love hopes all things, endures all things,

love never fails.

How powerful those words are to me. Every day is very very hard. Yesterday I had two fights in my class. Today two boys from another class invaded my room, threw a book a one of my boys and slapped another ... and my boys weren't behaving either. It is so hard. But love hopes all things. I hope that my boys will grow to be strong good men who serve God and love everyone. Love endures all things. I endure their tantrums, when they call me names and break property because they are mad that I make them follow the rules, and when I withhold a reward that they did not earn, or write a report (as I must do by law) when they damage property or assault another person. I endure.

And love never fails. Love never fails at what? Doing what is best for the person being loved? Does love ever fail to have an effect?

Yesterday, when it was so hard and no one was participating, and I was trying to get one of them to read their book, Co and Za were arguing, and Ju had his head down, I heard a small voice begin to haltingly read the history book. It was Is, my native Spanish-speaker, who I have been working with. And this morning, it was worth it, because Co started asking me questions about Jesus, God, Heaven, and Hell and he asked questions that I answered for 45 minutes. Even though this afternoon he went on to destroy property, disrupt my class, call a lot of people a whole slew of terrible names, and continues to be angry with me for reporting his behavior ... it was worth it. He knows that whatever he does, whatever he messes up on, that it can be forgiven by God.

Others hoped for me, endured for me, and never failed me. I will hope for these boys, endure them, and pray that I won't fail them. The worst thing, though, is when I am faced with moments that I don't know what to do. Do I insist that they work? Do I give in and let them play? I'm not good at balancing, especially these kids who are so fragile, scared, and dangerous. How do I help them to become more who God made them to be? And if they do that, I know that I cannot protect them. These kids have buried themselves in defenses against the world, and for good reason, if I open them up, am I helping them? If I teach them to be vulnerable to others, and send them home to watch their mom get beat up, or to be beat up by their mother, have I done them a favor? I need wisdom. More than I have now.

When the last thing I see as I leave for the day is my student, Je, who spent the whole day in in-house detention because yesterday he pulled open the emergency door of the bus and tried to run away because he didn't want to go home that badly, being hauled to a room to sit and wait for the police to come and arrest him because he treatened to scratch the principal's car and he repeatedly hit, kicked, and bit staff members at the school ... when that happens, what does love look like? Punishing him for his bad behavior, encouraging him to do what is best in the future ... I think that the school psychologist had it right. As he screamed and lashed out, "I don't care! I don't care!" as they dragged him away she yelled back, "yes you do!" He spent his whole self screaming back, "No I don't! No I don't! I don't care!" she followed him saying, "then I'll care for you." And with that the doors closed and they were gone.

into week six

Josh had a really great day today! He got to shot his gun, which was very fun for him. He had no p.t. punishment and got no RIR's. That meant when he got home he got to study for his next big test on Wednesday. yay! It is kind of sad though, since he came home at 5 I have not rested because I've been doing housework and chores. So on top of my 7:30am-3:30pm day, I got to work another four hours. Golly, I need more time to lesson prep! But Josh is doing well.

He and I got to go to visit my family for the first time (together) this weekend since he started the academy and my folks noticed a marked difference. He's chatty! He's friendly! He's more himself than he ever was before. Yup! He sure is. Mom and Dad Y- you'll appreciate this - he doesn't get upset and frustrated with Gi-chan any more! He's patient, kind, caring, and helpful. He cheerfully will get up and fiddle with things or listen to Gi-chans stories. I bet that you've never seen your son do that before!

I have realized, once more today, why my Starbuck's name is really necessary. I gave them my real name and stood there waiting while my order was up under the name of "Flor." right. I am sure that that is not how I pronounce my TWO syllable name. Yeah, I'm going back to Julie. Everyone knows the name Julie.

School today was neat. Really starting to settle in and settle down. I'm getting to know the kids better (both through personal interaction and from starting to read through their cum folders and talk to the school psychologist). Really interesting people! I'm going to start them on Plato's Republic tomorrow. I know that that is supposed to be a really hard college text book ... but I don't think that it is. The point of Plato is that he lays everything out neatly enough that the average man was able to understand it. At least that is what I get when I read him. And my kids could really use some help learning to think things through logically ... especially things like right, wrong, and why it is important to have consideration for your fellow man.

