so tired

and I don't think that it's because of the turkey. I actually have eaten very little turkey in the past few days. The reason being that I much prefer the stuffing!

Last week was such an emotional up and down that now I am in a sort of shock and am reverberating from the overload. Unfortunately I am still called to be social and so Josh and I leave to drive up to Visalia tomorrow to do the family Christmas party. We'll drive back down Sunday in time (Lord willing) to get to the Thanksgagely party. After which, at 8am on Monday morning, I will meet the classes that I am bound to teach next January, and then on to a normal week of school and (ACK!) final presentations, parties, and Narnia. I may not post very often in the next few weeks, so if I miss you then I am sorry.

The strangest thing of all is that I am very tired (I slept 13 hours two days ago and still needed more sleep)and I got full very very quickly. Ahh, what stress does to our bodies!

Well, I love you all! Post to you later!

One of those nights

do you ever have one of those nights when the world around you seems dim and a rare creative mood is upon you? I do. I feel that if I could just grab this moment and hold on then something grand would happen. Just like when I pray and I feel God start to move, and I wish that he would move a little stronger and be a little more present with me. this is not one of my true creative nights, but one of my wishing for creativity nights. but like all nights, and like all creativity, it cannot be forced. so I will sit and enjoy the almostness of it all. I recognize that this feeling in myself is how i feel when i am worn by too much emotion and need a break. all the same, even as I rationalize, i am romanced by the almost. so close. so very close to some elusive muse who does not wish to be caught, but only wishes to tease.

i think that in Heaven i shall ride a horse. i shall have long hair (that won't make by back too hot and won't get tangled or cover my eyes) and ride over the vast fields.

i saw Heaven once. it was at my bridal shower up in Fresno at Auntie Susie's. It was while they were praying for me, and for a brief second, only it was truly timeless, i saw us how God sees us and how we would be in Heaven. We were princesses all and the tables were decorated with beautiful flowers and linen. we were all beautiful beyond imagination, and yet still us. there were no worry lines or shadows about us, only light. we were all seated around our tables, just as we were in this physical world, only the tables were in a field with tall grasses and sweet flowers. and somewhere, very near, and everywhere, but beyond my mortal sight, there was our Father and he was happy to be at the tea party with his daughters, celebrating the love that he had given. it was a family moment. it was a family eternity. a loving Father and his beautiful daughters who he loved and lavished beauty upon. that is how God was with us there.

we lack so much in this mortal life. we really don't have eyes that see. i wish that i could see things as they really are. i want to see the true people. i want to see what God sees and envisions. what beauty we miss. what sadness sin brings to our world. what evil we have brought upon this place. i want to see it redeemed. I was to see it all restored. I want to see God's beauty.

God is a FREAK!!!

God is a freak and he is freaking me out today beyond belief!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I am still in a state of shock at the dramatic turn that my life is taking.

I prayed last night as I went to sleep, and I told God that I had no idea where my life was going in the next few years, but that I'm trusting him to take care of things. FREAK! He is a FREAK!

So this semester I feel like I am finally starting to spiritually blossom and my friendship with God is becoming just that - a friendship. I'm starting to trust him and hear from him in ways that I haven't since I was four years old. It has been an incredible heart-melting, scary, excruciatingly painful, exciting, and satisfying experience. I feel like I am coming alive. So since I was finally trying to listen to God and willing to obey him when he talked to me, a few weeks ago when I felt like he was leading me to look in the education folder on Bubbs, I obeyed him. That is where I saw the job opening at Whittier Christian.

I felt like God told me to apply. So I did. I honestly didn't think that I would get the job. I thought that God was having me apply to learn how to apply for a teaching job because I applied really poorly - I didn't know that I was supposed to turn in letters of recommendation or a resume because they didn't ask me for one. Surprise of all great surprises I got an interview. And then I found out yesterday that I got the job. They are going to pay me $6,000 to teach 2 classes of Spanish at Whittier Christian High School next Feb-beginning of June. That is how much I would make working for 6 months at ISF as a secretary.

So as of yesterday I thought, great, I will be a teacher. This will be so cool. How exciting. And then I prayed that prayer last night.

This morning I picked up my contract from Whittier Christian and then met with my academic advisor for my Masters of Education program. I am a semester ahead of where I thought I was. All I have to do is student teach, finish my thesis, pass the CSET, and take one dinky little 3 unit class and I walk. Gulp! And Whittier Christian just happens to be an accredited school. Gulp! Gulp! AAAAHHHHHHHH! God is a FREAK!

So now I am hurriedly applying for student teaching next semester. If I get in I will get PAID for 2 of my student teaching classes while earning 12 units. I will graduate and walk with a Masters and a credential in June. Then I will take that dinky little 3 unit class to finish up my work. And then I will be ready to teach a class of my own FAll of 2006.

I never could have planned for this to happen. It is such a God thing. I feel half crazed right now because I thought that I was looking at a fairly easy semester in which I would finish my thesis, have a peaceful summer, and then student teach in Fall 2006 and graduate December, probably substitute teach the spring of 2007 and have my own class the Fall of 2007. Yeah, no. My plan is out the window. God obviously is having me do something different and apparently I am going to graduate a lot sooner than I thought.

