stay with me

Just as I was about ready to turn off my car engine tonight, a song came on that stopped me. The plea of the song was to "stay with me" the song ends by saying "we'll be alright as long as you stay, I'll be alright, as long as you stay with me." This song passionately resonates with a very core part of my being. The pleas "stay with me" and "don't leave me!" have moved me to tears for years. Just the contemplation of being left and not having companionship brings a deep sorrow to the surface of my heart.

When I started dating Josh I realized that I was in love with him when I wanted him to stay. There were times when all I could do was hug him and say "don't leave me please." Because when I really love someone, all I want is for him or her to be present in my life.

The harsh reality of life, though, is that I married a man who will forever be leaving me. He takes business trips once a month, often more. The first time that we spent a night apart after our wedding was within the first two weeks. I have been bound to a man who leaves. The deepest fear of my heart has been realized. I get left.

I believe that it is through the hardest times of life that God teaches us of his love the most. In coping, dealing, and grieving this unsettling reality of my plea for him to stay being set aside for the practicality of his job, I have come to treasure more and more the one who does not leave me. Jesus once said, "I will never leave you or forsake you." Although Josh tends to think that my sorrow at being left is slightly neurotic, I believe that it is a desire that was instilled deep in my soul by the one who created me. God gave me this strong passion not to be left because he wants me to treasure the gift that he gives of himself. God will never leave me. And so even when I spend nights alone, and my arms reach to the other side of the bed and find it cold, I am aware of the presence of God and remember the one who will never leave me.

So as I sat in the driveway tonight with the radio turned up into the glorious volume where the music becomes solid and meshes with my body, I tilted my head back and sang my plea to the One who it was meant for. Stay with me. We'll be alright as long as you stay, I'll be alright as long as you stay. Stay with me.