Good Morning!

It has been a while.

Two weeks ago Josh successfully got through his "night problems" which were three nights of pretend car stops, investigation situations, and range (gun/shooting) scenarios. Last week he was rewarded by getting to learn how to drive like a cop - skidding out, weaving, and all other fun things. This week he is fighting a cold and woke up in the middle of the night last night with a stomach ache. I gave him pepto bismol and he felt better and could sleep after that, but I think that the poor guy is well and truly tired out. Months of the academy are really starting to show, and although he is successful and has less than a month left to go (praise God!), he is tired. I wish that he could have a break.

My life, on the other hand, has gotten a lot easier lately. Two weeks ago I finished up at Stimson, said "good-bye" to all my kids, and left. I actually had a really good last week with them. They almost acted like normal kids and I felt like they knew that they were loved. Last Monday I started teaching summer school here at WCHS and it is wonderful. I feel as if I were coming alive again after months of being too worn to enjoy anything. I don't know if it was Josh going through the academy and supporting him through that, working at Stimson, (or probably both) that killed me, but I feel like me and I didn't know that I was missing being me this much. I can breathe again.

One good thing that I brought out of Stimson, though, was a new awareness and understanding of teaching. I think that I'm now really and truly a professional teacher and I feel like I've finally gotten a grasp on things. I also came out of Stimson with a new friend, and I think that we will stay friends. I've missed having guy friends and the perspective that they give me, and being friends with M has really helped me appreciate Josh (and his points of view) a lot more and reminds me that men and women really are different and that's ok. I'm so lucky to be with Josh. He's becoming more and more a wonderful husband and I have very few things that I could complain about and even fewer that I actually would. I feel like I can be more and more honest with him about stuff and it's restful. I like restful.

Well, class starts in half an hour, so I'm going to go prep. May God be with you all and may you lean on his mercies.

muddled

Feel free not to read this post. It's long and ... inconclusive.

So now I'm just plain muddled. The more I Think about everything, the less sense and straight forwardness I can make of it. And it's not just one thing that I think of, but One thing leads to the next and the next and the next and then it all circles around in my head.

