about the end times)

B. John 12:24 Very truly I say unto you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But it if dies, it produces many seeds. (Jesus talking about his death)

VI. God doesn’t give up on us. Lamentations – when Israel was being punished for their evil deeds, even in the midst of this, Lam. 3:21-32, so we shouldn’t give up on him, ourselves, or each other.

Forgot to tell you!

2009-02-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

Shooting is going a LOT a lot better. Weekend before last I finally won the E class division enough times to be promoted to the D class. And yesterday I shot well enough to win the D class. (Technically, it doesn't count as a win because it was rainy and so there was only 1 other person in the D class present, but I did beat him, along with some C class shooters too). I'm finally getting more comfortable with the gun, sure that the bullet is going where I think it should go, and I've found a position to stand in that is comfortable enough that I can stay in it the whole time without hurting my back. The real turning point for me was the Pala match, down near San Diego, when Josh didn't come along because he had work. Not having Josh there really helped because I didn't care what anyone else there thought of me and so I relaxed and did a lot better. Once I learned how to relax and enjoy myself my shooting improved drastically. Way more fun! My accuracy is better than Josh's now, but he's still faster so he still beats me ... but someday, we'll be a lot closer. I just gotta keep working on it.

It was cool. Yesterday there was a "bonus shot" in one of the matches that I didn't even try for because I didn't want to waste time shooting at something that I didn't think I could hit. It was really far away and the smallest plate that our club has. When we had all finished the match we decided to try and see if we could actually hit that plate. Josh hit it on the third try. I hit it on the first. The best shooter in our club actually came and shook my hand when he saw me make the shot. I got a kick out of that. I don't think that I would have been able to hit it during the competition though, because to be that accurate at that range I have to go really slow and gentle with the trigger and competition has a lot to do with speed.

snap crackle pop

2009-02-16T15:17:00.000-08:00

I went to see the chiropractor today. He's one of my TA's dads. It was really great. Apparently my neck is really messed up. I have to say, it was the only Dr.'s appointment that I've even had where the doctor called me 3 hours later to make sure that I was doing ok and then said, "Wow, and to see from your x-rays, I can really tell why your neck has been hurting you." I'm going back on Wednesday. It was cool though, because I had sent Josh to go see him last week for Josh's back stuff, and the Dr. totally loved him, remembered him and thought that Josh was just the nicest guy. Of course, his son is also a sheriff, so that might have something to do with it. ;D It was cool to see a doctor that I actually felt cared about us though and explained my back stuff by saying, "You see, the way God made it to work is ..."

Just a slight sigh...

2009-02-12T15:02:00.001-08:00

This Saturday Josh works from 2pm to 2am. That means no Valentine's Day for me. I do, however, get to babysit Deb's adorable little boy while she and Jeff go out, which is great, but still, slight sigh at life. And the thing of it? If I weren't American it wouldn't even matter.

The rest of life is going well. I'm really enjoying my classes. Some days it's hard to believe how much I really love my job. The kids are so great and even my rough class was angelic today. Today is our last league game for basketball so I'm looking forward to getting more gym time soon.

Some days I am tempted to depression, but when I look at my life, it's honestly wonderful and I really can't justify feeling sad.

Confession

2009-02-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

I went to a Catholic Mass today at the church down the street from me. I miss the liturgy and I really can't stand to be Episcopalian. Is it ok to choose the less heretical of the two? And no, I didn't take communion, which sucked, but it was still cool to go and hear it and they had a really cool homily and I like how they encourage families. I've never heard a sermon that pro-family in all my life (especially as it was given by a celibate guy!) and to be honest, it was really heartening. Maybe there would be less divorce if there were more active support for marriages like that. He talked about vocation, and how each of us have a job to do here on Earth before we die and that in order to know what we are supposed to do we need to have an active prayer life and talk to God and then listen for him to tell us what to do. It was nearly downright charismatic!

I know that Catholics get a bad rap because so many people say that they are Catholic and then act like creeps, but isn't that the same of the Protestants as well? I think that if you really follow after Jesus you'll be less of a creep, and that goes for all types of Christians, quaking, incensing, tonguesing, and otherwise. For all that the Catholics have arrogant pomp, and the Protestants have arrogant laxity, there is a true love for Christ in each denomination and that makes us family. I also like how the church is laid out in a cross shape. I sat at one of the arms so that I could meditate on a stained glass window of the nativity while I devoted. Everyone in it was looking at Jesus, and that it how it ought to be.

Fun times

2009-02-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

The funnest thing that I've seen this last week? On the freeway there was a big, blue exercise ball bouncing around between lanes. It was like a beach ball at graduation. Very very fun!

I confess that I'm really enjoying The Office.

I also confess that I'm really enjoying my 2.5 T.A.'s. I wonder what things I can come up with for them to do? ... hmmm... creative suggestions welcome. I could randomly send them to serenade people who it would really bug ... hmm... practical jokes on other classes? ... this needs some thought.

Spanish III: They are learning the present perfect ex: I have written on my blog today. They had to come up with questions. My fav?

Kid 1 (in Spanish): Have you died?
Kid 2 (in English): That's a dumb question.
Kid 1 (in English): Not if I'm asking Jesus.

My other problem this week? I'm starting to have a really hard time keeping a straight face when the kids are totally wrong. I have several kids who, even though we are only working on the present perfect, insist on answering everything in the preterite. It's so funny!!! They answer so seriously and they are so wrong! (Gratifying: at least they are using the preterite correctly!)

Not fun part of life? Basketball is losing a lot and getting really grumpy about it. Sigh. We're totally better than the other teams, but we're being sloppy and not putting in the easy baskets. It's not very fun to spend a lot of time coaching people and then see them not play up to their potential.

Ah well, Europe is coming up soon. That will be new and exciting. I love adventures!

The Social Necessity of Certification

2008-12-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

I agree with the movie Good Will Hunting where it talks about that you don't need to go to school to learn things. How it's silly that people can learn amazing things for free at a local library, but instead pay thousands to go to school to learn the same things. I think that the drive to get a certificate saying that you know things is only a social necessity. We go to school because
1. we are lazy and tend to not push ourselves to learn things on our own
2. we have the often wrong idea that a piece of paper saying someone knows something insures that they (a) know it and (b) will use it properly for your advantage
3. we like to look smart.

I find that when I read at home I read scifi/fantasy, basically mind candy. When I read at Starbucks, basketball games, or Borders ... you know, somewhere public, I tend to read smart sounding books. In fact, I go to Borders and Starbucks sometimes because I know that I will read something worthwhile there. Just like when I exercise in public I do a much better job of it than when I exercise in private (if I even bother exercising in private, more often I sleep in). I want complete strangers to think well of me and approve of my smart and healthy behaviors. My social drive actually does a lot for me. If it weren't for others I would be a dumb, fat, slob.

In a gym I like the idea that I fit in with all the healthy looking individuals around me. I strive to be healthy with them. In a school I like the idea that I fit in with all the smart people around me. I strive to fit in. In my Christian workplace I like that I'm surrounded by people who are trying to be good God-lovers. I strive to love God better. Maybe others, like me, lack the personal motivation, but have a basic desire to better ourselves, and so we put ourselves in situations where we feel forced to do what is healthy for us.

Lots of people say that we are dumb in groups "stupidity by committee" and all that, but I suggest that it is often groups that motivate us to be better as well. It all depends on the group that you choose.

"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but the companions of fools suffers harm."

Food for thought. Go to Starbucks and think about it.

A Treatise on Nerdiness

2008-12-17T18:52:00.001-08:00

I think that nerdiness is the result of an over-productive passion (obsession) that is based and limited to one subject. So you could be nerdy about many different things, but only on a one-at-a-time basis. For example you can have a math nerd, a science nerd, a one-line joke nerd, and, my beautiful husband who is currently being passionately nerdy about cooking a good meal for our friends who are coming over. The thing? Nerds are kinda cute - especially when their obsession produces good things. ;D

facts and suches

2008-12-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

In my cooking class the kids are making gingerbread houses this week (the same ones Keiko and I made last year) and it's pretty darn fun. One group decided to made a gingerbread tepee, and it's pretty cute, but I think that it may have turned into a volcano.

Shooting is pretty fun for me, and interesting. Well, the shooting is fun. Josh and I go with some friends, Jeffrey and Flora. I'm an E class shooter, Josh and Flora are C class shooters, and Jeffrey is a B class shooter. For the last two weeks I have won first place in my class, but I shoot the whole time with the other three, not with people who are in the same class as I am. I am at least twice as slow as they are. Every single time I shoot with them I feel like I'm four years old again, running after Jess, not being able to do anything as well as all the people that I'm with. It's very frustrating. Josh keeps saying, "Well, next year you'll be as good as we are now" which is what I heard my entire childhood from my parents. It's not a phrase that I like hearing. In fact, I hate it. Each week I go to the indoor range and practice by myself. Each Sunday I go hoping that I'll be a little bit closer to their speed. And each match I feel like I'm the slow child again. Sigh. I hate growing character. It hurts.

the cutest thing!

2008-12-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

Over-hearing a conversation between a Brazilian student and a Korean student about how to address mail (in America) and which side the stamp goes on. So cute!

On the sad end of things, I'm desperate for vacation. My patience with my misbehaving students is rapidly dwindling and instead of reacting calmly I'm letting them get to me. Ack! How do I love the kids that drive me nuts? (and not just the ones that are easy to love?)

I'm going shooting (at the range) after school today. That'll help a bit, but it's not a permanent love-filled fix.

A Nerdy Moment

2008-12-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

All nerds need a moment to appreciate their hobby every now and then, here is mine:

Today my "A Frequency Dictionary of Spanish" arrived in the mail. This is a book of the most often used 5,000 words in Spanish listed NOT in alphabetical order, but in the order that they are most used in. I'm in Heaven. At word #746 I have only not known 8 of the words (from Spanish to English). I don't know how high my English to Spanish skills would be though. But the first word that I didn't know, #343 reads as follows, "ello pron it (subj-n) ?que se perdia con ello?" (obviously the first question mark is upside-down and I'm missing the accent marks on que and perdia).

This word, "ello", utterly confounds me. For years I have been telling poor pathetic Spanish 1, 2, anad 3 students that there is no such word as "ello" because they figure that since the singular ella turns into the plural ellas, that logically the plural ellos reverts back into the singular ello instead of the actual word "el with an accent on the e". Sigh. There would be a word called ello. What I don't get is who on Earth ever uses this word? I speak Spanish and hear it all the time and in all my 12 years of this language I have never heard this word except in mistaken students. Who uses this word so much that it ranks above important words like "hand" and "room?"!?! Where are they? Is is just some random guy who sits in a room all day saying "ello" to make up for the billions of Spanish speakers who NEVER say this word? Or did they all get together and say, "Hey, we'll trick her. Whatever you do, don't say ello in front of her. Boy, this will be a good joke!"

#343. my downfall.

sigh.

it's been a while

2008-12-07T18:31:00.002-08:00

Well ... I've been busy teaching and living and enjoying my new place for the past month and a half. Josh and I are still saving for a house. He was so sweet this week and bought me my first real Christmas tree for our place. Today I won the shooting competition for my class. I'm really enjoying shooting but I want to be able to practice a lot more and kick everyone else's butt! Basketball season has officially started. We had a tournament this last week and won 2nd place, which for these pre-season tournaments is pretty darn good. Our first game of the season is this week.

It's funny, last year bb felt all-consuming, but after the real all-consumption of last summer, I realize now that I still have time for lots of hanging out and relaxation. This year is just all around a LOT easier than last.

Dee's back is hurting her, so we won't be doing the 1/2 marathon this January. I'm really sorry that she's not doing well, and I'm sorry that I won't get that great runner's body, but I'm not so sorry about missing the hours and hours of running.

It's been really fun to TA the mountain bike class this semester. As fun as road riding is, I honestly just enjoy mountain biking more. Maybe because of all those memories of me and dad ... and then me and Josh in the early years. Road is fun, but not as alive as mountain.

Josh is doing well. Each week he comes up with something different that he wants to buy, but he's actually only buying new stuff about once a month, which is down a lot from a year ago (yay).

So ... over all life is pretty darn good. And I have to say that the cynic in me is just trying to enjoy it while it lasts because I know this world too well to think that happiness can exist for very long.

it's been a while

2008-12-07T18:31:00.001-08:00

fonetics

2008-10-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

tee hee! Today I spent first period trying to get my Spanish 3 kids to read Spanish correctly - making the right noises. It was very fun, most of them improved remarkably by the end of the period. There were 3 kids though, who I swear can't hear the noises that they are making. Their vowels are long and sloppy, their d's and b's are hard and harsh, and their tongues are bunched up and ready to strike any languid rolling Spanish sounds down where they should be uttered.

The story that I'm having them read is an excerpt from a story by a Puerto Rican native talking about memorizing a soliloqui in English. The best part of the story is that she memorized her soliloqui phonetically, not understanding the English that she was saying. So I had this poor English native speaker, reading English written phonetically in Spanish. It was quite entertaining, and I think that it helped her a lot! (For example "you" was written "llu" because that's how you would spell that sound in Spanish.) Lots of laughter and self-correcting!

