a really good night

Josh and I went over to Dan and Katie's for supper tonight and I had a really good night. It's really unusual for me to feel comfortable with people, but Dan and Katie are just comfortable to be around a lot of the time. It was really cool listening to Dan talk about his missionary involvement and hearing some of what his life was like (and is like now) as an MK. He talked about how the year after he came to the US for college he was involved in a program that helps get MK's ready to live in the States and at that point I was listening to him and I realized that I almost started crying because it hit me how wonderful it would have been to go through a program like that. Of course, the program was for college MK's, and not 8-year-old little girls (like I was when I moved to the States) which is why I didn't go through it, but it was really odd to have such a tender spot hit when I wasn't expecting it and when I thought that I wasn't tender about that any more. It was also really cool to know that somewhere, some MKs are getting cared for in ways that they need it. I was just a kid when I came back to the US, so I suppose that in some ways my adjustment was supposedly "easier" than it would be for a newly minted adult, but it still was not (and is not) easy. I always kind of avoided the MK group at Biola because I didn't feel like an MK because I wasn't newly from another country, but hearing someone else who went through what, to be honest, sounded like a tougher experience than mine was really heartening. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. That the pain I occasionally feel now, and felt for years on end back then, is not an odd pain or hardship, but one that is to be expected when one goes through what I went through.

It was a really good night apart from that as well. We talked about a lot of things and I really enjoyed seeing Dan and Katie as a couple. I got to see Katie a bunch around ISF over the last year and a half, and it was really neat to see how she is still fully Katie around her husband and that none of her personality has to go underground in order to live peacefully with him.

On the way home Josh and I talked about what we think is appropriate behavior in groups (as a couple). Because we were looking at John and Christiane's wedding pictures I got to thinking about our wedding and how our "public" relationship has changed dramatically since then. You see, in Joshua world one always cares for the guest first and foremost because the guest is coming and going and the family members are always there to love later on, so attention is lavished on the guest. Before we got married, I was one of Josh's guests. After we got married, I was one of the family and no longer got so much attention when other people were around. At first I was really hurt by it, because I thought that Josh was just being mean. But as time went on I began to see the pattern of it all and tonight I finally asked Josh about it to confirm my theory. For once (!) Josh completely agreed with me on my theory about him, and in fact he was very proud of his actions and thinks that he is right to act how he acts. He in fact thinks that the way I was brought up to act is amazingly selfish because more affection is given to the family member, who will always be there, than is given to the guest who honors you with their presence and will soon be gone and not able to be loved on any more.

I will give you an example. At our wedding Josh and I made vows to each other. When I was making my vows I was careful to project my voice loudly so that the audience would hear, but I was looking at Josh the whole time because he was the center of my attention at the ceremony as I was pledging my life to him. When Josh was saying his vows to me, he was looking at the audience so that they would be sure to hear what he was saying because they had done him the honor of coming and it was their love and support that brought him to the stage in his life where he could be married. Yes, I was there and important to him too (because without me, as he pointed out, there would have been no wedding) but the importance of the ceremony was in honoring those who came, and not just about him and I being in love. You hopefully can see this drastic difference in what is considered important. Josh thinks that my desire to have his attention when there are other people around is selfish of me because he can love me any time and he can only love on those people right then. I see his point, and I understand that it is the culture that he was raised in, but I do not agree with it to the extent that he does. Yes, they are important, but that does not make the family member any less important or less deserving of attention. Josh, however, does not see my point as being right at all. He thinks that it is just plain wrong. Some days I really hate being married to a man who can only see his own way. It is my openness to different cultures that allowed me to stand his different views to begin with. I just wish that he could give a little as well. Does that mean that I'm going to act like his way is the only right way? By no means, and he knows that. To give him credit, he would respect me less if I always gave into him. But at the same time he likes having things his way and does not like it when I firmly disagree with him.