1. So I got a job offer. good.
2. It's not the best pay (although it's close enough to be nothing I would complain about but far enough that Josh would complain about it) and it's not in Orange County but is close to where we live now.
3. Josh and I do not yet live in Orange County and may not for years.
4. Gas wise and car wear and tear wise it would make more sense to take this job. It would save money, maybe as much money as I would make extra at another teaching job.
5. But then when we do move to Orange County (in a month? five years? who knows?) then I would have to commute more and the money wear and tear argument would go in the other direction.
6. Josh thinks that if I get offered the Villa Park job that I should take that because I may never get another opportunity like that again. He has a point, but it seems a bit on the narrow-minded pessimistic side. If I am supposed to have another opportunity like that again, then God will provide it. (Not that I even know that I have an opportunity like that now because it's not like Villa Park has actually offered me anything).
7. I would rather teach at Whittier than sub next year. Right now the actual opportunities in front of me are not Whittier and somewhere else, but Whittier and subbing. I don't want to sub again. I want my own classes. (I'm so possessive).
8. Should I hold out for some maybe better unknown job? Or take the good real one that I am offered now that doesn't include a two-hour-a-day commute? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? (Or in this case one bird and 2 to 7 thousand dollars a year more.)
9. This led me into pondering Josh and his family's reaction and the differences between us. Part of me is defensive, and repulsively so. The horrible younger sister competitive voice in my head puts in that hateful remark, "well I'm doing better than he was doing when he was my age." Ugh. What a repulsive and horrible part of myself! I detest that voice. It's so ugly and mean spirited. When will it die? And what was Josh doing when he was my age? Supporting me through school so that I could be this successful and have these opportunities when I am this age. And he and his family have a point. I could do better. Maybe. If a better job were offered.
9b. But I also need to keep in mind that enrollment in schools is down and there is a slump in the teaching market because of this, so the fact that I got any job offer is wonderful in and of itself because there are a lot of people out there who won't even get that much.
10. This leads to several questions. Should I try to "do better" monetarily-wise? And would it be better in a holistic way? And does my family inheritance, which is so rich in brains and book-learning, leave me poorly prepared to pursue a better paying job? Or is it just my own messed-up self that feels guilty at the thought that I might make a more decent living, not be poor, and move in social circles that society would say is above where I came from? And would making more money be better for God's Kingdom and my family? Or ... or ... or ... or?
11. And I'm still feeling muddled about the experiences I have gone through in the last five months. Josh's job has changed. Josh and I have changed in our relationship. My role at home has changed. My job has changed. I'm not a student any more. And now it is going to change again.
11b. And working at Stimson only highlighted for me how there is so much that I don't know. And I don't always have the right, best, or most well-informed reactions to students. I need to study psychology some to get better informed reactions and live another five to thirty years to get better and more right reactions. There were such new and different situations at that school that I went through that I really was stumped on what to do. And I'm still not sure what the best thing to do in some of those situations was. And it is so painful - that place is like a well of Hell.
12. As if to highlight that change referred to in #11, life just happened here. There were gunshots down the street from our house. In the past Josh would have just run outside with his gun to check it out and see if he needed to protect us. Now Josh first put on his bullet-proof vest, dark clothing, running shoes, and then cautiously ran out of the house with his gun to see if he needed to protect us. Yes, these are good changes. But maybe moving to Orange County sooner rather than later wouldn't be out of order. Whatever was happening down the street is over now and whoever was shooting is gone now. Huh.
13. So I'm muddled. But feeling better about my muddle now that I wrote it out.
14. The other thing that is weighing on me is Josh. When he talks about what he's going through right now ... the part that bothers him the most - the interaction with his peers - sounds exactly like high school. Complete with clicks and in-crowds. And as he didn't go through high school with other kids he has never encountered it before and has no idea how to navigate it. It's so hard to see him puzzled, hurt, and a little bewildered at this type of social interaction. He talks about how when everyone started out they all tried extra hard to be nice because everyone wanted people to like them, but now that time has passed they have all formed groups and all of the sudden the people that he likes all have issues with each other and he's sort of stuck. And then there are groups that are exclusive, excluding him at times, and he can't understand why. It's odd to watch a 27-year-old go through for the first time what all public school kids are so familiar with. What advice is there to give? Biblical is best, "to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law" and "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy;" that's it. But it is difficult and at some point he will understand it better and know it well enough to act intuitively. Until then, he will have to make conscious decisions about all his social interactions and weigh every word before it is spoken ... which is wearing and troubling. I see it now whenever I hang out with him and his academy buddies, where he used to laugh and joke along now he can't, because they are all joking about their fellow classmates in mean ways and he can't laugh along because he cares for those people too. But those people are being mean about the other people and so he is stuck. He'll figure it out. But it's hard to watch.

odd circumstances

Life is decidedly odd for me right now. I burned my arm today pouring tea, which is something that used to just be painful and annoying ... now I'm a little freaked about the one inch welt because I know that it can lead to death. Odd.

Whittier Christian offered me a job yesterday. I wasn't relieved because I really have been trusting God for the providence of a job for about a month now (prior to which I was having sleepless nights worrying about whether or not anyone would want to hire me). I am sort of weirded out by it though. Me? Have a real adult job? Really? It's an odd vote of confidence, when someone actually offers you a job. Someone besides my parents think that I can do it. My family's first reaction to the job offer? Joy. Josh's and his family's first reaction to the job offer? You're not going to take it are you? You're going to hold out for more aren't you? Huh. It's an odd difference and reminds me after months of peaceful marital status that Josh and I really do come from different backgrounds with different expectations. It's nothing to fight over (like we would have done six months ago), but it's an odd reminder. Why? So it's a few thousand less than public school ... but it's still a good job, right? It's a real adult position. Besides, I don't know that I want to make that much money. I don't want to be so poor that I'm tempted to sin, but I don't want to be so rich that I forget God and my dependence on him.

Speaking of being rich, I had a really good day spending my money on other people today. That is one of the most satisfying parts of having money - being able to share it with people that I love. It's so fun to be able to help or just plain provide enjoyment for someone else. It is nice to have a little extra, but not too much.

lots and lots

As of yesterday, Josh and I have been married three years. I honestly didn't think that we would get so far (I thought one of us would die first) and I really didn't think that we would be so happy together. It's always nice to be pleasantly surprised.