Yesterday I got to play hostess to my wonderful sis and her kids, and then my friends from work spent the night because she lives far away and had a late meeting at school so I invited her over so that she would actually get a decent amount of sleep. It is such a joy to have a house that I'm comfortable in and not ashamed of. I love sharing this great place!

Please pray for me and my friends this weekend. We're going down to Mexico on Saturday to build a house. Love to all!

We Are IN!

2008-10-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

Last night, around 10pm, we took our last load over to our new place. It's a complete mess, but I feel so blessed! Thanks especially to Fish, Josh P., Rob, Dee, and Brian, we are moved. I love my new place. It feels like ours already. It's like a giant present from God. We are both exhausted, and poor Josh has to go back to work today, but we are so happy. Thank you for your prayers!

First Sunday

2008-09-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

This last Sunday was the first Sunday in over a year that I got to go to church with Josh. I was so incredibly happy! It's amazing how thankful I was the whole time - and just how great it was to sit next to him! After that we went and shot SSA, which rocked. I didn't do as badly at shooting as I thought I would and Josh was, of course, amazing. He got put in a higher competitive level after his Sunday performance. After that we went out to a really yummy Chinese restaurant by the San Gabriel Mission. They must have served us 12 different dishes. We went there with the family of one of our Chinese friends. Most of the conversation wasn't in English. But they were really impressed that I ate everything - especially the jellyfish and the chicken that had the chicken head on the plate next to the body. Jellyfish is really good btw, but I think that I liked the deep fried crab the best.

I started moving yesterday and expect to be moving for a week more, but at least it's finally happening. Every morning when I wake up and get in my car to go to work I think, "Soon I'll just be walking" and it makes me so very happy! I can't wait.

please pray

2008-09-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

I don't feel good. I feel depressed and sad. I hate being home by myself again. School is good, but I miss seeing Josh and being home alone is not something that I missed. I'm not used to it anymore. I feel like I'm getting a cold, at least I've had a nasty headache all day, Josh wants a computer that we can't afford, Auntie G thinks that we ought to pay rent to Claire and Jim for October, even though we're moving out in September, which we also can't afford, I have this doctor's appointment on Thursday to find out about this lump in my breast, and I'm just so tired in an entirely emotional kind of way. It's only the third week of school and I don't feel up to it. I'm dragging. I just want to be with Josh and he's won't get a day off until Sunday. I don't feel up to grading. I don't feel up to packing. I hate being alone. Lord please help me.

It starts

2008-09-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

School has started and I jumped in with a splash. There have already been hilarious things, sad things, serious things, and funny things. This year I am a lot more confident in my teaching, and therefore a lot more content. My students are still behaving like angels and I'm being a lot more aggressive in encouraging their good behavior and good grades.

Of the funny:

My first occurrence of the ridiculous was when I had a dream before school started that my classroom had a bowl of bright silver flashing fish swimming around in it. It was a happy dream, and thinking that it boded well, I bought a fishbowl and three little minnows. By the time I had gotten to school, two of them had died. One still looked well though, so I left him the Friday before Labor Day happily toddling about his realm. Tuesday morning, the first day of school, I walked in to find him glassy-eyed and belly up. Over the weekend I had come up with the idea of comparing studying to keeping a fish alive - you study every day just like how you feed a fish every day and by finals he'll be strong and happy. So I revised my scheme and gave a little talk about how, come finals, they need to make sure that they aren't the dead fish. Last night was back to school night, and so I bought a new fish, an iridescent beta this time, so that the parents wouldn't face the empty bowl. My freshman have named him Pedro Gracias Si. You can tell that they have only had a few days of Spanish.

The second occurrence of the ironic was this week in my cooking class. The first week with the garlic mashed potatoes went over really well. This week we attempted white bread. Because bread needs some hours to rise, but my class has only 55 minutes, I let the students have the bread rise over night. This morning they baked their loaves and proudly presented me with golden brown goodness. I cut them open to test that they were done, and inhaled a noseful of potent alcoholic disaster. The students, good little Christians that they are, complained that their bread smelled, "nasty." I breathed a sigh of relief that they didn't recognize the smell, and told them that sometimes bread just doesn't work out. I'm consoling them with pancakes our next class. As soon as class dismissed I called maintenance to clear out the brewish bundles and hoped the smell would dissipate before the next class came in. It doesn't do to teach Christian High School students how to make alcoholic pastries!

Of the happy:

Josh and I are moving in a few weeks. I can't wait. We'll be renting our own sweet little condo. I am fanatically joyful about this development as I'll be much closer to work, friends, family, and good cycling trails. We will be saving my paycheck for the next year and then attempting to buy a house once more. We are so blessed.

oddly enough

2008-08-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Vacation is over. Not officially until Monday, but I went back to school today, and spent all day Monday prepping, so I think that it's done. I had a great vacation though! I'm so thankful that God gave me the time to have such joy in seeing all my family and friends! I have been very blessed.

I had a disappointing doctor's visit today. I got a tb test, so now I'm running a low fever, but worse than that, I was hoping to get a definite answer on something and I didn't. I have to wait until the 18th to know for sure. On the one hand, I am ridiculously relieved because it's not a moral issue. It's not something that I did right or wrong or have to confront someone else about. It's a simply physical thing, much less scary. All I have to do is go to the doctor. I just have to wait a while for my appointment time to come up.

Josh and I are going to officially start touring houses tomorrow, so we are kicking off a new phase of our house hunting process. Just like with my wedding, I can't wait for it all to be done and settled. I don't like transitions so much as I adore the long monotonous stretches inbetween. I know that this is leading to a good thing, so just like my wedding, I'll endure it and let Josh do pretty much whatever he wants, but I can't wait for it to be done and to have a place to share with Josh.

Josh is doing well, if stressing a bit on the house thing and other things. He really feels moved to work a lot of over time, except you can't tour houses if you're at work. The poor boy is torn at times. But tomorrow and this weekend I get to be with him, and torn or not, I love being around him.

Our marriage retreat is coming up too, and I can almost smell the mountains, hear the laughter, and feels the embraces of loved ones. That too will be good. So much to be thankful for.

And to be honest, part of me is excited about this school year coming up. I think that it will be better than the last one.

Vacation: Day 13

2008-08-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how quickly vacation is going. It's really sad, but I have enjoyed living it!

Last Friday I went to the Hollywood Bowl with Matt and Monica and saw Eric Idle "Not the Messiah." It was really well done, and parts were very funny! Thanks guys! (But you still have to tell me what you want for your wedding!)

On Tuesday I went to the Beach with Dee after out work out. It was really relaxing!

Last night Josh, Rob, Dee and I went down to Stone Brewery in Escondido and watched the Princess Bride on a full screen while drinking great beer and eating gourmet food like mac and cheese and duck burritos. It was good! At the end of the month they are doing Mystery Science Theater 3000: Transformers. The movie is free, Jess and Adam, if you want to go down and I could watch the kids. You only have to pay if you buy food and drink.

On the way home last night Josh was driving, SPEEDING! (shock, gasp, horror), and of course we got pulled over. He had Dee and I put our hands on the headrests, Rob on the dashboard, and then he rolled down the windows. The CHP guys pulled up and Josh said, "Just so you know, I'm off-duty and I'm packing." The CHP guy said, "Yeah I figured. Drive a little more slowly." And that was that. Rob thought that was so cool, and Dee was irked because she thought that Josh should have gotten the ticket. Josh was embarrassed. I was sleepy and slightly amused.

Today I head up to San Francisco to see a baseball game with Josh's family and to drink tea and eat chocolate and clam chowder.

Vacation: Day 4

2008-07-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

Well, the day is not yet done, but I have ridden my bike, worked on the outline for Josh's paper, worked out at the gym, finished the outline for Josh's paper, taken a nap, and read some scifi. I'm hoping to get a little TV in and some sudoku puzzles.

It was really fun helping Josh do the outline for his paper. Part of me misses doing research papers. I love the logical outline and just the flow of it all! I must say though, that I'm not used to writing such short papers (8-10 pages) after my thesis. His outline, just the quotes and heading mind you, filled up 8 pages as it is, so I guess that I gave him an outline for about a 20 page paper. The whole thing, title page, abstract page, table of contents, outline, references and all took up 14 pages. He'll have to edit it down a bit, but at least he won't have to struggle to reach the minimum of 8 pages because he's already there. It's really cool to be able to help him out with something that I'm good at. He's good at so many things that I'm not that it's enjoyable to be able to give back a bit.

Well, I've done my writing for the day. I'm going to go relax more. =)

Vacation: Day 2

2008-07-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

Went to church, it was really good ... even though I only listened to about 1/2 the message. It gave me some things to think about. I'm getting to know people at church too (besides my family) because of choir, which is pretty nice. I have people to say "hi" to.

Afterwards I have lunch at Bachan's (dimsum) and then went to Borders with Auntie, where I spent over $100 on my Summer reading. My Summer reading list includes Science (Astronomy, Physics, Particle Physics), SciFi/Fantasy, and Sudoku puzzles. Auntie and I are going to join the local Astronomy Club. I'm so excited! We'll meet in the park once a week and look at the skies and then we'll go to the Observatory once a month and hear lectures from people who work for NASA. SWEET!

For dinner we have Lucille's (yummy!) and now I really really really have way too much food in my fridge. That's probably good though, because for once I'll actually be at home to eat my meals! I solved my first Sudoku puzzles today, and after the first one they became a lot easier. At Borders I met a lady in the Scifi section that had the same tastes in books as I do and she introduced me to a new series, so I'm hoping that it'll be good. In the physics department, I got help from the clerk because I found this neat looking book by Smoot called Wrinkles in Time and Auntie wanted a copy so I went to ask after one. By that time I had a stack of 8 books or so and the clerk had read a lot of the Physics/Math books that I had and it was really fun chatting. He said that my science picks were good ones. I can't wait to read them all!

One of my books is really neat - it shows the constellations and then tells you which nebulas and galaxies are connected with them. Orion has a couple of good ones! It would be neat to travel to the Southern Hemisphere and see all the different constellations that they have.

Josh is having trouble writing a paper of his on the ethics of Adams vs Texas. He's still in the research stage and can't find much. I'm going to see if I can't find something to help him out. If you all know of any sources on this (it's also a movie "The Thin Blue Line") then let me know, ok? Thanks! It's his first graduate level paper and I want it to go well with him. Plus he has to learn how to write in APA. I remember wrestling with that on my thesis. Fun times. Please do pray.

That's in on the vacationing front for now. I will leave you with the most striking thing that I learned today - one of those 'I can't believe that I didn't think of that before' type things. There are 4 main forces in the world - gravity, electromagnetic, strong, and weak. The strong force is the one that holds all the positive protons together in the nucleus of an atom. It never occurred to me before that of course the protons wouldn't like sticking to each other. I can't believe I never thought of that before. (I also can't believe how little we know about these forces! What are they exactly? umm... we dunno.)

Vacation: Day 1

2008-07-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Today I picked up the kitchen a bit. I made garlic mashed potatoes for breakfast, creamy spicy spinach soup for lunch. I couldn't decide about dinner, so I'm making both chili and Swedish meatballs - two of my childhood favs. I loved making chili with my sister - the awesome responsibility of MAKING dinner, shared with the great company brings back sweet sweet memories. Hey Jess, wanna make chocolate covered bananas again sometime? And the Swedish meatballs? Those were nights when the whole house smell good for hours before we were allowed to eat any. Mom would crockpot them for hours to coax that rich flavor out. I would spend the hours before dinner smelling the tantalizing whiffs that escaped the kitchen. Sometimes, on really special times, Mom would let me have one meatball before dinner. I knew that I was loved.

Today is also the first day that I bought alcohol and didn't get carded. I bought some red wine to help make the sauce for the meatballs, and it wasn't until the meatballs were frying that I realized that I hadn't been carded. In celebration I'm drinking some of the left over red wine. =) Don't worry though, I'm not hiccuping yet. ;D My house smells like a home now. Like my home. It still needs to be picked up, but having good food is a good start to relaxing.

Latest Happenings

2008-07-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

We're going to try and buy a house. We hung out with friends from Josh's work last night - Jason and his wife Ericka. They were really sweet people. It's good to know that there are good people for Josh to be around at work. They are also really good parents and Jason encourages Josh to have children (yay!). I have today and tomorrow left of Summer School and I can't wait to be done! I'm so tired and fighting this fever that keeps coming back in the afternoon. Josh wants a dog - a German Shepard. So maybe in a year or so we'll have a house, a dog, and a baby on the way. I hope so.

two poems

2008-07-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

From the past month and a half.

Confounded
Languishing Love
Lifting embers that
refuse to hold the glow.
Slowly dying.
Which is better? A slow
pain or an icy blow?
A sudden storm to
end it all.
Let icy winter bury me until
a Spring Sun
promises life
once more.

Married at Night
Sleeping bodies
Night time sighs
Gentle warmth
Like lullabies
My head
Your shoulder
soft smooth skin
Blankets tangled
sleep to win
Daybreak ends our
Married bliss
Each day I wait
for Night's cool kiss.

