vacationing

As we drove to Vegas we stopped in at the world famous Mad Greek restaurant. It was pretty good. I like gyros and it was fun to go to another restaurant that Josh and I saw on the Food Network. As we left the restaurant we could see bolts of lightning in the distance, jumping from cloud to cloud. The edge of the storm looked like a black blanket rolling across the stars. The nearly full moon peeked in and out of the edges. As we pulled into Vegas big fat drops of rain hit the window shield.

Josh and I spent today running around Vegas, looking in at different hotels, playing blackjack (Josh actually walked away with $5 more than when he sat down), eating at the Wynn buffet (I'm still full), shopping (sale at Ann Taylor Loft!), and playing in the pool. It was nice just to get away. He was a little grumpy to begin with this morning, but relaxed and had fun as we visited several different gun stores around the area. We also got some really good tea. Yummy!

This is such a short trip, but I'm still really glad that we came. It's great just to be somewhere that is a good drive away from work, for the both of us.

Food for the Birds

I came home today to find a quirky surprise. The grapes that have been growing in my backyard - the luscious spheres of crimson sweetness warmed gently in the sun and swinging gracefully from swirling vines - are gone. Not quite all, but mostly. Each bunch has a good bunch missing. The culprit? Something with soft little gray feathers. I will never get to taste this year's harvest apart from the two or three grapes that I tasted to see if the bunch was right (a few days ago I decided that they could use a few more days before harvesting). But can you imagine the delight of some little bird, in the midst of a hot July day, in an area where there is almost no water, to come across such a juicy sweet treat? That must have been one happy sparrow (or several, from the amount of grapes that are gone). How glad (if they have feelings) they must have been! So in a way, I'm really not all that sad after all. At least the grapes were enjoyed and appreciated. And I still have a ton of oranges (all green right now and a little bigger than an egg) coming along right now. Those will be fun.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" ~Matt. 6:26

The Party Starts

Friday night Dee and I went to the Hollywood Bowl and heard a lot of awesome (and sometime incredibly romantic) music conducted by John Williams. It was great.

Yesterday Josh and I went to his graduation party (classmates, tactical officers, and significant others only). That was pretty fun, and gave me some insight into Josh's life. Josh spent every free minute of this last week throwing himself into creating a perfect slide show of all of the pictures of himself and his classmates going through the Academy. The show is a little over 15 minutes long. People really liked it. Last night, when we came home, he continued to work on the slide show. This morning, for several more hours, he continued to work on the slide show. I think that it's sort of his way of mourning, enjoying, and cementing memories in his head of what he's done and the people that he did it with. It struck me that he has never had a year book to commemorate his life, and this is his way of doing it. It's a very Josh way of processing his experience.

The other interesting thing about last night was that the Tac Staff were there and we got to hang out with them and talk to them like normal people. They joked about the same things that we've all been joking about these past six months. All the graduates, at various times through the night, went around and talked to the Tac Staff, Josh included. The interesting thing about Josh was that when he made the social rounds, he went around and apologized for not being better, messing up on marching, and different things that he perceived in his head as being so big and horrible that they negated all the rest of the work he did. The Tac Staff, all separately, had the exact same reaction to Josh's self bashing, they got this vague puzzled look over their faces as if they were trying to figure out what on earth Josh was talking about, and then proceeded to tell Josh that he was one of the recruits that they actually had absolutely no worries about through the whole thing. They couldn't say enough good things about him and his abilities. Sure, there were some recruits that they had been very worried about and had had to give a lot of extra attention to or kick out of the academy altogether, but Josh hadn't been on that list. In fact, the one week that they threw him in there as class sergeant was a week when they had been really busy with other things to worry about and so they threw him in there not because he needed lots of attention but because they didn't want to have to pay a lot of attention to the class sergeant that week. I only hope that Josh heard the great things that they said about him. Some waxed on eloquently too! I don't think that Josh did hear them though, he's got that idiot voice in his head that shouts that he's not perfect far more loudly than what anyone else could ever hope to shout over, even the scary loud Tac Staff. He's going to have to get over that idiot voice if he's going to be a good cop, because it's a profession where lots of mistakes, or at least gray areas, happen.

