muddled

Feel free not to read this post. It's long and ... inconclusive.

So now I'm just plain muddled. The more I Think about everything, the less sense and straight forwardness I can make of it. And it's not just one thing that I think of, but One thing leads to the next and the next and the next and then it all circles around in my head.

1. So I got a job offer. good.
2. It's not the best pay (although it's close enough to be nothing I would complain about but far enough that Josh would complain about it) and it's not in Orange County but is close to where we live now.
3. Josh and I do not yet live in Orange County and may not for years.
4. Gas wise and car wear and tear wise it would make more sense to take this job. It would save money, maybe as much money as I would make extra at another teaching job.
5. But then when we do move to Orange County (in a month? five years? who knows?) then I would have to commute more and the money wear and tear argument would go in the other direction.
6. Josh thinks that if I get offered the Villa Park job that I should take that because I may never get another opportunity like that again. He has a point, but it seems a bit on the narrow-minded pessimistic side. If I am supposed to have another opportunity like that again, then God will provide it. (Not that I even know that I have an opportunity like that now because it's not like Villa Park has actually offered me anything).
7. I would rather teach at Whittier than sub next year. Right now the actual opportunities in front of me are not Whittier and somewhere else, but Whittier and subbing. I don't want to sub again. I want my own classes. (I'm so possessive).
8. Should I hold out for some maybe better unknown job? Or take the good real one that I am offered now that doesn't include a two-hour-a-day commute? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? (Or in this case one bird and 2 to 7 thousand dollars a year more.)
9. This led me into pondering Josh and his family's reaction and the differences between us. Part of me is defensive, and repulsively so. The horrible younger sister competitive voice in my head puts in that hateful remark, "well I'm doing better than he was doing when he was my age." Ugh. What a repulsive and horrible part of myself! I detest that voice. It's so ugly and mean spirited. When will it die? And what was Josh doing when he was my age? Supporting me through school so that I could be this successful and have these opportunities when I am this age. And he and his family have a point. I could do better. Maybe. If a better job were offered.
9b. But I also need to keep in mind that enrollment in schools is down and there is a slump in the teaching market because of this, so the fact that I got any job offer is wonderful in and of itself because there are a lot of people out there who won't even get that much.
10. This leads to several questions. Should I try to "do better" monetarily-wise? And would it be better in a holistic way? And does my family inheritance, which is so rich in brains and book-learning, leave me poorly prepared to pursue a better paying job? Or is it just my own messed-up self that feels guilty at the thought that I might make a more decent living, not be poor, and move in social circles that society would say is above where I came from? And would making more money be better for God's Kingdom and my family? Or ... or ... or ... or?
11. And I'm still feeling muddled about the experiences I have gone through in the last five months. Josh's job has changed. Josh and I have changed in our relationship. My role at home has changed. My job has changed. I'm not a student any more. And now it is going to change again.
11b. And working at Stimson only highlighted for me how there is so much that I don't know. And I don't always have the right, best, or most well-informed reactions to students. I need to study psychology some to get better informed reactions and live another five to thirty years to get better and more right reactions. There were such new and different situations at that school that I went through that I really was stumped on what to do. And I'm still not sure what the best thing to do in some of those situations was. And it is so painful - that place is like a well of Hell.
12. As if to highlight that change referred to in #11, life just happened here. There were gunshots down the street from our house. In the past Josh would have just run outside with his gun to check it out and see if he needed to protect us. Now Josh first put on his bullet-proof vest, dark clothing, running shoes, and then cautiously ran out of the house with his gun to see if he needed to protect us. Yes, these are good changes. But maybe moving to Orange County sooner rather than later wouldn't be out of order. Whatever was happening down the street is over now and whoever was shooting is gone now. Huh.
13. So I'm muddled. But feeling better about my muddle now that I wrote it out.
14. The other thing that is weighing on me is Josh. When he talks about what he's going through right now ... the part that bothers him the most - the interaction with his peers - sounds exactly like high school. Complete with clicks and in-crowds. And as he didn't go through high school with other kids he has never encountered it before and has no idea how to navigate it. It's so hard to see him puzzled, hurt, and a little bewildered at this type of social interaction. He talks about how when everyone started out they all tried extra hard to be nice because everyone wanted people to like them, but now that time has passed they have all formed groups and all of the sudden the people that he likes all have issues with each other and he's sort of stuck. And then there are groups that are exclusive, excluding him at times, and he can't understand why. It's odd to watch a 27-year-old go through for the first time what all public school kids are so familiar with. What advice is there to give? Biblical is best, "to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law" and "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy;" that's it. But it is difficult and at some point he will understand it better and know it well enough to act intuitively. Until then, he will have to make conscious decisions about all his social interactions and weigh every word before it is spoken ... which is wearing and troubling. I see it now whenever I hang out with him and his academy buddies, where he used to laugh and joke along now he can't, because they are all joking about their fellow classmates in mean ways and he can't laugh along because he cares for those people too. But those people are being mean about the other people and so he is stuck. He'll figure it out. But it's hard to watch.