Observations

2008-04-30T21:16:00.001-07:00

There has been a slow but steady change in my life, especially dating back these past few months. My house is cleaner. Not because I was angry and taking it out on the bathroom tiles (which used to be the only way I would clean), but it is cleaner because little bit by little bit, unspeakingly, Josh and I have been working together to clean it and keep it more neatly. I don't know what has inspired this change in him, but I know why I have changed. I finally feel like this is my home and my life, my real life, is with him. I am finally more content being married to him than I was when I lived in my parent's house. And so I actually care. I can honestly say that despite work and taxes, these last few months have been the happiest of my life. And why? Because of those very few, always too few, moments that I wake up and find that he is next to me in bed, holding me, talking about his day. I am happy because I wake up a few hours later, and no matter which way I turn, he turns with me, wanting to be close to me. I am happy because I am loved.

Maybe the first few years of our marriage were so horrible because we were such horrible people, because we were young, because he was bored and I was scared, because he and I always have to make things hard. Except now we don't. Now we are easy.

He finally learned to trust me in the academy. And I think that in learning to forgive, and in being trusted, I am also finally learning to trust in return. I am content. Not because he is handsome and I am beautiful, but we are beautiful because of our contentedness. I can turn to him and him to me.

So as I write this from my desk, a desk which hasn't been able to be used since before my student teaching a year and a half ago because it was so messy. I like the order that our relationship is bringing to the rest of our lives. I think that the fruit of our hearts really does show in the physical world. What we sow, we reap, and have to live with. Not that there aren't still weeds, but I have never looked forward to the evening so much as now. And on Monday, when my allergies were so bad that I stayed home from school, I rejoiced because that meant I got to see him for a whole day (for the first time since Easter). It was a wonderful day. I've never been so happy, sick or well, as I am when I am with him.

Why I love my Science class

2008-04-29T21:18:00.001-07:00

Me: What were the first words spoken by a man walking on the moon?
Student T: Up yours Russia!

Other Teacher: Is it true that you compared sex to pooping in your Science class?
Me: Sigh.

Student M: You might as well say that a cat and a alligator flew together and made the moon as say that two almost planets hit each other and one spun off and made our moon. I mean, how can they even imagine that happened?
Student T: What's that got to do with a cat and an alligator?
Student MM: There was an alligator?

Me: What is the study of the stars called?
Student H: Astrology.

Boxes, Perception, Entrapment, and Freedom?

2008-04-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

Have you even had an itch that you just can't quite reach to scratch? And you know that if you could just do ... something ... it would stop itching?

I have a theory that we as humans are (relatively) stupid as a whole. Every once in a while someone great and smart comes along and tries to explain big important things to us and they use very small words because they really want us to get it. As I read the works of really smart people, my (relatively) stupid brain has started itching and I know that if I could just do ... something ... it would stop because I am so sure that these separate events are all related. Maybe it's because they all use similar metaphors? ...?

Science:
Einstein: I have fallen in love with this man over the last four months (I hope that Josh doesn't mind too much). His theory of relativity is enthralling to my itchy brain.
My Focus: If I am in a box, moving at a constant velocity (speed and direction), from inside the box I could not prove if I am moving or standing still. I would have to be told by someone outside the box whether or not I am (relatively) in motion or standing still.

Philosophy:
Plato: A little too Greek for me to fall so very in love with, but also with an interesting thought.
My Focus: General populace tied down in a cave, not able to see the outside world (sound familiar?). Slightly different twist ... they can see shadows on the wall in front of them created by the outside world. Back to the old story ... they need someone from the outside to tell them what is actually going on.

Godosophy (because I hate the term religion):
Jesus: A man I am certainly in love with, although I hesitate to call my experience for him love because I'm so bad at it.
My Focus: He comes and tells us that we are all enslaved, trapped, and basically boxed up, but that he has an outside perspective on stuff and can really tell us what is going on, but since we have never seen the outside world our understanding of it won't be very thorough until we actually exit the box (for now we only see dimly ...)

Questions for the night, although they don't seem related very well to the above, I swear that they are somehow; my itchy brain says so:

1. If you were to stop all motion, I mean really stop not just stop relatively so such-and-such a thing, what would happen? Would your physical self cease to exist?
2. If you moved faster than the speed of light, would you be omnipresent? Or finally be completely stopped and void of all motion?
3. If you unify the Bible and science, and matter is really energy that is somehow frozen (E=MC squared), and super string theory really is correct and everything we perceive is really just made up of vibrating strings of ... something, and just as we can still hear the echoes of the big bang in the static of our radios, maybe we are after all just physical echoes of God's (would there be an audible voice when he said "let it be" if he hadn't yet created matter to carry the sound?) voice which was so full of energy that it vibrated the nothingness into being filled with energy which froze and turned into rapidly expanding matter and then fused the hydrogen atoms together in the first stars which spewed out the carbon that our very biology is made of?

I have more questions, but they aren't thought out enough to be formed into words.

Garlic Lover

2008-03-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

So I was pretty sick yesterday, still am, but not as badly as I was. I was coughing, congested, had a fever, sore throat, all the good sick symptoms, and I was craving garlic. I had heard that garlic helps your body fight off stuff, so I thought that I'd try it. I fried up 4 cloves and ate them. It felt good, but I wanted something a little more potent. So I ate two more cloves raw. That actually made me feel a lot better. This morning I woke up with no sinus headache and no fever or sore throat. I still have a cough and excess mucous, but I feel 110% better. I think that garlic is good.

Caring for God's Creatures

2008-02-14T21:10:00.000-08:00

I fed two of God's creatures today. One was a sweet little neighborhood cat who came to my driveway, meowing prettily and purring when I pet it. One was a sweet little Korean girl who came into my life because of basketball who I found out this week has anorexia. This lent is very different than last year's - God has blessed me with creatures who appreciate the care that I give to them.

Please do pray for my student. The administration and I are working together to get her the help that she needs, but language and culture barriers (and the fact that her parents are some 6,000 miles away) make it difficult. But I am hopeful. She wants help and that is a hopeful thing.

And she did eat today. I watched her eat and then watched her after to make sure that she kept it down. Once she began eating, it was amazing to watch. She ate as if she were very hungry! How good to have food when you're hungry!

Ashes to Ashes

2008-02-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

Lent starts today. For Lent Jessica will be giving up a cut-free stomach and most of her sleep. Adam will be giving up his sleep too.

As for me, well, you know. My students, though, are all required to do Lent this year and I'm reading their first papers and I am so touched by what they are giving up because I know these kids and I know what these things mean to them. They're trying to so hard to follow Christ! Just like little ducks waddling and swimming after their mama!

My favorite quote? "One year I gave up candy. The other I gave up chips. This year I've going to do both. I'm going to do it for the LORD!!"

Such joy is mine!

How do you get a white girl to like an asian boy?

2008-01-30T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is the question one of my very Korean boys asked me today. Guess who he likes? The problem ... I have no idea what the answer is. "But don't you know? I mean, you do like asians, right?" Yeah, I could see how he would think that I know that answer, but I don't.

I made Brigid cry today ...

2008-01-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

... Twice. Once in the car when I didn't park in the driveway (because we ALWAYS park in the driveway). She was very tired. The second time that she cried was because once I had parked across the street from the house (the only parking available), I let her out of her car seat first. No sooner had I turned around to get Sam out of his car seat, but she runs out into the middle of the road! So I yell, "Brigid get back here NOW!!! You do NOT run into the street! You NEVER run into the street!" And she started crying for good. I apologized to her for yelling a little later, but I was very firm about the fact that she needs to always wait for an adult before ever going into the street and it doesn't matter how much she just wants to be inside her house. Poor thing, but golly she scared me! I comforted her for about five minutes, but after that I told her that she needed to calm down and stop crying. It took her about ten more minutes after that. Sam was sweet, he went up to her and said, "It's ok Bree-bree" and patted her arm a couple times. What a kind younger brother! But after the first five minutes of crying I could tell that it was just her being tired that was making her cry, plus the fact that she didn't cry unless she saw me looking at her. So I stopped looking at her until she stopped completely. Kinda mean maybe, but I after dealing with high schoolers all day long I really wasn't up for being manipulated by a 3 year-old with fake crying. She fussed a bit more when I put her down for her nap, but she was fairly ok by then. I think that I lost a few "cool aunt" points in her eyes today. Ah well, hopefully next time she won't run in the road and next time she's with me she won't get the chance.

classroom management

2008-01-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about classroom management. I think that to explain verbs I'll do a 'Fear Factor' week in class. I (the noun) will (the conjugated verb) eat bugs and break bricks and things. Breaking bricks, do you think that the mentor teacher will like that as a classroom management technique? hmm...

Breaking bricks would also work for science. We're doing physics the first half of the semester.

What else could I do for Fear Factor week? Ideas? lemme know.

a Happy day

2008-01-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

So even though the TESOL class that I was looking at online didn't work out this time around, I am now officially enrolled in __________ community college for a class on GIS and I am excited. Another exciting thing? The class is four units and it only costs $20 a unit!!! After the University it is quite a shock to register so easily online and so cheaply. It also just makes my heart happy to be officially going back to school after a year out of it. I love learning.

Along with that happy thought, the cool cool very awesome stuff that I learned from the nice NASA scientists at that Science Teacher's convention a few months ago that got me so excited about astronomy? (and yes, I am still buying books, studying, and ordering cool videos on it). That exact info and even the exact same photographs were on the second page of the California section of the L.A. Times today. They are just now making news. For the second time in my life I have known something before the newspapers, and for the first, I appreciated it.

I just love knowing stuff. And what am I going to do after this class? If TESOL doesn't work still after that, then I want to know math. Just the thought makes my heart pitter patter.

I think part of why school is so exciting to me right now is that I can finally do it now for the joy of learning, and not out of dutiful obligation or consignedness because it's the "right thing to do" or slightly crazed panic because my "career" and "prospects" depend on it. I can do it because it is one of the most beautiful joys God has given me. Thanks be to God.

Red boots and true love

2008-01-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

I was writing a note to Josh's grandparent's yesterday, just saying hi, and I thought about love. You know that verse that says, "and my your love abound more and more with knowledge and depth of insight"? It struck me for the first time yesterday that of course having more knowledge of the person you are loving would help your love abound because if love is doing what is best for the person then knowing them better would allow you to be better at doing what's best.

I've been listening to the Bible on cd and I'm to Leviticus. It strikes me more and more as I listen that I really have very little clue about what most of the Bible means. It just doesn't seem to make sense to me when I hear it in big chunks. So I started attending a Sunday school class after church on Romans. I get it better when it's explained to me little by little.

I am officially dreading going back to school tomorrow. Even though I bought cool red boots today. Money really can't buy happiness, or courage for that matter. I don't know what's got my goat so much about going back to school. It really oughtn't be that bad. I like the people there. Maybe it's still just a left over gut-reaction from when I was attending school as a student. That horrible after-the-holiday voice screaming to let me just have one more day to sleep in! I wish.

Ah well, maybe going back will help me be more loving and productive. And hopefully help me to make the time fly until Josh's next shift change. Good news though? In the next two months I have 3 Mondays off. That's 3 whole days that I'll get to see Josh.

That's something that I was thinking of in Church this morning. How now since Josh and I only ever get a few hours together here and there, how precious our time together is and how petty some of the stuff we fought over was. When we see each other now it's just a delight, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how great it will be to see him and then appreciating it afterwards. (Not that we aren't both still really sinful, but it's easier to have perspective on it). Maybe I've gone all sappy, but I was thinking that maybe that's part of why God, even though he's present all the time, doesn't allow himself to be felt by us all the time. Because then we miss him, look for him, anticipate his presence, and treasure him that much more when he does show up. If that is true, I don't think it reflects badly on God for not always making himself felt, but it reflects poorly on us for not always appreciating his goodness when he makes himself known. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, but when it's real love it does. Absence makes the heart grow wiser, and appreciate more what the heart really has instead of taking it for granted.

eye and girls

2007-12-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

Last night at the basketball game one of our girls nearly got her eye gouged out. It was horrible, bloody, and shocking. Today she was back at school with an eye patch. Everything turned out ok, but it was the first time that seeing blood made me nauseous. Not that I did vomit, I was too busy trying to take care of things, but if I had had the time to stop and throw-up, I would have made the most of the opportunity. Bodies just ought not be messed up like that!

On our at-home game days the team and coaches are supposed to dress up a bit, so today I did. I wore nicer clothing and spent a little more time on accessories and make-up. As he walked into my science class today, one of my students proclaimed, "Wow Yoshi! You look like a girl today! Normally you just look like a coach or a teacher." Huh. So I guess my effort to only wear modest clothing to school definitely worked. I was gender-neutral. Not a female, but a coach or a teacher. I know that I should be happy about that, but the prideful part of me that considers myself attractive was a little put-out.

School is going well. I really enjoyed this week! I did a lot of fun things. The only non-fun things were (1) burning (and I mean burning!) popcorn in the teacher's lounge microwave, and (2) today when I tried to make Mexican hot-chocolate for my Spanish class and the water heater didn't work. My students settled for the milk and chocolate separated, but I really would have liked to make HOT chocolate. The up-side of the popcorn chaos is that my co-workers are teasing me. I know it's dumb, but it makes me feel like I fit in and am loved. They are comfortable enough with me to give me a hard time, even the principal, I feel like I graduated to a new level of belongingness and I like it!