Today Josh ran 6 miles, uphill, both ways, and he didn't like it. But he did it anyways. He's one of the better shooters in his class (I'd say in the top ten), and he's passed all of his tests so far. His biggest test, "Night Problems" is coming up next week. It'll be at night and he'll encounter some problems doing pretend car stops and searches, but we don't know specifically what it'll be. We do know, however, that if he doesn't pass then he will be instantly fired. It's a pretty big deal. But when he gets through that then the next week he gets to go to a closed driving course and learn how to drive like a cop - squealing 'round corners and everything.

The kids actually really missed me when I was sick last week. On Monday when I came back, one of them was in in-house suspension for trying to stab my sub with a pen. I went to go talk things over with him and as soon as he saw me through the door window he flung himself at me yelling, "Yoshi!" and gave me a big hug. Awww. Then we had a talk about how it's not ok to stab people. He gave me this sheepish grin with a hang dog look ... "Yeah, I know ..." Co- missed me too, "you're going to be here tomorrow, right?" accompanied by an anxious look.

But after being gone from them for nearly a week, and going to two different normal schools (one for an interview and the one that I'm going to teach at this summer), I feel a lot more like my old self, my acne has cleared up significantly, and I was strongly reminded how off these kids are from what is considered normal. So yesterday when Ju- started cussing me out because I wouldn't let him use the computer I decided that I had had enough and I wasn't going to let them get away with anything. Starting this morning, I and my aides have been monstrously strict with them, forcing them to tow all lines and being tyrants about taking away their points. And it's working. I know that it might sound silly being that I only have another 6 days with them, but now that I know I have a good relationship with them and they know that I honestly do love them, I am going to show them how good some old fashioned discipline is. It's worked rather well. I had a brilliant day today and they all did their work. They even sat in their desks. The only bump I had was the ants.

Je- almost got out of control this morning when I told him that he could heat up his food in the microwave and he opened the microwave to find his hamburger that he left in there two days ago (and he nearly beat up another kid who he thought had stolen it!), all covered with hordes of ants. So we tossed out the old burger. I microwaved the ants until they died, cleaned out the microwave, and then I made to put his fresher food in there to heat it up. "What?!" he shrieked. "You are NOT putting my food in there!!!!"

"Why not?" I asked, honestly puzzled.

"Because there were ants in there! I ain't eating no food from a microwave that had f-n ants in it!"

"Fudging ants. Well then you are going to eat cold food."

"No, I'm going to go heat it up in Mr. M's room."

"No you're not. You are not going to go and disturb another class!" I said in an extremely firm voice.

"Well then you can go heat it up in the teacher's lounge for me." he said with all the snobbery of a king.

"Nope. You can heat it up here or eat it cold. Keep this up and you won't eat it at all until lunch time, break or no break."

"What?!" again he shrieked. "I ain't eating no nasty ant microwaved food and I'm hungrrrrry."(The last word was a sniveling whine, if you didn't catch that from spelling).

I was extremely tired of the shrieks and I detest whining. He can have a very high pitched voice. And since I didn't want to set him off swinging at people, I decided that my best option would be to startle and distract him. With my index finger I scooped up several of the hundreds of ants that were still crawling up and down my wall. "Look." I ordered. I commanded. I had had it. "Ants don't hurt you." And with that I popped the crawling black specks into my mouth and swallowed. "Now I don't want to hear another word from you. Either heat it up here or don't heat it up at all, but don't give me any more stupid excuses because you're embarrassing yourself with your behavior."

"She just ate ants! Miss. Yoshi just ate ants!"

It worked. He was so distracted and startled by the ant eating that I had his food microwaved and had shooed him out to eat it in the hallway where his crumbs wouldn't attract more ants before he knew what hit him. Je- had a very good day today. He did all his work. But really, I doubt that he was going to give me any problems when I was crazy enough to eat ants, because you never know what a crazy woman might do.

That's part of teaching these kids that really works - distracting'em. A great trait that I picked up from my mother of a sister. Thanks Jess.