It's been a while

So it's been a while since I posted. I've been busy. Finals happened. Work happened. Friends happened. Events happened. Play, rest, sickness, laziness, happiness, sadness, guilt, depression, tiredness, basically your general feeling of run-down-ness happened. But it is almost done.

Christmas is almost here. Vacation is almost here. Rest is almost here. Does that mean that I'm almost ok?

I am discovering more and more that I really do get to chose what goes on in my life. If I don't do something, it doesn't happen. If I decide to do something, I do it. It's the most amazing chain of cause and effect.

So I am the master of me. I submit to those who I chose to. I do what I want, and what I can, when and how I do it. I affect me and my say in things matters. I am powerful.

This probably sounds childish to a lot of you, especially you first borns who have been disturbing the universe since you first popped out, but it's a fairly new thing for me.

Josh is going to Australia for 10 days. I feel like my keeper is gone. I get to do what I want to do. When it's Josh and I, then I get to do half of what I want to do. But with just Laurel, then it's just Laurel time. What does Laurel want to do? Well, I know what Laurel doesn't want to do. She doesn't want to be places where there are lots of people that she doesn't like that she has to be nice to. So she won't. Laurel wants to visit her friends. So she will. Laurel wants to see pretty things, so she will look for them. Laurel wants to spend time with her family. Laurel really really misses her family and is looking forward to seeing them again.

I know that I saw lots of them over the semester, but it was their tired selves. I want to see their real selves and share joy with them. I want to get healthy inside again. I want to get centered.

I really want to connect with God. I miss him. When I actually stop and think about it, all I really want to do is just sit all day and wait for God and read his word. I could be very happy in a desert somewhere, just me and God. All you people out there are fine and glorious, I like your little imago dei's . . . but I want the real thing. I want real love, real friendship, real rest, and what is really good for me - which can only be had with God.

I want to go and sit on the coast all day, not say a word or think a thought, but just watch the waves pound.

I want to stare in a puddle all day long and get to know the shapes of the rocks at the bottom of it so that I see them when my eyes are closed.

I want to smell clean air.

I want to fast and rid myself of all extra flesh that weighs me down so that I can dance with freedom and joy.

I feel like Eustace when he is scraping off his dragon self. I feel like if I could just dig deep enough and get enough of this false crap off of me, then I could be a real human again. Real, fresh, and clean - loved by God. That's what I want. That's what I'm going to do over Christmas break. I'm going to un-mass with Christ.