Josh and I are doing really well. I have never enjoyed him so much!

so I got married...

2007-11-28T15:55:00.001-08:00

got all sorts of wonderful cooking appliances for my wedding, and didn't use them. We live in a house that was previously inhabited by an old lady and Josh, my honey, was determined that we use her old stuff to cook with instead of our killer new products. Finally, after 3 1/2 years, he is sick of the old mis-matched pots and silverware. This morning he went to our storage unit and brought back all our nice, still unwrapped, beautiful pots, pans, and silverware. They are so pretty! I'm so excited! I feel like we're finally taking another step into making our house a home. Another section of the old lady will be resigned to the garage and a new spot will be made for our family.

Just strep

2007-11-27T19:18:00.001-08:00

Thank God! I would hate to miss any more school than I have to, and strep is shorter time away than tonsillitis! Yay! Although, on the other hand, this is the first guilt-free relaxing time that I've had in a while. I know that it's totally neurotic, but I feel really guilty whenever I relax normally. But sick relaxing? Sick when a doctor confirms that I am actually demonstrably ill relaxing? Contagious separation from society relaxing when my only symptom is a rapidly-feeling-better throat? Right up my alley!!! Thank God for penicillin! (Even if it does taste like moldy orange peel, snicker!)

Two whole days off, guilt-free and paid!

... but I do miss my kids. My fifth period was adorable and called me to tell me that they missed me. (and the sub let them? That does surprise me a little.) But it was sweet.

Josh is currently at our girl's first official basketball game. Pre-season, but it can count towards CIF. He's taking pictures, bless him. This is the sure down-side of being contagious. I'm really bummed to miss seeing my varsity girls play! Ah well, there is still the rest of the season and I know that I will put in many more hours watching them play. =)

New basketball term of the day: Tip-off

White sore spots

2007-11-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

If I look at the pics on the internet, it looks a lot more like tonsillitis than strep, although it could be mono but I've already had that. Hmm. I'm going with tonsillitis. The doctor will hopefully be able to tell me for sure tomorrow. Fun times!

Bachi Bugs and other interesting happenings

2007-11-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

On October 31 I afforded my students the intercultural opportunity of eating some beetle larva (FDA approved) coated with "Mexican Spices" (although made in California). Almost half partook and actually enjoyed it, "It's like a little potato chip." On November 1 Josh and I were over a Bachan's and Auntie gave me some peanut M&M's. I like to suck the chocolate off and chew the peanut. On my 4th M&M I got to the middle, started to bite, and realized that it was not a peanut that I was biting into. It was the backside of a beetle, probably a cockroach. Dis-gusting. Auntie thought so too, but then she thought that it was bachi for me because I had made my students eat the beetle larva.

Yesterday I went to jail and took a tour of the place. It's like a plain, extremely ugly zoo, but instead of animals they house humans who act like animals. It's a very sorry place to be ... and it reminded me a little of where I used to work. The kids I used to teach and the men in the cells are definitely the same breed! On a happy note, I got to see Josh yesterday for a 1/2 hour! Hee hee, he's worth going to jail for! And yes, I was scared to walk down the streets alone last night to get to the jail. It could have been a fateful experience, but thank God that it wasn't.

It's finally getting cold and starting to feel like the holidays. I want to decorate my house and my heart and be with the ones that I love.

maybe

2007-10-28T20:14:00.001-07:00

So this maybe dumb or childish, but getting a text from Josh while he's at work asking for help with his lunch tomorrow, reading emails from school, from the parents thanking me or asking for prayer, and reading my facebook where my little brother put a really dumb (but fun and funny) quiz up makes me feel less alone. I know that technology is not the same thing as having the people there with you, but it sure is a blessing and a way for me to remember that I am not alone. I am so glad that I have people to love who love me back!

suck

2007-10-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have a low fever. I've had a headache for two days and have spent the majority of them sleeping on my couch while the tv plays dumb movies. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow, but then I REALLY don't want to stay home alone again. I desperately want to move closer to my family so that I can go crash at their houses when I'm sick and Josh is not home. Right now I just want to sit and cry.

life lately

2007-10-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

Not bad, not bad at all. Kathleen and I were supposed to go to Disneyland today, and I called her to let her know that I didn't have detention so I could meet her there earlier, and she walked out to her car to leave to meet me, and there was a man in her car! He totally was in the middle of breaking into her car! She knocked on the car window and started yelling at him, "What the f*ck are you doing?!!!" and then realized what he was doing and called 911, which was busy because of all the fires. So the guy got away, but she's safe and her car didn't get stolen. Praise God that I didn't have detention and called her early to hang out otherwise he would have been long gone with her car before she came out. She's going to come over and hang out at my house tonight.

School is going well. I still really am enjoying my job. It's just plain cool. I love my kids and enjoy them so much! One of them, who I'm working with after school a lot and helping out with her math, is really a puzzle to me. She understands the information in the moment, but really seems to have trouble storing it and retrieving it. I really wish that I knew more about brain chemistry and functions so that I could help her.

'Nother thing, while translating a passage from Spanish to English for my class, I realized that my brain recognizes all the parts of Spanish as Spanish and translates them, except for the nouns. More than 5 times in two pages I caught myself saying the Spanish noun ("rey" for example) instead of the English one ("king"). Interesting.

Next brain thing ... I think that I am at least slightly dyslexic. A few months ago I saw an ad for a fast food restaurant that I thought was called Chick-A-Fil. I've seen the name numerous times since and always thought that that was what it was called, "chick-a-fil" because that is what I saw every time. It wasn't until I went there last Saturday night with my lil bro and Christian went there and I was telling my honey that I went to "chick-a-fil" that he said that it's actually called, "Chick-fil-A" which makes a lot more sense phonetically. I looked carefully at the sign, and sure enough, "chick-fil-a" is how it is and has always been spelled. But even now, if I don't look carefully, I still see "chick-a-fil." My brain is twisted.

Josh is doing well. He had his day off today and slept a lot. He's going to work overtime tomorrow. They are really busy at work because of all the fires.

scary tampons

2007-10-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

no really, they are. This last month I tried a different brand and guess what? They have positive motivational sayings on the wrapper of each. There's nothing like being in pain and feeling disgusting at 5 in the morning and blearily reading, "You're a take charge kind of girl!" "Go get'em!" "You're in control of your life!" "Nothing stops you!" scary. very very scary. And I sat there for far too long (because I was tired) thinking, "my tampon is lying to me." huh. Not often that that happens.

Work is going well enough. Both Josh and I are fighting off colds/allergies? and have been for the past few weeks. But over all, life is good and starting to settle down into something resembling a routine. Which is great! Just in time for me to start coaching next month and mess it all up again! ... ha.

so tired!

2007-09-24T06:19:00.000-07:00

Went to see a dance last night with the girls from work (one of them, Andrea, was dancing in it). It was really good, but I'm SO tired today! Going to go get Starbucks!

Forgot to post this pic

2007-09-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

This is Josh and I with Jim and Claire (our landlords) after celebrating Josh's and my graduations. Yes, this is after the infamous very very very good bottle of wine at California Adventure's Napa Rose. Great wine, great food, great people!

Trying something with powerpoint, don't mind this post

2007-09-17T20:45:00.001-07:00

I'm doing possessive adjectives in Spanish class and am doing a theme "my dad" "his grandpa" "our family" etc. Fun times, but powerpoints take way too long. At least once they are done, they are done for good.

Stimson, be thou not in vain!

2007-09-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well God has gone and done it again. Out of the over 700 students at my school, 31 are special ed. Out of those 31, I have 13. 8 of those 13 I have in one small class of 13. I think that God put me with special ed kids last year for a reason, because I refuse to believe that those overwhelming numbers are a result of chance. The math just doesn't pan out that way. I think God still has special ed and me on the horizon.

Psalms 2:3-4a "Let us break their chains," they cry, "and free ourselves from this slavery." But the one who rules in heaven laughs.

More food for your prayers, if you be so inclined (please be inclined):

I have my principal's 2 kids in my classes and one of the superintendent's son.

In the last 4 days Josh has had to work 2 over time shifts - amounting in a workday that is 17 hours long.

First Day of School

2007-09-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

Today is going well enough. I have study hall right now. Yay! I think that this will be the time each day when I get to prep for my next day. But all is going well so far. One more period to go!

I am a Tri-athlete

2007-08-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

I did it. And I stuck with my friend Dee the whole way. It was so incredibly fun! All four of us (Katie, Yvette, Dee, and I) made it to the finish line just fine. I really really had fun! It made me want to do a bunch more triathlons! Big thanks to all the people who came out to support us (Mom, Dad, Auntie Grace, Rob, Dan, & etc). You guys were so wonderful to take the time to do that. It meant so much to me to see you guys there!

The swim was first. I was way too excited and couldn't slow my breathing down, this resulted in me doing the backstroke the WHOLE way. I am such a nerd, but I thought it was hilariously funny too!

After the swim was the bike. This was a fairly easy 10.2 miles. Some nice up hill, some nice down hill, and it's also where I caught my breath from the swim and ate my gu. Mmmmm.

I stuck with Dee the whole run. I was really proud of her - she didn't walk at all! So I hung with her and we finished together. It was cool to stick with a friend on the first tri. In the future I'll probably want to be more competitive, but it was a fun start.

Here are all four of us at the end - Katie (far left) came in first, then Yvette (middle right), and Dee (far right) and I (middle left) finished together. It was cool because they announced our names as we crossed the finish line and there were a lot of people cheering for us. =D Thanks guys!

Dad and I at the end. Dad, the man who has done more athletics with me and come to more of my races than any other human being. He's always there for me. It meant so much to me to have him, Mom, and Auntie Grace there, especially as Josh couldn't come because he was busy being a Sheriff.

At the end they had showers, and it was SO wonderful to wash some of the gunk off me and get to change into clean dry clothes! I still have my race number on my leg and arm though, #357!

At the end Dad, Mom, Auntie Grace, and I went to Ihop. Auntie had to leave before she got to eat though, because Jichan was getting into trouble at home =( but it was great to have her around while she could be there!

good day yesterday

2007-08-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a very good day. I went to church. Ate breakfast at Ba-chan's. Went to the Japanese-American Museum in downtown L.A. with Dad and Mom Y. That was pretty cool. Then we went back to Ba-chan's to play cards and eat dinner. Very good! After that Leroy, Kathleen and I went out to the high desert to watch the meteor showers until 1:30 in the morning. We actually saw some too! It was really fun and relaxing. I finally had a really really truly good day this summer and it was wonderful.

other pics of my life lately

2007-08-11T22:25:00.001-07:00

This is at the celebration banquet for Josh before his graduation.

Then there is Josh and I at his graduation. (Yay!)

And then there is me shooting at SSA last Sunday. v. fun!

super big moth

2007-08-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

This is a really big moth (see how big it is next to the shapie and dollar bill) that I found in my garage, captured, and then set free. I had never seen a moth this big before. When it first flew by I thought that it was a bat. Does anyone know what kind of moth this is???

summer goes by

2007-08-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

so very quickly. phooey.

It was great to see my family again tonight - there's nothing like good salmon, playing horsey with Brie, letting Sam chase me, and watching Cinderella with Mom and Jess while Dad and Adam read and Josh took Anna out. The only thing missing? Josh, and flashes of my friends that I wasn't with. But so so good to see my family again! It's like they normalize me somehow. Root me. Center me. Love me. Thanks you guys!

The first thing I did this morning after I woke up before I finished my tea? Run Josh's belt and gun down to him at work. Kind of important thing to forget. Whoops! As long as he gets it out of his system now, while I'm still available to run it down to him! =D

midsummer dreams

2007-08-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well, Josh graduated the academy in quite an amazing ceremony, went through jail academy, and is now working the men's jail. It's not as bad as he was expecting (at least not yet) and I've enjoyed seeing a bit more of him than normal.

Therapy is going really well, and each time I go I come away feeling better ... and it's a type of better that helps me get through the rest of my life, it's not just a temporary fix better (like eating cookies or listening to loud music). Vacation ::sigh:: is wonderful, but I'm still so full of everything! I'm still catching up on all my friends, training for a triathlon, prepping for the next school year, being Josh's wife, and ... yeah. Starting to catch up on things. I'm so glad that God has given me this time off. I need it. It's fun to see how many of my friends and family ask me about therapy. It's a very sweet sort of inquiry, and hopefully I'll end up being a better friend and family member because of it.

I think that I really do want to start learning Japanese. I've been thinking about it and playing with it for a while, and it would just be cool to have that be something that I could do and play with. I don't quite know how to go about doing it ... but it would be a cool thing! I really do want to travel to Japan one day, and see the place where the roots of so many people in my life who I love are located.

Well, the triathlon is on August 19th, so time is getting close for that. At this point I kind of just think that the most important thing for me is just to be able to do cardiovascular intensive activity for an extended period of time. After this first one I'll have a better idea of what I'm doing, but for the first one I think that I'll be ok.

It's kind of funny, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. So for now I'll continue to teach, which is fine and good, and then maybe one day it'll grow clearer. In the mean time I'll just work on growing up and being a better me. I have to admit that law enforcement is a tempting career choice for me, but it's just that, tempting, I know that it would not really be for me and would be way too much of a power trip to be healthy.

