love hopes all things, endures all things,

love never fails.

How powerful those words are to me. Every day is very very hard. Yesterday I had two fights in my class. Today two boys from another class invaded my room, threw a book a one of my boys and slapped another ... and my boys weren't behaving either. It is so hard. But love hopes all things. I hope that my boys will grow to be strong good men who serve God and love everyone. Love endures all things. I endure their tantrums, when they call me names and break property because they are mad that I make them follow the rules, and when I withhold a reward that they did not earn, or write a report (as I must do by law) when they damage property or assault another person. I endure.

And love never fails. Love never fails at what? Doing what is best for the person being loved? Does love ever fail to have an effect?

Yesterday, when it was so hard and no one was participating, and I was trying to get one of them to read their book, Co and Za were arguing, and Ju had his head down, I heard a small voice begin to haltingly read the history book. It was Is, my native Spanish-speaker, who I have been working with. And this morning, it was worth it, because Co started asking me questions about Jesus, God, Heaven, and Hell and he asked questions that I answered for 45 minutes. Even though this afternoon he went on to destroy property, disrupt my class, call a lot of people a whole slew of terrible names, and continues to be angry with me for reporting his behavior ... it was worth it. He knows that whatever he does, whatever he messes up on, that it can be forgiven by God.

Others hoped for me, endured for me, and never failed me. I will hope for these boys, endure them, and pray that I won't fail them. The worst thing, though, is when I am faced with moments that I don't know what to do. Do I insist that they work? Do I give in and let them play? I'm not good at balancing, especially these kids who are so fragile, scared, and dangerous. How do I help them to become more who God made them to be? And if they do that, I know that I cannot protect them. These kids have buried themselves in defenses against the world, and for good reason, if I open them up, am I helping them? If I teach them to be vulnerable to others, and send them home to watch their mom get beat up, or to be beat up by their mother, have I done them a favor? I need wisdom. More than I have now.

When the last thing I see as I leave for the day is my student, Je, who spent the whole day in in-house detention because yesterday he pulled open the emergency door of the bus and tried to run away because he didn't want to go home that badly, being hauled to a room to sit and wait for the police to come and arrest him because he treatened to scratch the principal's car and he repeatedly hit, kicked, and bit staff members at the school ... when that happens, what does love look like? Punishing him for his bad behavior, encouraging him to do what is best in the future ... I think that the school psychologist had it right. As he screamed and lashed out, "I don't care! I don't care!" as they dragged him away she yelled back, "yes you do!" He spent his whole self screaming back, "No I don't! No I don't! I don't care!" she followed him saying, "then I'll care for you." And with that the doors closed and they were gone.