OH, hee hee, and guess what I looked up over the weekend? The California State Standards for the sixth grade. And guess what they specifically state that I am supposed to teach my children? I am supposed to teach them about Judaism - the first monotheistic religion, about their Slavery in Egypt, about their Exodus, about all the important Old Testament figures, (Moses, Naomi, Elijah, etc) and about the prophecies of the Messiah and how those lead to the Christian religion and Jesus Christ as the fulfillment of those prophecies. LOL. I just can't help but laughing at that. Don'cha just love studying those ancient world cultures? I sure do, especially when studying them leads me to know a guy named Jesus who died for the sins of the world. Wow, Jessica really was right in high school - public school really is a government paid witnessing opportunity. Yup, I will follow those State Standards to the letter...

The odd realization, since I've been subbing at this school, has been slowly coming over me that I am really very very educated. I always thought that what I know is just normal and expected and run-of-the-mill because for years I have been surrounded by other people with exactly the same amount (if not more) education than I have. Yeah, that's really not the majority of people. I really am a lot more educated than a lot of the people even at work. Fellow teachers (and the principal) raise their eyebrows in impressed ways when I respond to their question of exactly what do I have my degree in? The school psychologist (a very pretty, kind blond lady who swears that she is about to turn forty but looks late twenties) thinks that my thesis sounds more like a dissertation and wanted to know if I had ever considered studying psychology. And my classroom aids learn from me when they stay in my class ... things that I would have considered common knowledge and expected them to know already. I really do write better than a lot of people, understand more subjects, and have a natural gifting for working with these kids. It is an odd feeling, and not necessarily a pleasant one. I really liked it when I wasn't that different or impressive, and part of me really wants to help everyone else know just as much (and hopefully more) than I do, if for no other reason then I won't stick out when people ask me about my education. Is that so odd? In some ways I spend time trying to look less impressive than I think that I really am ... and when I mess up visibly in front of others I'm happy because maybe they won't think so much of me in the future and they know that I know that I'm not perfect and that I don't think I'm all that. It's just odd. I think that I understand why Dad Y. doesn't insist on people calling him doctor, even though he has a doctorate. Mom and Dad B. don't really stick out as much though, because all their co-workers are doctors too, so maybe it's not so bad for them.

In P.E. today I played basketball for a while with the boys ... in my black pin-striped suit. I really need to remember to bring different clothes for that! Some of the other boys were hanging out at the picnic tables not playing, so I talked to them as well and they were doing magic tricks. The trick is that you ask a person three questions. After every question you ask you write down the answer "psychically" knowing what they are going to say, and then after you write down the answer, crumble it in a ball, and hand to the person answering for them to hold, they say their answer to the question and then you write that down on a different piece of paper left on the table, face up, to be compared with the other answers at the end of the questioning. I figured out the trick to it. Here's how you do it

1. Ask question. Ex: What is your favorite animal? But write down a probably answer for the last question you are going to write, say, black, and give it to them to hold.
2. Find out their answer to the first question, say dog, and write that down on the paper that everyone can see.
3. Ask the second question. Ex: Where do you like to go for vacations? Write down their answer to the first question, dog, and give it to them to hold.
4. Find out their answer to the second question, say the mountains, write that down on the piece of paper that everyone is able to see.
5. Ask them the last question. Ex: What is your favorite color? Since they are already holding the that you guessed to that, black, write down the answer to their last question, the mountains, and give it to them to hold. They now have three papers in their hands reading, "Black" "Dog" "The mountains" and two of these are for sure the correct answer.
6. Get their final answer from them, say green, and tell them that you bet you got at least two of the answers correct.
7. Have them unroll the papers from their hands and "match" them up to the others answers and see them start to get freaked out that you were able to "guess" so much about them.

After they did it to me, and I figured out what they were doing (only the kid doing it, my "husband" knew how to do it) I said that I knew how to do it too. He didn't think that I knew, so I proved it to him. Only I had a really lucky guess on the other kid's answer and so I ended up getting all three answers right. They were all really impressed, especially because I got all three right instead of just two like the other kid did. They asked how I did it ... I told them that there is a trick to it and that I'm also just good at guessing. (But if someone asked you what your favorite animal was, nine out of ten times you'll say "dog" so I guess that I'm not really lucky, but I know what popular animals in our culture are). Yeah, it was fun seeing them get a little freaked out, and the kid who knew the trick was really impressed that I figured it out.

oh, and i forgot

my boy (the son of the hooker) told me today that he is giving up cussing for Lent. How cool is that? We got to have a talk about Lent and Christianity in class today too (mainly the difference between Protestants and Catholics). tee hee!

my karate/juijitsu works

I found this out today because I broke up two fights. They really weren't that bad, in that the kids are just a little taller than my waist, and by the end of the day they were all playing together again. So yeah, I really can block punches effectively. (Someone should tell Father David that sparring with little kids in class really did help in knowing how to gently handle these little angry souls.) I got to thinking too ... cats are going to scratch things, so we give them scratching posts. These kids are going to punch things (walls, windows, desks, chairs, doors, each other), so why aren't we giving them something appropriate to hit when they are angry? A safe way to get their anger out. I think that it would be really cool to bring my wavemaster (a standing punching bag) to class and let the kids whack at that when they lose it instead of damaging each other and property. I wonder if the school psychologist would let me bring it in?