Wanna know something funny? (and I have to preface this with blunt honesty and say that Josh had a new barrel on his gun so his sights might have been off, and I actually think that they were) but when we did our out door shooting competition on last Sunday a bunch of us were all goofing around and one of the guys decided that we should all try and shoot this tiny little bowling pin target that was way far away and everyone only got one shot. We all lined up to do it, and only 2 of us made the shot - some asian guy and me. So we lined up to do it again, because honestly I'm not (by far!) the best shooter in this group and I totally thought that it was just a lucky shot. We went through again and that same asian guy made the shot, and I did too, and no one else did. Not even Josh, the star shooter of the academy. So ... I'm not a fast shot, but I'm an accurate shot. It was kind of cool for me. That's another area that therapy has helped me with. Before when I shot I REALLY REALLY cared about doing a good job in front of everyone and wanted them to see me doing well so that I would earn respect. But now, since therapy, I can actually just relax and enjoy shooting in the moment and that means that I don't tense which sends the bullet in a much straighter line and now I hit the targets better. Funny that.

vacationing

2007-07-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

As we drove to Vegas we stopped in at the world famous Mad Greek restaurant. It was pretty good. I like gyros and it was fun to go to another restaurant that Josh and I saw on the Food Network. As we left the restaurant we could see bolts of lightning in the distance, jumping from cloud to cloud. The edge of the storm looked like a black blanket rolling across the stars. The nearly full moon peeked in and out of the edges. As we pulled into Vegas big fat drops of rain hit the window shield.

Josh and I spent today running around Vegas, looking in at different hotels, playing blackjack (Josh actually walked away with $5 more than when he sat down), eating at the Wynn buffet (I'm still full), shopping (sale at Ann Taylor Loft!), and playing in the pool. It was nice just to get away. He was a little grumpy to begin with this morning, but relaxed and had fun as we visited several different gun stores around the area. We also got some really good tea. Yummy!

This is such a short trip, but I'm still really glad that we came. It's great just to be somewhere that is a good drive away from work, for the both of us.

Food for the Birds

2007-07-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

I came home today to find a quirky surprise. The grapes that have been growing in my backyard - the luscious spheres of crimson sweetness warmed gently in the sun and swinging gracefully from swirling vines - are gone. Not quite all, but mostly. Each bunch has a good bunch missing. The culprit? Something with soft little gray feathers. I will never get to taste this year's harvest apart from the two or three grapes that I tasted to see if the bunch was right (a few days ago I decided that they could use a few more days before harvesting). But can you imagine the delight of some little bird, in the midst of a hot July day, in an area where there is almost no water, to come across such a juicy sweet treat? That must have been one happy sparrow (or several, from the amount of grapes that are gone). How glad (if they have feelings) they must have been! So in a way, I'm really not all that sad after all. At least the grapes were enjoyed and appreciated. And I still have a ton of oranges (all green right now and a little bigger than an egg) coming along right now. Those will be fun.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" ~Matt. 6:26

The Party Starts

2007-07-15T14:59:00.001-07:00

Friday night Dee and I went to the Hollywood Bowl and heard a lot of awesome (and sometime incredibly romantic) music conducted by John Williams. It was great.

Yesterday Josh and I went to his graduation party (classmates, tactical officers, and significant others only). That was pretty fun, and gave me some insight into Josh's life. Josh spent every free minute of this last week throwing himself into creating a perfect slide show of all of the pictures of himself and his classmates going through the Academy. The show is a little over 15 minutes long. People really liked it. Last night, when we came home, he continued to work on the slide show. This morning, for several more hours, he continued to work on the slide show. I think that it's sort of his way of mourning, enjoying, and cementing memories in his head of what he's done and the people that he did it with. It struck me that he has never had a year book to commemorate his life, and this is his way of doing it. It's a very Josh way of processing his experience.

The other interesting thing about last night was that the Tac Staff were there and we got to hang out with them and talk to them like normal people. They joked about the same things that we've all been joking about these past six months. All the graduates, at various times through the night, went around and talked to the Tac Staff, Josh included. The interesting thing about Josh was that when he made the social rounds, he went around and apologized for not being better, messing up on marching, and different things that he perceived in his head as being so big and horrible that they negated all the rest of the work he did. The Tac Staff, all separately, had the exact same reaction to Josh's self bashing, they got this vague puzzled look over their faces as if they were trying to figure out what on earth Josh was talking about, and then proceeded to tell Josh that he was one of the recruits that they actually had absolutely no worries about through the whole thing. They couldn't say enough good things about him and his abilities. Sure, there were some recruits that they had been very worried about and had had to give a lot of extra attention to or kick out of the academy altogether, but Josh hadn't been on that list. In fact, the one week that they threw him in there as class sergeant was a week when they had been really busy with other things to worry about and so they threw him in there not because he needed lots of attention but because they didn't want to have to pay a lot of attention to the class sergeant that week. I only hope that Josh heard the great things that they said about him. Some waxed on eloquently too! I don't think that Josh did hear them though, he's got that idiot voice in his head that shouts that he's not perfect far more loudly than what anyone else could ever hope to shout over, even the scary loud Tac Staff. He's going to have to get over that idiot voice if he's going to be a good cop, because it's a profession where lots of mistakes, or at least gray areas, happen.

But whether Josh is mentally healthy enough to be proud of all of his hard work or not, I am proud of it. He really became more of a man these past six months and he succeeded, quite well in some areas, throughout the whole of it. I can't wait for graduation when his family gets to see how marvelous, imposing, sincere, and strong he looks when he gets his badge and is honored for all his hard work. And I sincerely pray that God will bless that night with love, forgiveness, acceptance, and commitment to this career in law enforcement as well, for both Josh and I.

It's that time of year again ...

2007-07-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

And no, not when young men's fancy turns to love. One of my hermit crabs shed his shell. I have now seen all three of them (Rocky, Billy, and Holder) sans shell, and I'm happy (and surprised) to say that I called their sexes correctly. Rocky is a girl, and Billy and Holder are both very male. It was funny to see Billy without his shell because his back half is really a lot bigger than his front. I would never have guessed that he was so big and it suddenly explains why he keeps moving into shells that look way to big for him.

Holder (named for the fact that Matt was holding him when I bought him. By the way, BIG time congrats and blessings to Monica and Matt for getting hitched, and kudos for eloping. You lived my dream and I'm just glad that somebody I know did it!) actually had me a little worried because four days ago I saw his backside hanging _out_ of a shell that was too big for him and I thought, "oh no! Another one died. And it was one that I actually wanted to live." But when I picked up the big shell to view the remains, there was Holder, curling tightly and looking desperately for a place to hide. He actually hung out naked for a few days, which surprised me. Rocky always climbs back into her shell first thing after she sheds, but Holder didn't. Is it a guy thing to want to hang around naked? I don't know.

Billy stole Holder's old shell, though, while Holder was lounging in the nude, so Holder is now back in a shell, but not in his favorite. Billy, my shy little one who isn't as shy as he used to be, is the only one who has yet to shed since I've owned him. I wonder if there is something wrong with him (he really does have a very large backside compared to Holder and Rocky) or if he's just different?

Anywho, they are fun pets in their own ugly way.

Josh is graduating on Tuesday, and we have a ton of activities related to his graduation in the next week and a half. In the two days I have also spent over 10 hours shopping. It was very fun in parts, and also very addictive. I'm glad that yesterday I made myself spend cash so that I wouldn't keep shopping when I should really stop. If Josh doesn't like how I look at his graduation, then I think that I will smack him soundly because I haven't put this much effort into getting clothing together since the prom. (And no, I didn't even put this much effort into finding my wedding clothes, which were incredibly easy to find thank you Jessica). I really want to celebrate and make him look good. He's worked so hard at this. I'm so proud of him. He's turning more and more into a man, which is nice.

Anyways, I have to go and swim and train for my sprint tri-athelon with Katie and Dee. Yay!

Breakfast

2007-07-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

I ate breakfast this morning. I sometimes eat something, but this morning I actually put food together and sat and ate. I have tomatoes fresh from Mom and Dad's garden with fresh mozzarella cheese, fresh basil, with salt and pepper drizzled with olive oil. It was good. It was really pretty too - all red, green, and golden yellow. Mmmm.

the beginning

2007-07-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I started therapy today. I'm still really slushy inside from it, but I feel cleaner and closer to God and truer than I have felt for a long long long time. Like I'm re-anchored. Hopeful. Purer, forgiven, and loved like I haven't let myself be loved by God for a long time. Repentant. Confession really is good for the soul. And God really does forgive. Please pray for Josh. He was fine with me going when we talked about it yesterday, but he's really resistant to it now. Please pray that God will change his heart and that he will support me in getting the help that I need. He could really use some allowing himself to be loved by God and therapy too. My therapist does this thing called transforming prayer, and it really works. God really works. And the Bible really is a powerful sword that slices to the heart of things. The truth found there is astounding. And truth sets us free.

Last night

2007-07-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, from about 8:30 to 8:55 I had an epiphany of sorts. At least I think that's what it's called. And it's going to change the rest of my life forever. I haven't sorted it all out yet, but I can't stop laughing at myself. And I know, I know I know I know, finally, firmly, surely, that in the end everything in my life is going to be ok.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:22-26

And never forget that the Lord also has a sense of humor.

several titles

2007-07-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

So, too much to write out w/different subjects, so this post has several titles

turn 25 and ya go nuts - I turned 25 last week and in my mind that is the "finally really an adult" age and so I feel like I gotta get my shtuff together, plus life events are coming to a head and i gots to deal with them all. but like mom said last night - even if you are a stable person, when your world is rocking you're going to feel off-balance. Winning expression of the day: Emotional Dizziness. Also got cool book from mom - The Dance of Anger - one thing that's cool about my mom? Even though i turned 25 and feel fairly adultish, she doesn't consider her loving done and stop trying to add good to my life.

mothering - a subject that has been freaking me out for some time (really, honestly, since I started having sex and the possibility of motherhood became a possibility, even if very distant), but more in the past months than normal. 'Specially freaked me out last night when I was SO tired and was watching my sis deal with her kids. wow. I could so not do that! Anyways, was driving home last night and started thinking about how much my folks have done for me, put in for me, worried for me, and put up with me. wow. They rock.

ipod update - ever give a kid a present and watch them play with the box instead? I got a ton of super cool presents this last birthday (thanks again guys!) My (shame facedly) favorite? The $25 gift certificate to itunes. Yes, i already spent all of it. giggle! I love music. Ya know how C. S. Lewis (Jacksie boy!) said that he reads to know that he's not alone? Same here, but music is words PLUS more and is just so much more touching me to the coreness. It's awesome. So here are the songs that I got. Ones that I want to sing to others, ones that I want to just sing, and ones that I want sung about me. ;D

Hey There Delilah (this one reminds me of my little bro and how he's gonna be sad when his gf is in Oxford next semester)
Somebody Told Me
Bye Bye (high school memories of winter came and us and our guitar!)
Don't Rock the Jukebox
Que Hago Yo? (one of my fav Spanish songs right now)
Que Hiciste (love the passion in this one!)
La Camisa Negra (awesome hip moving dance music!)
Leave the Pieces
Never Wanted Nothing More (mom, this is what you were talking about last night with the ultimate goals of life and our culture and stuff)
She's Every Woman (romantic sigh!)
Bohemian Rhapsody (gotta have some Queen)
Somebody to Love (gotta have a little more Queen and really need to buy Ella Enchanted)
Are You Gonna Be My Girl
One Step Closer (love it love it love it, good memories of riding with Rob Mann after mountain bike rides)
Time After Time ('nother romantic sigh)
One Week (undergrad at the coffee shop)
Pinch Me (undergrad road trip down to San Diego)
Don't Let Me Get Me (please please please please please!!!!)
He Mele No Lilo (love it, have not the slightest what it means)
Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride (just fun)
Island in the Sun (hip hip)
The Trouble with Love Is (so many nights watching Love Actually with Josh)
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) (great great great song, describes way too much of my life)
Shut Up and Drive (first time I heard it, was on a road trip with the fam, Dad was teasing Mom to her wits end [sigh, true love!] and she turned on the radio to this song. We all cracked up.)

finally wrote it out and slept - Finally. Have been having insomnia for a few weeks now, except the last few days when I was taking Nightquil because of my cold, but last night I didn't take drugs and I couldn't sleep again. So I finally wrote it all out and slept. Two scrambled pages of words, phrases, and arrows that I doubt anyone could really make much sense of, but it got it off my head so that my head could rest well on the pillow. I slept great last night.

last night wuz cool - it's sad really, but I forget how much I miss my family. And for about ten minutes last night I felt like we were finally how we were all supposed to be again. We were laughing and talking like old times, before us kids got married and parented and we stopped having good dinner conversations, and it was good. Sometimes it is good to know that we can still be us, even after all the changes.

From the Geography Class that I'm Teaching

2007-07-06T09:36:00.001-07:00

"Italy is located in southern Europe, and is bored by Slovenia, Austria, Switzerland, and France."

"The islands off of Italy are Anchovy and Sardinia."

