blue nights

do you ever stop and think about where you are in life? and what you are achieving? Have you really gotten that far? Are your accomplishments that great? does it really matter anyways? Is what you're doing really that wonderful?

i can lie awake at night and think forever. but am i really going anywhere? have i made great leaps in life? is the world different because of me? have i grown and matured? or is life just the same as ever?

i seriously want to do something that is worth doing. i want to have great things happen to me and be involved in wonders. am i going there? will my life be amazing?

although there is nothing better, at times, then to lie next to josh, hear his breathing, and be content by his side . . . will we go places? will anything great ever become of us? will he finally be satisfied in the beauty that he captures with his lense? will he be a strong man?

there are some people who seem to go and achieve greatness, and i think that i am not one of them. i feel doomed to normality and then feel guilty for feeling doomed. i am bright, i am intelligent, i am loved - does anything else really matter? and if so, what?

what if i can never be good enough? what if i will never measure up? what if, at the end of my life, i am one of those people who has stayed in the same place forever and never has done anything spectacular? or is simply living and being faithful spectacular enough?

i measure my life in coffee spoons . . .
the clock of life strikes out my doom
i hope the end is coming soon
either that, or maybe i'll bloom