But whether Josh is mentally healthy enough to be proud of all of his hard work or not, I am proud of it. He really became more of a man these past six months and he succeeded, quite well in some areas, throughout the whole of it. I can't wait for graduation when his family gets to see how marvelous, imposing, sincere, and strong he looks when he gets his badge and is honored for all his hard work. And I sincerely pray that God will bless that night with love, forgiveness, acceptance, and commitment to this career in law enforcement as well, for both Josh and I.

It's that time of year again ...

And no, not when young men's fancy turns to love. One of my hermit crabs shed his shell. I have now seen all three of them (Rocky, Billy, and Holder) sans shell, and I'm happy (and surprised) to say that I called their sexes correctly. Rocky is a girl, and Billy and Holder are both very male. It was funny to see Billy without his shell because his back half is really a lot bigger than his front. I would never have guessed that he was so big and it suddenly explains why he keeps moving into shells that look way to big for him.

Holder (named for the fact that Matt was holding him when I bought him. By the way, BIG time congrats and blessings to Monica and Matt for getting hitched, and kudos for eloping. You lived my dream and I'm just glad that somebody I know did it!) actually had me a little worried because four days ago I saw his backside hanging _out_ of a shell that was too big for him and I thought, "oh no! Another one died. And it was one that I actually wanted to live." But when I picked up the big shell to view the remains, there was Holder, curling tightly and looking desperately for a place to hide. He actually hung out naked for a few days, which surprised me. Rocky always climbs back into her shell first thing after she sheds, but Holder didn't. Is it a guy thing to want to hang around naked? I don't know.

Billy stole Holder's old shell, though, while Holder was lounging in the nude, so Holder is now back in a shell, but not in his favorite. Billy, my shy little one who isn't as shy as he used to be, is the only one who has yet to shed since I've owned him. I wonder if there is something wrong with him (he really does have a very large backside compared to Holder and Rocky) or if he's just different?

Anywho, they are fun pets in their own ugly way.

Josh is graduating on Tuesday, and we have a ton of activities related to his graduation in the next week and a half. In the two days I have also spent over 10 hours shopping. It was very fun in parts, and also very addictive. I'm glad that yesterday I made myself spend cash so that I wouldn't keep shopping when I should really stop. If Josh doesn't like how I look at his graduation, then I think that I will smack him soundly because I haven't put this much effort into getting clothing together since the prom. (And no, I didn't even put this much effort into finding my wedding clothes, which were incredibly easy to find thank you Jessica). I really want to celebrate and make him look good. He's worked so hard at this. I'm so proud of him. He's turning more and more into a man, which is nice.

Anyways, I have to go and swim and train for my sprint tri-athelon with Katie and Dee. Yay!

Breakfast

I ate breakfast this morning. I sometimes eat something, but this morning I actually put food together and sat and ate. I have tomatoes fresh from Mom and Dad's garden with fresh mozzarella cheese, fresh basil, with salt and pepper drizzled with olive oil. It was good. It was really pretty too - all red, green, and golden yellow. Mmmm.

the beginning

I started therapy today. I'm still really slushy inside from it, but I feel cleaner and closer to God and truer than I have felt for a long long long time. Like I'm re-anchored. Hopeful. Purer, forgiven, and loved like I haven't let myself be loved by God for a long time. Repentant. Confession really is good for the soul. And God really does forgive. Please pray for Josh. He was fine with me going when we talked about it yesterday, but he's really resistant to it now. Please pray that God will change his heart and that he will support me in getting the help that I need. He could really use some allowing himself to be loved by God and therapy too. My therapist does this thing called transforming prayer, and it really works. God really works. And the Bible really is a powerful sword that slices to the heart of things. The truth found there is astounding. And truth sets us free.