Fun times.

on the name of Ivan

2007-07-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Bujold had it right in her books. Ivans really are like that. I have one in my class, I love him and he drives me nuts. He is actually smart, and totally doesn't use his brain half the time. Example:

Me: Ivan, do you know that there is a book where the main character has your name?

Ivan: Really? What's his name?

pause

class laughs

Ivan: Erm, I mean ...

I love Ivans. Where would we be without them?

last thought for the night

2007-07-05T21:36:00.001-07:00

I meant to post this a while ago, but forgot and it got buried. It's a very simple poem, maybe too simple, and with too much of an easy rhyme, but there you go.

'Though time goes swift, and time stands still
I love you now, and always will.
The sun climbs high, the sun sinks low,
The tides roll in, then ebb and go.
The mountains grumble, groan, then fall.
The tree lies low that once stood tall.
With joy and laughter, sorrow, tears,
With lifetimes long or shrinking years,
When chins are up, or heads are down,
When earning jeers or getting crowns,
When aim is true, when errant flies,
When truth is known, when steeped in lies,
Ways that are barred, doors open flung,
The still of night, songs loudly sung,
'Though time goes swift and times stands still,
I love you now and always will.

blackholing

2007-07-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how black holes get started, and then sometimes in life I feel like I'm becoming a black hole and I can just lean back in space and feel the natural collapse of the world around me, crushing inward and inward and inward. Is the middle of a black hole a squished space, or is it just merely, finally, comfortable? Seriously, in a black hole you wouldn't have to get off your couch to get anything; it'd be right there, within arm's (or atom's) reach. The black hole: The lazy man's solution. ::giggle!::

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, probably boring for most people, but really critical for me. It's been confusing, and fairly answerless. And in some ways I wonder if I'm not depressed, but I have so much to be glad of ... anyways. There are things in life that just plain don't add up, and choices that I made maybe too eagerly in the past that must be paid for now. Too many what ifs. Sacrifices that years ago I was more than willing to make, and now that I'm actually sacrificing I realize that maybe I shouldn't have been so willing. I wonder if it's God's little joke that my mom thought of verses from Lamentations when I was being born. Is that really supposed to be my life? Is this really it? To always be in pain but hopeful? Because in some ways life is so much more than I think I deserve (in a good way), and in some ways it is painfully disappointing.

And some days, it is just enough to look at the grapes growing in my backyard, see their plump green turn into a rich burgandy under the burning sun, and know that it is good.

And then I teach everyday. And I am so filled with hope and joy for these kids. And so scared for them. What if they mess up worse than I did? But oh, what if they don't?

And some days I just want to drive off and keep driving. On the road again. Like a band of gypsy's we go down the highway. We're the best of friends, insisting that the world keep turning out way. And our way, is on the road again. But my feet are getting more and more firmly cemented into the ground, and I may never escape. I may never explore the world and look with wonder at things that so many others take for granted. Ah to be young and selfish. Do we ever out grow it?

Two Weeks Left

2007-07-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

Two weeks left for Josh. It has seemed like a timeless eternity while he's been going through this academy, but the end is near, and it is really just another beginning of a sort. He is so tired though, and he won't be getting a break. That's hard. And it's odd for me because my role in the household has changed a lot because of this job of his, and I wonder if I won't change back so much to what I was before. I think that this job of his may keep me eternally looking to support him and in some ways I really like that, because spouses are supposed to support each other and so in a way this job is forcing me to do what I should have been doing all along. However, the support needs to go both ways and that is something that we will have to negotiate as time goes on.

I've been getting this science magazine and this last edition had some really cool articles in it that were amazingly fun to read. One was about how man's desire to see things has greatly affected how we do science ... how, for example, our scientists map out dark matter and make a "picture" of it - taking what, by the laws of nature, cannot be seen and forcing it to conform to an image so that we can wrap our brains around it. We do the same thing when we map out atoms - forcing an image of an electron that shows the electron in just one spot while good scientists know that one electron actually naturally exists in several physical locations at one time. And this article discussed how when we force the unseen to be seen we make it what it is not and trick ourselves and how if humans were able to just believe in things without seeing them that our understanding of the universe would be so much more accurate. Yeah, it made me think of God. It was pretty cool. gotta go teach now. yay! =)

Good Morning!

2007-06-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

It has been a while.

Two weeks ago Josh successfully got through his "night problems" which were three nights of pretend car stops, investigation situations, and range (gun/shooting) scenarios. Last week he was rewarded by getting to learn how to drive like a cop - skidding out, weaving, and all other fun things. This week he is fighting a cold and woke up in the middle of the night last night with a stomach ache. I gave him pepto bismol and he felt better and could sleep after that, but I think that the poor guy is well and truly tired out. Months of the academy are really starting to show, and although he is successful and has less than a month left to go (praise God!), he is tired. I wish that he could have a break.

My life, on the other hand, has gotten a lot easier lately. Two weeks ago I finished up at Stimson, said "good-bye" to all my kids, and left. I actually had a really good last week with them. They almost acted like normal kids and I felt like they knew that they were loved. Last Monday I started teaching summer school here at WCHS and it is wonderful. I feel as if I were coming alive again after months of being too worn to enjoy anything. I don't know if it was Josh going through the academy and supporting him through that, working at Stimson, (or probably both) that killed me, but I feel like me and I didn't know that I was missing being me this much. I can breathe again.

One good thing that I brought out of Stimson, though, was a new awareness and understanding of teaching. I think that I'm now really and truly a professional teacher and I feel like I've finally gotten a grasp on things. I also came out of Stimson with a new friend, and I think that we will stay friends. I've missed having guy friends and the perspective that they give me, and being friends with M has really helped me appreciate Josh (and his points of view) a lot more and reminds me that men and women really are different and that's ok. I'm so lucky to be with Josh. He's becoming more and more a wonderful husband and I have very few things that I could complain about and even fewer that I actually would. I feel like I can be more and more honest with him about stuff and it's restful. I like restful.

Well, class starts in half an hour, so I'm going to go prep. May God be with you all and may you lean on his mercies.

muddled

2007-06-09T21:56:00.001-07:00

Feel free not to read this post. It's long and ... inconclusive.

So now I'm just plain muddled. The more I Think about everything, the less sense and straight forwardness I can make of it. And it's not just one thing that I think of, but One thing leads to the next and the next and the next and then it all circles around in my head.

1. So I got a job offer. good.
2. It's not the best pay (although it's close enough to be nothing I would complain about but far enough that Josh would complain about it) and it's not in Orange County but is close to where we live now.
3. Josh and I do not yet live in Orange County and may not for years.
4. Gas wise and car wear and tear wise it would make more sense to take this job. It would save money, maybe as much money as I would make extra at another teaching job.
5. But then when we do move to Orange County (in a month? five years? who knows?) then I would have to commute more and the money wear and tear argument would go in the other direction.
6. Josh thinks that if I get offered the Villa Park job that I should take that because I may never get another opportunity like that again. He has a point, but it seems a bit on the narrow-minded pessimistic side. If I am supposed to have another opportunity like that again, then God will provide it. (Not that I even know that I have an opportunity like that now because it's not like Villa Park has actually offered me anything).
7. I would rather teach at Whittier than sub next year. Right now the actual opportunities in front of me are not Whittier and somewhere else, but Whittier and subbing. I don't want to sub again. I want my own classes. (I'm so possessive).
8. Should I hold out for some maybe better unknown job? Or take the good real one that I am offered now that doesn't include a two-hour-a-day commute? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? (Or in this case one bird and 2 to 7 thousand dollars a year more.)
9. This led me into pondering Josh and his family's reaction and the differences between us. Part of me is defensive, and repulsively so. The horrible younger sister competitive voice in my head puts in that hateful remark, "well I'm doing better than he was doing when he was my age." Ugh. What a repulsive and horrible part of myself! I detest that voice. It's so ugly and mean spirited. When will it die? And what was Josh doing when he was my age? Supporting me through school so that I could be this successful and have these opportunities when I am this age. And he and his family have a point. I could do better. Maybe. If a better job were offered.
9b. But I also need to keep in mind that enrollment in schools is down and there is a slump in the teaching market because of this, so the fact that I got any job offer is wonderful in and of itself because there are a lot of people out there who won't even get that much.
10. This leads to several questions. Should I try to "do better" monetarily-wise? And would it be better in a holistic way? And does my family inheritance, which is so rich in brains and book-learning, leave me poorly prepared to pursue a better paying job? Or is it just my own messed-up self that feels guilty at the thought that I might make a more decent living, not be poor, and move in social circles that society would say is above where I came from? And would making more money be better for God's Kingdom and my family? Or ... or ... or ... or?
11. And I'm still feeling muddled about the experiences I have gone through in the last five months. Josh's job has changed. Josh and I have changed in our relationship. My role at home has changed. My job has changed. I'm not a student any more. And now it is going to change again.
11b. And working at Stimson only highlighted for me how there is so much that I don't know. And I don't always have the right, best, or most well-informed reactions to students. I need to study psychology some to get better informed reactions and live another five to thirty years to get better and more right reactions. There were such new and different situations at that school that I went through that I really was stumped on what to do. And I'm still not sure what the best thing to do in some of those situations was. And it is so painful - that place is like a well of Hell.
12. As if to highlight that change referred to in #11, life just happened here. There were gunshots down the street from our house. In the past Josh would have just run outside with his gun to check it out and see if he needed to protect us. Now Josh first put on his bullet-proof vest, dark clothing, running shoes, and then cautiously ran out of the house with his gun to see if he needed to protect us. Yes, these are good changes. But maybe moving to Orange County sooner rather than later wouldn't be out of order. Whatever was happening down the street is over now and whoever was shooting is gone now. Huh.
13. So I'm muddled. But feeling better about my muddle now that I wrote it out.
14. The other thing that is weighing on me is Josh. When he talks about what he's going through right now ... the part that bothers him the most - the interaction with his peers - sounds exactly like high school. Complete with clicks and in-crowds. And as he didn't go through high school with other kids he has never encountered it before and has no idea how to navigate it. It's so hard to see him puzzled, hurt, and a little bewildered at this type of social interaction. He talks about how when everyone started out they all tried extra hard to be nice because everyone wanted people to like them, but now that time has passed they have all formed groups and all of the sudden the people that he likes all have issues with each other and he's sort of stuck. And then there are groups that are exclusive, excluding him at times, and he can't understand why. It's odd to watch a 27-year-old go through for the first time what all public school kids are so familiar with. What advice is there to give? Biblical is best, "to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law" and "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy;" that's it. But it is difficult and at some point he will understand it better and know it well enough to act intuitively. Until then, he will have to make conscious decisions about all his social interactions and weigh every word before it is spoken ... which is wearing and troubling. I see it now whenever I hang out with him and his academy buddies, where he used to laugh and joke along now he can't, because they are all joking about their fellow classmates in mean ways and he can't laugh along because he cares for those people too. But those people are being mean about the other people and so he is stuck. He'll figure it out. But it's hard to watch.

odd circumstances

2007-06-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

Life is decidedly odd for me right now. I burned my arm today pouring tea, which is something that used to just be painful and annoying ... now I'm a little freaked about the one inch welt because I know that it can lead to death. Odd.

Whittier Christian offered me a job yesterday. I wasn't relieved because I really have been trusting God for the providence of a job for about a month now (prior to which I was having sleepless nights worrying about whether or not anyone would want to hire me). I am sort of weirded out by it though. Me? Have a real adult job? Really? It's an odd vote of confidence, when someone actually offers you a job. Someone besides my parents think that I can do it. My family's first reaction to the job offer? Joy. Josh's and his family's first reaction to the job offer? You're not going to take it are you? You're going to hold out for more aren't you? Huh. It's an odd difference and reminds me after months of peaceful marital status that Josh and I really do come from different backgrounds with different expectations. It's nothing to fight over (like we would have done six months ago), but it's an odd reminder. Why? So it's a few thousand less than public school ... but it's still a good job, right? It's a real adult position. Besides, I don't know that I want to make that much money. I don't want to be so poor that I'm tempted to sin, but I don't want to be so rich that I forget God and my dependence on him.

Speaking of being rich, I had a really good day spending my money on other people today. That is one of the most satisfying parts of having money - being able to share it with people that I love. It's so fun to be able to help or just plain provide enjoyment for someone else. It is nice to have a little extra, but not too much.

lots and lots

2007-06-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday, Josh and I have been married three years. I honestly didn't think that we would get so far (I thought one of us would die first) and I really didn't think that we would be so happy together. It's always nice to be pleasantly surprised.

Today Josh ran 6 miles, uphill, both ways, and he didn't like it. But he did it anyways. He's one of the better shooters in his class (I'd say in the top ten), and he's passed all of his tests so far. His biggest test, "Night Problems" is coming up next week. It'll be at night and he'll encounter some problems doing pretend car stops and searches, but we don't know specifically what it'll be. We do know, however, that if he doesn't pass then he will be instantly fired. It's a pretty big deal. But when he gets through that then the next week he gets to go to a closed driving course and learn how to drive like a cop - squealing 'round corners and everything.

