fluid

The days feel like stained glass windows. Light streams every where and the trees blow so fluidly that I would believe I was watching seaweed pulled by the tide. Sunlight filters through my windows in the afternoons. It feels like a breath that I can't breathe deeply enough or a smell that I caught, that caught a memory, and I can't smell quite enough of it to remember. I am caught in a Rembrandt. Life is so beautiful that it is hard to believe.

I'm not going to teach these kids again next year. It is just too hard. I could either be a good wife, or I could be a good teacher, I cannot be both. There is a limit to the emotional energy I can bestow and I've reached it. The last few weeks I've been walking around like a broken zombie, crying (not at school) for no reason, or at least very small reasons. I cannot do it all. I can do some, but not all. And I'm terrified of being a Spanish teacher. I don't believe in myself, or my abilities. The world can tell me that I am smart, capable, and many other things, but I don't believe it. Part of why I handle these broken children so well, and pour myself out for them so eagerly, is because they remind me of me. I hope that I can save them, to somehow prove that I myself am salvageable. I see them so clearly - their pain and worries, because that's how I felt when I was their age. I never acted out on it like they do, they are almost emotional caricatures of normality, but I felt them. If they who are so broken, so hurt, and so needy can somehow be whole, pleasured, and content ... and successful ... maybe I can too. If I can see them and their needs so clearly, maybe someone can see mine. If I can see the solution for them, maybe one exists for me. But I cannot save them and maintain my sanity or health ... not them and my husband. It is too much. I cannot hold it all. I feel like I am a sword swallower, both at school and at home, only it's gone terribly wrong and the sword ripped out the back of my throat instead of traveling in and out safely. If I carry everyone else's burdens, who will care for mine? The only reason that I am feeling better is because I talked to Monica and remembered that there are people who care for me, and two of my worst students left last week - one to be with his father, and one to a mental hospital.

Today I sat in a white room with one of my students and stopped him from choking himself to death with his sweatshirt. Once I had taken that from him, he tried to use his hands instead. Even though once he passed out he would have started breathing again, I stopped him (I was scared that he would crush his throat). I grabbed his wrists and said very sternly, "I am not going to let you choke yourself. You are too precious. You are worth too much to destroy. So stop it." He did stop it, and then started crying. I patted him on the back like a baby and told him that I loved him. He disagreed, saying that no one loved him. I told him that love does what is best for the person who is being loved; it does not do what the person wants. And that by doing what was best for him, I loved him. He got really quiet after that. Later on, back in class, when I was making him take his history test and he was about to throw a fit over it, I told him that again, this is what love looks like. He finished his test and got a B on it. I think that he needs to be taught about love like a baby playing peek-a-boo ... there it is! ... there it is! ... there it is! ... there it is!

It really sucked though. Every time they scream in that piercing wail my body sends a shot of epinephrine through my veins, very much against my will. I know, mentally, that I am not in danger and that my physical body can do nothing to save them, but my body responds none-the-less. I am tired. But today was much better than last week. And the week before that.

Josh is doing well. I think. He is class sergeant this week, the doom of all academy doom, but he is doing well. I think. He looks brilliant in his uniform - all trim and healthy - and continues on successfully in his courses. He heard a very excellent speaker today on ethics ... it is the one subject that they teach him that he will not be tested on because they can't figure out how to test for ethics. Funny, that.