Last night

Last night, from about 8:30 to 8:55 I had an epiphany of sorts. At least I think that's what it's called. And it's going to change the rest of my life forever. I haven't sorted it all out yet, but I can't stop laughing at myself. And I know, I know I know I know, finally, firmly, surely, that in the end everything in my life is going to be ok.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:22-26

And never forget that the Lord also has a sense of humor.

several titles

So, too much to write out w/different subjects, so this post has several titles

turn 25 and ya go nuts - I turned 25 last week and in my mind that is the "finally really an adult" age and so I feel like I gotta get my shtuff together, plus life events are coming to a head and i gots to deal with them all. but like mom said last night - even if you are a stable person, when your world is rocking you're going to feel off-balance. Winning expression of the day: Emotional Dizziness. Also got cool book from mom - The Dance of Anger - one thing that's cool about my mom? Even though i turned 25 and feel fairly adultish, she doesn't consider her loving done and stop trying to add good to my life.

mothering - a subject that has been freaking me out for some time (really, honestly, since I started having sex and the possibility of motherhood became a possibility, even if very distant), but more in the past months than normal. 'Specially freaked me out last night when I was SO tired and was watching my sis deal with her kids. wow. I could so not do that! Anyways, was driving home last night and started thinking about how much my folks have done for me, put in for me, worried for me, and put up with me. wow. They rock.

ipod update - ever give a kid a present and watch them play with the box instead? I got a ton of super cool presents this last birthday (thanks again guys!) My (shame facedly) favorite? The $25 gift certificate to itunes. Yes, i already spent all of it. giggle! I love music. Ya know how C. S. Lewis (Jacksie boy!) said that he reads to know that he's not alone? Same here, but music is words PLUS more and is just so much more touching me to the coreness. It's awesome. So here are the songs that I got. Ones that I want to sing to others, ones that I want to just sing, and ones that I want sung about me. ;D

Hey There Delilah (this one reminds me of my little bro and how he's gonna be sad when his gf is in Oxford next semester)
Somebody Told Me
Bye Bye (high school memories of winter came and us and our guitar!)
Don't Rock the Jukebox
Que Hago Yo? (one of my fav Spanish songs right now)
Que Hiciste (love the passion in this one!)
La Camisa Negra (awesome hip moving dance music!)
Leave the Pieces
Never Wanted Nothing More (mom, this is what you were talking about last night with the ultimate goals of life and our culture and stuff)
She's Every Woman (romantic sigh!)
Bohemian Rhapsody (gotta have some Queen)
Somebody to Love (gotta have a little more Queen and really need to buy Ella Enchanted)
Are You Gonna Be My Girl
One Step Closer (love it love it love it, good memories of riding with Rob Mann after mountain bike rides)
Time After Time ('nother romantic sigh)
One Week (undergrad at the coffee shop)
Pinch Me (undergrad road trip down to San Diego)
Don't Let Me Get Me (please please please please please!!!!)
He Mele No Lilo (love it, have not the slightest what it means)
Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride (just fun)
Island in the Sun (hip hip)
The Trouble with Love Is (so many nights watching Love Actually with Josh)
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) (great great great song, describes way too much of my life)
Shut Up and Drive (first time I heard it, was on a road trip with the fam, Dad was teasing Mom to her wits end [sigh, true love!] and she turned on the radio to this song. We all cracked up.)

finally wrote it out and slept - Finally. Have been having insomnia for a few weeks now, except the last few days when I was taking Nightquil because of my cold, but last night I didn't take drugs and I couldn't sleep again. So I finally wrote it all out and slept. Two scrambled pages of words, phrases, and arrows that I doubt anyone could really make much sense of, but it got it off my head so that my head could rest well on the pillow. I slept great last night.

last night wuz cool - it's sad really, but I forget how much I miss my family. And for about ten minutes last night I felt like we were finally how we were all supposed to be again. We were laughing and talking like old times, before us kids got married and parented and we stopped having good dinner conversations, and it was good. Sometimes it is good to know that we can still be us, even after all the changes.

From the Geography Class that I'm Teaching

"Italy is located in southern Europe, and is bored by Slovenia, Austria, Switzerland, and France."

"The islands off of Italy are Anchovy and Sardinia."