The kids actually really missed me when I was sick last week. On Monday when I came back, one of them was in in-house suspension for trying to stab my sub with a pen. I went to go talk things over with him and as soon as he saw me through the door window he flung himself at me yelling, "Yoshi!" and gave me a big hug. Awww. Then we had a talk about how it's not ok to stab people. He gave me this sheepish grin with a hang dog look ... "Yeah, I know ..." Co- missed me too, "you're going to be here tomorrow, right?" accompanied by an anxious look.

But after being gone from them for nearly a week, and going to two different normal schools (one for an interview and the one that I'm going to teach at this summer), I feel a lot more like my old self, my acne has cleared up significantly, and I was strongly reminded how off these kids are from what is considered normal. So yesterday when Ju- started cussing me out because I wouldn't let him use the computer I decided that I had had enough and I wasn't going to let them get away with anything. Starting this morning, I and my aides have been monstrously strict with them, forcing them to tow all lines and being tyrants about taking away their points. And it's working. I know that it might sound silly being that I only have another 6 days with them, but now that I know I have a good relationship with them and they know that I honestly do love them, I am going to show them how good some old fashioned discipline is. It's worked rather well. I had a brilliant day today and they all did their work. They even sat in their desks. The only bump I had was the ants.

Je- almost got out of control this morning when I told him that he could heat up his food in the microwave and he opened the microwave to find his hamburger that he left in there two days ago (and he nearly beat up another kid who he thought had stolen it!), all covered with hordes of ants. So we tossed out the old burger. I microwaved the ants until they died, cleaned out the microwave, and then I made to put his fresher food in there to heat it up. "What?!" he shrieked. "You are NOT putting my food in there!!!!"

"Why not?" I asked, honestly puzzled.

"Because there were ants in there! I ain't eating no food from a microwave that had f-n ants in it!"

"Fudging ants. Well then you are going to eat cold food."

"No, I'm going to go heat it up in Mr. M's room."

"No you're not. You are not going to go and disturb another class!" I said in an extremely firm voice.

"Well then you can go heat it up in the teacher's lounge for me." he said with all the snobbery of a king.

"Nope. You can heat it up here or eat it cold. Keep this up and you won't eat it at all until lunch time, break or no break."

"What?!" again he shrieked. "I ain't eating no nasty ant microwaved food and I'm hungrrrrry."(The last word was a sniveling whine, if you didn't catch that from spelling).

I was extremely tired of the shrieks and I detest whining. He can have a very high pitched voice. And since I didn't want to set him off swinging at people, I decided that my best option would be to startle and distract him. With my index finger I scooped up several of the hundreds of ants that were still crawling up and down my wall. "Look." I ordered. I commanded. I had had it. "Ants don't hurt you." And with that I popped the crawling black specks into my mouth and swallowed. "Now I don't want to hear another word from you. Either heat it up here or don't heat it up at all, but don't give me any more stupid excuses because you're embarrassing yourself with your behavior."

"She just ate ants! Miss. Yoshi just ate ants!"

It worked. He was so distracted and startled by the ant eating that I had his food microwaved and had shooed him out to eat it in the hallway where his crumbs wouldn't attract more ants before he knew what hit him. Je- had a very good day today. He did all his work. But really, I doubt that he was going to give me any problems when I was crazy enough to eat ants, because you never know what a crazy woman might do.

That's part of teaching these kids that really works - distracting'em. A great trait that I picked up from my mother of a sister. Thanks Jess.

almost there

2007-05-25T10:49:00.000-07:00

The sweet fragrance of the weekend is breathing down our necks and we can hardly wait to get there. Josh woke up in the middle of the night last night with a sore throat and I woke up with a stuffy head. Not so fun. But we are almost there.

Justin, as it turns out, did not die from an over dose or anything like that. We think (are pretty sure that) he died from an infected burn on his arm. He burned himself cooking last week, didn't clean out the blisters, they got infected, and now his body is getting buried today. Because most of the kids are at the funeral today, we are just taking it easy here and talking about Justin, going to the library, and watching movies or playing board games. Nothing that will get the kids really upset. The kids here at school want to make some sort of memorial for him. The window that he broke a few months ago (he was angry and threw a chain through it) is still boarded over, so I suggested that instead of replacing it, we paint a mural on it or something. I was kind of joking, but everyone seems to think that it's a decent idea.

I can't wait to get out of school at the end of today.

catch-up and dreams

2007-05-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

Maybe not quite as appetizing as ketchup and eggs in the morning, but still, hopefully, interesting.

Yesterday was really really hard because of Josh's getting pepper sprayed and tear gassed. All day sucked because I was worrying about him and wishing that he didn't have to go through something that I knew would be painful for him. He came out ok. Apparently tear gas is nothing but pepper spray is the evilest vile thing on Earth ... just plain nasty ... and he hates it. It was 20 minutes, after getting sprayed, before he could even open his eyes. Water reactivates it, so every time that he sweated yesterday it hurt all over again. His eyes were all puffy last night and his skin looked like someone had slapped him. It really sucked for him and I hated it a lot, in a very selfish way, because I couldn't even kiss him to console him. I think that I'd much rather not know, and not anticipate, when something bad is going to happen to someone I love.

The kids at school are having various interesting reactions to Justin's death. Thank you to all the people who called and emailed me about it (esp. Dad and Grandma). Some of them flat out don't believe that he is dead. Some of them are suicidal. Some of them are happy (it's hard not to slap them). And some dealt with it fairly normally.

I just have to say that I am SO looking forward to this weekend. I get to see all my family (yay!!!! I'm so excited!!!) and I have an extra day on Monday and Josh's "fun run" on Monday got cancelled. I am so so so so so so so very excited!!!

In other news, I got a call from the principal of W. Christian, and he is trying to see if he can put together enough classes for me to come and work there next year. That would be so cool, as all the other teaching jobs in the area that are open are at least an hour's drive away, one way.

I dreamt twice last night, and then woke up a lot thinking about my dreams. They were both interesting, the second more so (to me) than the first because the first was rather obvious in its meaning.

In the first dream I lived at my house here in M-, only it was two stories and a boarding school. The kids that I teach, and my mom, lived with me. One day I went out with my mom (in my dad's Element no less) to go shopping and there were five tornadoes on my street (even though I told the news services that there were only four). I was rather put out at how hard it was to close the car door because of the wind, and muttered about how earthquakes are fine but honestly, tornadoes? My mother drove recklessly around them onto the neighbors lawns, narrowly missing little old ladies and such, and we proceeded to the store. When we got back the tornadoes were gone, although it was still cloudy, and the contents of my house were strewn across the street and the boys that I teach were throwing and ripping everything. I knew that it was not the tornadoes that had caused the damage, but the boys. I got really angry and yelled at them, "Look what you did! I can't even laugh normally any more and make jokes because of you! I can't be happy like I used to because of you! Put my stuff back!" Because of course the stuff that they had thrown around the neighborhood, my furniture, was actually my emotions.

Then I woke up. The second dream was much more interesting to me because I haven't figured out all the symbols yet, and because it was about Josh, and not me.

I was in a town that I am familiar with in my dreams, because it is the dream town where my sister lives, single, in her cool retro-70's apartment complete with shag rug where she does cool things like watch movies on t.v. until midnight while eating popcorn and has a roommate. But I wasn't there for my sister this time. I was there for my husband. So instead of setting off for the apartment (which has stained glass windows by the way), I set off for the junior college. As I went up the steps I saw a class of Navy recruits (representative of the police department) warming up for their 3 mile race, only they were doing a really poor job of it and I walked past them, smug, that I my husband was in the marines (the sheriff's department), and not the much-less-together Navy. I went on in to the J.C. and was surprised to find him in an Art class. He was sculpting. All of the sudden so much about him made sense to me. He's an artist!!! That is why he is moody and temperamental! It made so much sense! So I watched him sculpt for a while. After a while he fell asleep on top of a 3 inch binder full of pictures of his past that I had never seen before. It was labeled on the spine, "Family Pictures, friends, and Sin." I was immensely curious, because it was part of his life that I had never seen before, so I slipped it out from under his sleeping head and began to look at the pictures. By looking at the pictures I realized that he had been married before me and never told me about it. There had been a very pretty little asian girl in his homeschool group who he had fallen madly in love with and when he was 17 1/2, and she was 15, they had run away and gotten married (much to Josh's Father's anger) and, soon after, had a darling little girl. He was so happy with her and so in love that I cried looking at the pictures because soon after their daughter had been born she, and her mother, had died in a car crash. I was horrified that Josh had lost his first true love and I was heart broken for him. I don't know how long I cried (in my dream) over Josh's loss, and I could understand why he would never want to tell me about it because he was so sad to remember his dead wife. I felt really sad for him, but like I knew him a lot better. Then I woke up.

Reality time. Josh never had a first wife (before me), nor a child. And he is not a sculptor, although he is temperamental and prone to odd emotions like an artist. I can't figure out what those symbols mean or are about. Huh.

a week already

2007-05-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Josh has a lot coming up this week - specifically, on Tuesday he gets sprayed with pepper spray and then tear gas. This is the beginning of week 18.

My week here at school. I just found out that one of our high schoolers passed away over the weekend. He went home on Friday with a stomach ache, took pepto bismol, went to sleep on Friday, and then never woke up. I always sort of think that these kids have a short life expectancy because of how they behave. I never really thought that they have a short life expectancy because of other reasons. The first thing I thought of, I know it is weird, is of my hermit crabs and how odd their dead bodies looked when they died ... how a living thing suddenly becomes a repulsive bit of matter ... and then how big Justin's dead body must look so odd and strangely repulsive now that he is not in it. How strange our existence is. Anyways, please pray because it is going to be a hard day, week, something for the kids and us here.

Tuesday tuesday, again

2007-05-15T08:08:00.000-07:00

::grin!:: but this Tuesday morning I not only read my Bible, but also had a good 15 minutes left over to read The Fellowship of the Ring. School went well yesterday. I finally figured out that these kids, even with medication, are really really ADD, and so I've shortened all my lessons to about 20 - 30 minutes and just go through all the subjects once in the morning and once more in the afternoon. So we still cover the correct amount of material, but we just do it in shorter increments. It worked really well yesterday, and we got everything done, which is not normal because with how I was teaching it before we would usually lose at least 1 period's worth of work because someone was having a melt down. The method of instruction really does matter.

Josh is doing well. He had another "fun run" on Saturday. The cool thing about it was that his folks were in town and they got to come and see him run. It really meant a lot to him to have them there and he was glad that they got to see some of what he does at least once before he graduates. =) He is stressed though. This week is his second "Will to Survive" which is where they physically exhaust him and then make him fight people, only this one will be harder and will involve a lot more exhaustion. He has several tests this week (a communication skills test today), and others, one of which is Spanish. tee-hee! So I have to work with him on his Spanish tonight, and probably go on a run as well.

anyways, I have to go and start my class now. Love ya'll!

fluid

2007-05-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

The days feel like stained glass windows. Light streams every where and the trees blow so fluidly that I would believe I was watching seaweed pulled by the tide. Sunlight filters through my windows in the afternoons. It feels like a breath that I can't breathe deeply enough or a smell that I caught, that caught a memory, and I can't smell quite enough of it to remember. I am caught in a Rembrandt. Life is so beautiful that it is hard to believe.

I'm not going to teach these kids again next year. It is just too hard. I could either be a good wife, or I could be a good teacher, I cannot be both. There is a limit to the emotional energy I can bestow and I've reached it. The last few weeks I've been walking around like a broken zombie, crying (not at school) for no reason, or at least very small reasons. I cannot do it all. I can do some, but not all. And I'm terrified of being a Spanish teacher. I don't believe in myself, or my abilities. The world can tell me that I am smart, capable, and many other things, but I don't believe it. Part of why I handle these broken children so well, and pour myself out for them so eagerly, is because they remind me of me. I hope that I can save them, to somehow prove that I myself am salvageable. I see them so clearly - their pain and worries, because that's how I felt when I was their age. I never acted out on it like they do, they are almost emotional caricatures of normality, but I felt them. If they who are so broken, so hurt, and so needy can somehow be whole, pleasured, and content ... and successful ... maybe I can too. If I can see them and their needs so clearly, maybe someone can see mine. If I can see the solution for them, maybe one exists for me. But I cannot save them and maintain my sanity or health ... not them and my husband. It is too much. I cannot hold it all. I feel like I am a sword swallower, both at school and at home, only it's gone terribly wrong and the sword ripped out the back of my throat instead of traveling in and out safely. If I carry everyone else's burdens, who will care for mine? The only reason that I am feeling better is because I talked to Monica and remembered that there are people who care for me, and two of my worst students left last week - one to be with his father, and one to a mental hospital.

Today I sat in a white room with one of my students and stopped him from choking himself to death with his sweatshirt. Once I had taken that from him, he tried to use his hands instead. Even though once he passed out he would have started breathing again, I stopped him (I was scared that he would crush his throat). I grabbed his wrists and said very sternly, "I am not going to let you choke yourself. You are too precious. You are worth too much to destroy. So stop it." He did stop it, and then started crying. I patted him on the back like a baby and told him that I loved him. He disagreed, saying that no one loved him. I told him that love does what is best for the person who is being loved; it does not do what the person wants. And that by doing what was best for him, I loved him. He got really quiet after that. Later on, back in class, when I was making him take his history test and he was about to throw a fit over it, I told him that again, this is what love looks like. He finished his test and got a B on it. I think that he needs to be taught about love like a baby playing peek-a-boo ... there it is! ... there it is! ... there it is! ... there it is!