So. huh. God is freaky. When I talk to God he does stuff. When I give him my life, he takes it and does stuff with it that is way more successful than what I would have planned.

So now I wait and hear if I can still get into the student teaching program even though I am applying 1 month late. My academic advisor thinks I will. God is a freak and has much better plans than I do.

Now I wonder what things could have happened if I just started listening to him earlier. Now I know that I really should listen to him to begin with.

for Jenn

As I was driving home tonight I was praying over Jenn Snell and all that is going on with her, asking God to show me how to pray. He gave me a song.

Jesus love your children
Hold us on your knee
Wrap your arms around us
Love us tenderly

Jesus love your children
Teach us how to pray
Fill us with your Spirit
Help us on your way

Please pray with me.

kush-diri-kai-de-wa-sai

Or at least that is how my English ears hear the polite request to, "please repeat after me" in Japanese. For a long while I have been intrigued by Asians, and lately have come to be especially enthralled by the Japanese. Although I admit that I have not yet (but still hope to someday) attained a working knowledge of their language, I believe that in parts I have already attained an introspection of the spirit and love of community that I certainly did not have before I came to be intrigued by them. Although the majority of my interactions with Japanese culture have been through a mish-mosh mix of remnants of Japanese culture that have survived in the Japanese-American family of my husband, there are times that I feel I can truly understand some of the spirit of Japan that still resides the residue of actions, perspectives, and dreams that my new family holds.

I went this weekend to Las Vegas with Josh, Auntie, and Auntie's friend Mako. Auntie, or Grace as the rest of the adult world knows her, is Josh's Aunt on his Father's side. She is in her 50's (I think), is single, and as a female has the responsibility to care for her family and make the house run smoothly. Because she has no family of her own (she has no husband or children) she is responsible for helping out in her parent's house and looking after her brother's children. Although she would never think to say it in so many words, and it probably has never occurred to her to think of it, she gives generously to the family, sacrifices enormously for the family, and does all sorts of daily demanding tasks (like keeping grandpa out of trouble) that she really does not need to do. No one holds a knife to her throat. She is financially independent. All that ties her to this amazingly difficult routine of work for the family is her feelings of obligation to the family and love of the family. She will reap returns for all of her years of labor, as she cares for the family the family will care for her and I would not be surprised (in fact I would be delighted) if one day she ended up in my house and I would have the honor of caring for her as she has cared for me and the family. But what she gets in return is not her motive for giving so much.

I enjoyed my trip to Vegas tremendously, not because of Vegas, but because of the people that I went there with. Every once in a while I catch myself while I'm living my life and think, "wow. Look at where I am and who I am here with." If you had told me in high school that one day I would be driving around the streets of Las Vegas in a car with my Japanese American husband, his Japanese American aunt, and their Japanese Hawaiian American friend, and that I would be enjoying myself and not feeling awkward or out-of-place in the least, then I would have called you crazy. But there I was. And there I was at the dinner table with them, knowing that I would never be expected to pay for any of the food while I was there, with a purse filled with money from Josh's grandmother who wanted us to enjoy ourselves, being urged by Josh's aunt to please order the $35 plate of crab claws, and knowing that she was in earnest and that she really actually wanted me to buy the expensive plate because she knew that I would enjoy it! It is not the expensive food that I ate, or the money that I was given, or the free night's stay in a privately owned condo, or the incredible Celine Dion concert that I went to, or the being driven hundreds of miles somewhere and not having to pay for gas, or Auntie's urging me to go enjoy myself in a bookstore while she stood in line for the lunch buffet at the Bellagio that meant so much to me - it was the spirit of the gift that touched my heart. Where I once felt guilty for being the receiver of such grand gifts, knowing in my heart that I never deserve to have such riches given to me, I now realize that the gift is not a reflection on the receiver, but a portrait of the giver. The Bible talks about giving with a cheerful heart and I have come to realize how amazing things given with a cheerful heart are.

When I am offered something by Josh or his family I don't need to sit there and wonder, when I accept the gift, if they are going to begrudge me how much it cost or think that I am greedy for accepting. Instead I sit there and wonder at the people giving. Giving good gifts is fully in the spirit of Japan, and not something that overly occupies the minds of the average individualistic American, but giving good gifts out of a loving and generous heart shows not just the spirit of Japan, but the Spirit of God working in the hearts of his children. There are so many good things in Japanese and Japanese-American culture, but one of the things that I love most is how well parts of it are enhanced by God. God did put good things into us - and even cultures that do not honor Him still have gifts from Him - but how much more valuable and cherished these cultures are when they are grounded in the love of God! And how much more they shine and are worthwhile when the light that fills them and falls on them comes from God.

EEEEEEE!!!!

I'm so very very excited! I have an interview with Whittier Christian High School scheduled for next Thursday at 9:30 am. Please please please pray for this one! It would be so great to get this job! I'm really excited (yay! I got an interview!) and really, well, not super nervous because I know that God's will will be done, but I am very curious to see what the outcome of this interview will be. So please pray.

I'll post more about last weekend when I get more of a chance. And just because some of you asked, yes, I really did spend a lot of time with Josh up there. I just ended up walking around the lake by myself because we misplaced eachother when he took a nap and I went to a session. Overall the weekend was great and I really feel like Josh and I are growing because of it. He's such a cool guy!