blackholing

Sometimes I wonder how black holes get started, and then sometimes in life I feel like I'm becoming a black hole and I can just lean back in space and feel the natural collapse of the world around me, crushing inward and inward and inward. Is the middle of a black hole a squished space, or is it just merely, finally, comfortable? Seriously, in a black hole you wouldn't have to get off your couch to get anything; it'd be right there, within arm's (or atom's) reach. The black hole: The lazy man's solution. ::giggle!::

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, probably boring for most people, but really critical for me. It's been confusing, and fairly answerless. And in some ways I wonder if I'm not depressed, but I have so much to be glad of ... anyways. There are things in life that just plain don't add up, and choices that I made maybe too eagerly in the past that must be paid for now. Too many what ifs. Sacrifices that years ago I was more than willing to make, and now that I'm actually sacrificing I realize that maybe I shouldn't have been so willing. I wonder if it's God's little joke that my mom thought of verses from Lamentations when I was being born. Is that really supposed to be my life? Is this really it? To always be in pain but hopeful? Because in some ways life is so much more than I think I deserve (in a good way), and in some ways it is painfully disappointing.

And some days, it is just enough to look at the grapes growing in my backyard, see their plump green turn into a rich burgandy under the burning sun, and know that it is good.

And then I teach everyday. And I am so filled with hope and joy for these kids. And so scared for them. What if they mess up worse than I did? But oh, what if they don't?

And some days I just want to drive off and keep driving. On the road again. Like a band of gypsy's we go down the highway. We're the best of friends, insisting that the world keep turning out way. And our way, is on the road again. But my feet are getting more and more firmly cemented into the ground, and I may never escape. I may never explore the world and look with wonder at things that so many others take for granted. Ah to be young and selfish. Do we ever out grow it?