It really sucked though. Every time they scream in that piercing wail my body sends a shot of epinephrine through my veins, very much against my will. I know, mentally, that I am not in danger and that my physical body can do nothing to save them, but my body responds none-the-less. I am tired. But today was much better than last week. And the week before that.

Josh is doing well. I think. He is class sergeant this week, the doom of all academy doom, but he is doing well. I think. He looks brilliant in his uniform - all trim and healthy - and continues on successfully in his courses. He heard a very excellent speaker today on ethics ... it is the one subject that they teach him that he will not be tested on because they can't figure out how to test for ethics. Funny, that.

all downhill from here

2007-04-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

Josh is officially more than halfway through this program. So even though it is hard and seemingly eternal ... the end will be here sooner than it feels like. Yay!

School has really been sucking hard for me this week. My newest kid Ru has been a royal pita (lucky me, all my kids have been dubbed pita's by the school shrink, but he is the biggest of them all). Golly, but they have been more than we can literally handle. On the up side though? I gave them a math test this week and they did far above and beyond what I thought they could. I know that they will probably never thank me for all the really hard work that my aides and I put in for them, but it was like a big huge pat-on-the-back to see them know how to find the area of a shape, work out long equations using PEMDAS correctly, substitute in numbers for X, and the like. It really made me feel great because even though a lot of times they still act like a bunch of hellions, they actually are learning. They know more now than they did when I first started teaching them.

Tomorrow's big event? I'm walking them over to the local public library. It'll be an adventure, but I'm determined that they shall have library cards and pick out their own books to read during SSR (so that they can't complain about it) and so that they will build up a sense of responsibility. Also cool? We started our garden this week. My dad had a couple extra cantaloupe plants and even though our big 4'x8'x8" planters have not yet arrived, I showed my kids how to transplant the little seedlings into a bigger pot so that when the real garden time came they would know how it should be done. It was really cool to huddle down in the mud with them and show them what my dad taught me all those years ago. Also, when later on that day one of the elementary school kids lost his cool and kicked the clay pots and broke them, my kids stopped their various tantrums and came together to save the seedlings. We transferred the plant to a bowl and this morning we once more transplanted the little guys into new clay pots, only this time we are keeping them inside our room until we get the big planters. My kids are now starting to worry about how the other kids will probably ruin our garden. Oh my gosh! Actions have consequences and acting out in anger hurts others. Even if the garden never bears literal fruit, there have already been some good fruitful lessons from it.

Well, off to bed at 7:30. Do you realize that I'm getting about 10 hours of sleep a night? It's crazy I tell you!

back again

2007-04-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

Spring Break was wonderful! We went to church two Sundays in a row (yes, both of us!) Actually, we tried out Evergreen (the all asian church) out and it was really great. I think that we might go back there again. Plus it was really cool to sit next to Ba-chan in church. She was in her element!

Over break Josh got through another week of, actually not quite so bad, academy. This Thursday he is officially half way through! Yay! The recruits had a party on Friday that involved a lot of laughing and alcohol ... between Josh and I we drank on shot of rum (in coke) and half a beer. That is to say I drank and Josh didn't. Also funny on the academy front? One of the awesome girl recruits, Lawson, who had to cut her hair super short for the academy and always spikes it up in a mohawk over the weekend, got caught by one of the TAC Staff at the range on Saturday with it in the hawk. TAC Officer A. was not so happy with it. Poor Lawson, but also a little funny!

I had to go back to school today. There were good parts (I got two hugs from my little guys, aww!) and one of my other seventh graders told off the psychotic foot-fetish older student for me, "Don't hit on my sister! Umm, teacher!" (was that a Freudian slip?) but my big eighth graders decided to act crazy. Not fun. Fortunately none of my students acted as crazy as the high schooler who thought that it was a good idea to bring a steak knife to school and threaten one of the other kids with it in the bathroom (given, the other kid had robbed him over the weekend of several hundred dollars worth of stuff, but still ...). He was taken away in handcuffs. The high school staff kind of suspect that part of why he did it was so that he would be safe in jail and miss the gang jump in that he is scheduled to endure this weekend. It's for the "crazy L.A." gang too ... and if a crazy kid thinks that a gang is crazy, then it must be super crazy.

So. Yeah. Oh! And my family is all doing well and I got to see them and spend some time with them over break. Very fun. And we have spent over $1,000 on car repairs and new tires for Josh's car in the last two weeks, not fun, but praise God that we can afford it right now (as compared to 5 months ago). See, crappy stuff in life does happen, but God really is gracious in the timing sometimes!

Please do continue to pray for Josh and I. That the academy will continue to go well for him (that he passes his inspection and practical application well tomorrow) and that my kids will calm down (please please please God!) and that the work I am doing in their lives right now will have some lasting good effect on them. Thanks and my love to you all!

six years

2007-04-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been six years and six days since Josh first asked me out. That is the anniversary that really matters to me. Our wedding really wasn't that important to me, especially as I hate weddings, but him asking me out is the date that I will always remember. Today was a good day, and it was special too. We were out having lunch with some friends, about eight of them, and there was a couple sitting next to us. They've been going out a bit more than a month and they were bickering back and forth. Today I realized that that couple is no longer Josh and I. We talked about it. We both agreed that we've both grown a lot. I feel like we've finally gotten over some evil tip of the iceberg and that we are finally right for each other. Last week we finally agreed that getting married to each other wasn't a mistake and that we really are meant to be together. It may sound silly, but it really has taken us six years to figure that out.

Today is also the first day in my life that I baked pies all on my own. I have no idea how they taste yet, but I baked three. One for Josh (an apple pie), and two for my family for Easter tomorrow (pumpkin pies). I discovered that I am horrible at rolling out dough. Auntie and Josh were there to laugh with me about it.

I am also not so good at drawing, but I really enjoy doing it. It is very relaxing, although I find it easier to draw when someone else gives me the subject.

On Wednesday this last week I had an Easter egg hunt for my kids around the classroom - and I copied Josh's family's way of it and had some of the eggs tell the Easter story about Jesus. That was pretty cool. It was their "history" lesson. On Thursday we dyed Easter eggs. My classroom carpet will never be the same color again, but they really enjoyed it. On Friday Mr. M., Miss. D., and I made the kids Easter baskets. That was a hit. Later on we joined the high schoolers for a relay race, which *ahem* my team won (I helped by eating a whole chocolate bunny in record time and nearly throwing up because of it), and then we had water balloon tosses and then a water balloon fight. It was incredibly fun!

Josh had a good week too. The TAC Staff laid off on his class because the new baby class is so bad that they needed remediation. I'd say poor baby class, but I hear that they deserve it. On their first day they had to call an ambulance for one of their guys after their p.t. session and three of them are already claiming to have an injury. Not so bueno.

Josh and I are finally sharing a life, and therefore a home. I have no idea where we will end up or what we will end up doing, but at least we will have great memories of, finally, loving each other well.

Playing Catch-up

2007-04-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

So ... Friday was a good day, and today is Monday. A few things to catch up on ...

My boy Je- the little black boy who regularly greets me with, "FUCK!" every morning and then turns around and walks back out of the classroom (he comes back after a few minutes and continues along the same line), did not go to his court appearance last week. He came to school instead. So I pre-emptively struck him by offering him breakfast before he could yell out his daily greeting. Je is always hungry! So that morning started out differently for him. He also started taking his meds that day. The next day Mr. B, my big aide, taught him how to comb out his hair and make a fro. "You pick then you flick." It was a really cute scene. And honestly, a kid should not have to wait until he is 12 to learn how to comb out his hair. Apparently the process was somewhat painful for Je as the pick has yet to make a second appearance and his hair is getting quite nappy again. But since that day the meds have started working and he has said other words to me in the morning instead of fuck. It's been quite nice.

On Friday the new baby class came on compound and so the heat was finally off the Junior class. Yay! It was really cool for Josh and the other recruits too because they got to start seeing the more instructional side of the TAC Staff, which they really enjoyed. They also realized how over the last few months the TAC Staff have slowly eased up on them because they were shocked at how the TAC were yelling at the new recruits at full volume non-stop the whole time. They talked it over on Saturday morning and said, "Oh, yeah, they really did used to yell at us like that, didn't they?" It was rather amusing to me to watch them realize that, because from the way that they complain I would think that the TAC Staff had carried on just as brutally as they started, but apparently that is not the case. Hmm ...

Saturday morning Josh had a mandatory voluntary "fun run" ... which was actually quite fun for me! It was so freak'n cool and impressive to see all the recruits lined up, yelling jodies, marching together in step, dressed out and respectable. They were an impressive awesome sight, and it was really encouraging to me to see them because it helped me realize more and more that the work that I've been putting in on their behalf actually does have fruit. It was really cool to, to see the crowd's reaction to them. Everyone in the crowd was really impressed. Mothers, grandmothers, and fathers told their kids about how those people there are the heroes who protect us and complete strangers said, "hey, get out of my way lady, I'm trying to take a picture of these guys," to me, and when I asked them who they knew in the group they said no one, that they just wanted to take a picture of the cool sheriffs. Ha. I'm cooler. I know those guys. It also really brought to mind all of those stories I have read about the Napoleonic wars and how the armies had tons of wives (and whores) following them around. I got to be one of those wives on Saturday. I met two of the other wives on Saturday as well, merely by bumping into them over and over (all of us were taking pics of our awesome cool men) and finally I introduced myself to them, and we fell in beside our troops, talking about our common and different experiences. They were wives from class 178, and Josh is class 179, but as one of the wives put it, "you're still family." So true.

Seeing Josh get to be part of a big awesome group like that on Saturday also made me jealous. Although he is working hard, going through the program like he is, at least he had all the support of his fellow recruits. Us wives have nothing like that. I was also jealous because I still really regret not joining the military after high school. I've always wanted to march around in step in a big group of people all having a common purpose in life. It is such a neat way of belonging.

One thing that was hilariously funny about Saturday was seeing all the other recruits make fun of Josh's marching abilities. They are a really funny bunch. (Some of them did try and help him learn how to call the marches though, after they laughed along). He really is bad at it! This inspired us to spend an hour last night marching up and down our street. I played the part of the platoon, and he played the platoon sergeant, calling out commands and seeing if he could get me to stop at the correct spot. I can't tell you how many times he called out "left" when I was stepping down with my right foot! By the end of the hour he was better though, and his calling went a lot better today, although he still says that he sucks at it. I think that in our hour we also provided the neighborhood with a lot of amusement. Yup, we're serving the community already, in our own special way.

Today was an odd day at school. The morning was really good and peaceful. Apart from being called a slut by Co and a bitch by Ju, (Je actually didn't cuss all morning! I'm telling you, drugs are wonderful!), and my new kid Ru was being his great new self, my kids were really good this morning. He wasn't in class today, because he had a court appearance to see if he could go back and live with his father who now has a job and an apartment. I don't know how the judge ruled on that one. It would be better for the other kids if he went, because he is an incredibly distracting person, but I think that it would be better for He if he stayed because he is convinced that if he leaves that he will get into a lot of trouble out on the street and start running with the gangs again. So ... maybe I'll find out tomorrow what our fate will be. But this morning was really peaceful and easy (comparatively) without him.

Also cool is that the other teachers have started referring kids to me when the kids have a spiritual question, which I think is really just plain neat. Co, a few hours after calling me a slut, wanted to know more about if Jesus really purged the souls out of Hell when he died and before he rose. If Co doesn't end up in jail (or maybe when he's done being in jail) I could see him being a really awesome pastor/theologian someday. It's really fun to get all those religious "Miss. Yoshi questions" that a lot of the other staff really don't know how to answer. See, a minor in Bible really does pay off!

The afternoon, however, was not quite as good as my aide, Mr. B. decided to tell Ru that he was, "going to kill him," and then Mr. B. tried to call Ru out, like he was going to fight him. I was shocked. Thankfully Ru did not get up out of his seat (thank you Lord!) and then Mr. B. left immediately for his lunch break. I told the principal what happened, had Mr. B. apologize when he got back and talked with him about being the bigger man ... and we'll see where the dice land. Mr. B. may not get hired on as a permanent staff after that little incident. Sad, because it was really nice having two aides. But I do not want an aide that is going to threaten my kids. (Also not cool is that one of Mr. M.'s aides, Mr. T, made my boy Is cry during lunch for the second day in a row. Not cool. I've been talking to the school psychologists about it).

Josh had a good day today, despite getting four R. I. R.'s (remedial instruction reports). He got three of them in a row in the TAC office. Nice. =) But he and I are both in good spirits. And yay! I have Spring Break next week. The only really sad thing about it is that while I am looking forward to it with anticipation, my kids are looking forward to it with dread. They do NOT want to stay at home all day. As much as our school is a "shithole," it is apparently much better than being at home. Why? Because they are lonely at home, where no one cares about them. ::Sigh:: Hopefully none of the will O.D. over break or get into any serious trouble! Something to pray about. Well, I have written more than enough. How are you?