Life

As my high school English teacher, Bruce Gevirtzman, used to say, "It's about LIFE. It's always about life." He was refering to interpreting poetry passages, but I think that he had a point. It is in all that humans write about. We can't get away from it. So since it is obviously inevitable, I will write about life tonight.

Life, for me, is going well. My marriage with Josh is feeling more balanced. I feel a sincere affection towards him on a normal basis, and not just a duty or a drag. I really like liking my husband. It is so fun to have him to look forward to at the end of each day. I really feel blessed by that. This may be maturity, or it may prove that I'm getting old, but as I start to realize that my first bloom of youth is past (and don't contest that with me! I am daily with people who are in their first bloom and I am certainly not in that category any more) and that I wll never be that young again, I am happy that I am with a man who I still care about and enjoy. We are heavier, grayer, and more wrinkled than when we first met, but we are good companions. It is strange to look at handsome fun men who, six years ago, I would have gone gaa gaa over and realize that I'm really not at all interested in them. I feel a lot more human and a lot less female these days. However, I still certainly feel female in some ways.

One way that I recently felt very female in was when I found out (yesterday?) that I beat Josh and Bernie in a handgun shooting contest. Guns are such a male thing. They are like little penises (peni?) on steroids. And yet . . . I can shoot one better than quite a few men. My friend Debbie (who used to be a cop) said that it is fairly common for women to shoot better than men because women have more patience. We discussed how women actually stop and aim before shooting, whereas men just seem to shoot where ever. Ahhh, my penis/sex metaphor holds true. Coincidence? I think not.

Teaching is going well. There are several students who I would happily smack. These students are not the disruptive ones, as you might at first guess, but the apathetic ones. There is nothing that I find more annoying than a well constructed person who is fully capable of great things, but who has resigned himself to do nothing. As Miles said, "I will beat my head against a wall. No . . . I'll beat their heads against a wall." Now all I's gots to do is find the right type of wall. With that said, I do want to add more structure to my class. If I have the right mold even jello can harden up into a real shape. You know that ugly greek character who wore a beautiful mask and his face grew into the shape of it and so he was beautiful? How do you think it would have turned out if someone had duct taped that mask to his face against his will? Would he have still turned out to be pretty?

No. I must lure them with my wily ways until they are smart enough to see what a good road it is that I'm leading them on. What interests teens? Violence, food, and sex. Food I can do (but would rather not because I am poor enough as it is). Sex is just plain out. Well, violence it is.

The other huge problem is that the first period room is arranged in these horrible straight rows. Ugh! I can't even get at my students! I can't even see all of them from any point in the room! And the teacher who occupies the room for most of the day is addicted to straight rows because he's scared of his students talking. Heaven forbid that they talk! How am I supposed to teach them to talk when the atmosphere is not conduscive to talking? All the talking opportunities it gives them is talking to the neightbor when I'm not looking, and that means in English (or Korean). I don't mind the talking, but I want a room where Spanish resounds. They can talk about their boyfriends and games all they want, as long as it is in Spanish.

With that said, my second period more than makes up for my first. Yay for precocious teenagers! I love their energy! Energy I can chanel and work with!

As the poet said, "it takes life to love life."