well i'm a sad one

for posting too much lately. oh well. So Josh came home late today, around 8:30 because he was studying with his group for his test tomorrow. I started feeling enormously sad, and I realized that I had gotten used to him being home and I had started looking forward to seeing him every night. So sad! In some ways it was so much easier when I was callous and didn't care if I saw him or not (or at least pretended to not care. I could never quite make myself wholly believe the lie). gosh caring kills sometimes! And then I got sad because I felt as if I'm not doing anything right now. I don't have a job. I'm being laurie-me-too again like I was when I was four and riding on someone else's coat tails and not having a life of my own. It's so pathetic. I feel like I haven't done anything real yet. So Josh called me into his office (ha! literally) and asked if I was ok. I shook my head no, because I didn't want to open my mouth up and cry, and he got all concerned and said how he knows my life is hard right now and if I was upset about Kathleen. I shook my head no. He asked if I was concerned about him and if his life is putting too much pressure on me. At that point I had to laugh through my tears because he was ascribing all these noble sentiments to me, supposing that I was all full of concern for others, and I said that I was a selfish creature and was sad because I felt like I wasn't doing anything. He looked quizzically at me and then asked how I was going to feel when we had kids and I stayed home with them all day. Not what I was looking for him to say at all. That threw me off, because it is actually something that I thought a lot about today while I was hanging out with Jessica and the kids, thinking, will this be my life? And trying it on like some used shirt in a missionary basket, wondering if it was my size and color or if it was just something that I would have to make do with and live through until something better came along, like I did with so many clothes in my childhood. Am I going to have a teaching career in the Fall? Or are Josh's words going to somehow touch Fate and get me pregnant (no, I know it's not his words but his sperm that would actually do the job, but you know how it is when something is said and it seems like that words are what makes it happen) ... this is an odd place to be and I think that I am in no shape to make such big decisions right now. I think that I need to live a bit more until the stirred waters of my pond settle a bit more and I can see the rocks from the weeds.