Fun times.

on the name of Ivan

Bujold had it right in her books. Ivans really are like that. I have one in my class, I love him and he drives me nuts. He is actually smart, and totally doesn't use his brain half the time. Example:

Me: Ivan, do you know that there is a book where the main character has your name?

Ivan: Really? What's his name?

pause

class laughs

Ivan: Erm, I mean ...

I love Ivans. Where would we be without them?

last thought for the night

I meant to post this a while ago, but forgot and it got buried. It's a very simple poem, maybe too simple, and with too much of an easy rhyme, but there you go.

'Though time goes swift, and time stands still
I love you now, and always will.
The sun climbs high, the sun sinks low,
The tides roll in, then ebb and go.
The mountains grumble, groan, then fall.
The tree lies low that once stood tall.
With joy and laughter, sorrow, tears,
With lifetimes long or shrinking years,
When chins are up, or heads are down,
When earning jeers or getting crowns,
When aim is true, when errant flies,
When truth is known, when steeped in lies,
Ways that are barred, doors open flung,
The still of night, songs loudly sung,
'Though time goes swift and times stands still,
I love you now and always will.

blackholing

Sometimes I wonder how black holes get started, and then sometimes in life I feel like I'm becoming a black hole and I can just lean back in space and feel the natural collapse of the world around me, crushing inward and inward and inward. Is the middle of a black hole a squished space, or is it just merely, finally, comfortable? Seriously, in a black hole you wouldn't have to get off your couch to get anything; it'd be right there, within arm's (or atom's) reach. The black hole: The lazy man's solution. ::giggle!::

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, probably boring for most people, but really critical for me. It's been confusing, and fairly answerless. And in some ways I wonder if I'm not depressed, but I have so much to be glad of ... anyways. There are things in life that just plain don't add up, and choices that I made maybe too eagerly in the past that must be paid for now. Too many what ifs. Sacrifices that years ago I was more than willing to make, and now that I'm actually sacrificing I realize that maybe I shouldn't have been so willing. I wonder if it's God's little joke that my mom thought of verses from Lamentations when I was being born. Is that really supposed to be my life? Is this really it? To always be in pain but hopeful? Because in some ways life is so much more than I think I deserve (in a good way), and in some ways it is painfully disappointing.

And some days, it is just enough to look at the grapes growing in my backyard, see their plump green turn into a rich burgandy under the burning sun, and know that it is good.

And then I teach everyday. And I am so filled with hope and joy for these kids. And so scared for them. What if they mess up worse than I did? But oh, what if they don't?

And some days I just want to drive off and keep driving. On the road again. Like a band of gypsy's we go down the highway. We're the best of friends, insisting that the world keep turning out way. And our way, is on the road again. But my feet are getting more and more firmly cemented into the ground, and I may never escape. I may never explore the world and look with wonder at things that so many others take for granted. Ah to be young and selfish. Do we ever out grow it?

Two Weeks Left

Two weeks left for Josh. It has seemed like a timeless eternity while he's been going through this academy, but the end is near, and it is really just another beginning of a sort. He is so tired though, and he won't be getting a break. That's hard. And it's odd for me because my role in the household has changed a lot because of this job of his, and I wonder if I won't change back so much to what I was before. I think that this job of his may keep me eternally looking to support him and in some ways I really like that, because spouses are supposed to support each other and so in a way this job is forcing me to do what I should have been doing all along. However, the support needs to go both ways and that is something that we will have to negotiate as time goes on.

I've been getting this science magazine and this last edition had some really cool articles in it that were amazingly fun to read. One was about how man's desire to see things has greatly affected how we do science ... how, for example, our scientists map out dark matter and make a "picture" of it - taking what, by the laws of nature, cannot be seen and forcing it to conform to an image so that we can wrap our brains around it. We do the same thing when we map out atoms - forcing an image of an electron that shows the electron in just one spot while good scientists know that one electron actually naturally exists in several physical locations at one time. And this article discussed how when we force the unseen to be seen we make it what it is not and trick ourselves and how if humans were able to just believe in things without seeing them that our understanding of the universe would be so much more accurate. Yeah, it made me think of God. It was pretty cool. gotta go teach now. yay! =)