Oh, and miracle of miracles today - my kids were quiet for half an hour. I read to them about Prometheus while they watched the hermit crabs and colored hermit crab coloring pages. They really like the Greek myths. I read them King Midas this morning too. They also adore the hermit crabs. They want me to keep them in the class. I told them, instead, that if I stay on as a long-term sub (which is looking pretty certain) that I'll buy them two hermit crabs to keep in class and they can name them. The kids also decided that they want me to stay.

This morning was really rough because the other middle school teacher had a conference for the first two hours, so I had all the middle schoolers in my class this morning. I think that I managed to teach math and language arts to about half of them. Uber super props to Dee too for her amazingly awesome idea of teaching them about pi, diameters, and circumferences using pieces of string. The kids LOVED it and were amazed when all the circumferences of the circles divided by the diameters equaled around 3.14. Finally one kid exclaimed, "Hey! That's pi!" I love that kid! Too bad he was just visiting from the other class ...

Also, I'm going to start teaching them Spanish on Monday. My little guy who is at a 2nd grade reading level is a native Spanish speaker. I asked him (in Spanish) if he wanted me to teach him how to read in Spanish too and he opened his wide soft brown eyes at me and whispered, "¡Sí Señora!" I think that I want to test this theory that if kids are taught how to read in their native language that reading will transfer well into their second languages. Seriously, that would totally explain why he has trouble reading in English - he never has learned how to read in the language of his heart -Spanish.

Josh had a good day today. Much less tiring than yesterday. And hey, it's the weekend! He can relax now!

one last story

I feel that if I get this out on the blog that I won't have to think about it any more tonight and then I'll be able to sleep. Does that ever happen to you? When the events of the day just turn over and over in your mind and you can't sleep?

My middle school kids have P.E. at the end of every day with the high school kids at this school. It's really cool to watch this because even though this kids are wild and crazy, the older ones play really really well with the younger ones. One of the high school boys has, I'm pretty sure, a bit of a crush on me. He calls me "wifey" even though I've explained really carefully about my awesome _real_ husband. The other kids even ask me where my husband is, and when I say, "at work being a cop" they say, "no, I mean that kid ..."

Anyways, we were all playing capture the flag today and this kid walks over to me and talks to me, which is fine. And he says, "what would your husband do if I called you on a date? Would he shoot me?" And I said, "No. He wouldn't do that." Kiddy-boy looks disappointed and asks, "so he wouldn't shoot me in the shoulder?" And I said, "No, he wouldn't shoot you in the shoulder." Kiddy-boy thinks about it and says, "What if I wanted him to shoot me in the shoulder?" And I said, "No, he still wouldn't shoot you in the shoulder." pause. "Why do you want him to shoot you in the shoulder?" Kiddy-boy, "Because if a cop shoots me in the shoulder then I would be cool." Me, "What?" Kiddy-boy, "If I pointed a gun at a cop then he'd shoot me in the shoulder and I'd be cool." Me, "No, if you pointed a gun at a cop he wouldn't shoot you in the shoulder, he would shoot you dead." Kiddy-boy looks honestly shocked. "What?" Me, "If you point a gun at a cop then it is his job to shoot you dead. He's not going to shoot you in the shoulder." Kiddy-boy, "Really?" Me, "Really. You will be dead, not cool." He thinks about it. Kiddy-boy, "Well, what if you asked your husband just to shoot me in the shoulder." Me, "He wouldn't do it. If you point a gun at someone the cop will shoot you dead, so don't point guns at people." Kiddy-boy, looking as if he learned something new and interesting, "Oooooh." All of this was a very casual conversation. It only struck me later that maybe I have helped keep him from pointing guns at people and getting into situations involving death. It was odd, he honestly didn't seem to know that a cop would try to kill him for it, but now he does. I also have a student who doesn't know a lot of normal things, like what vasaline is. Wierd.

lent?

This year I thought that for lent I would work on getting Josh through the academy. It wouldn't really be taking on anything more, but then I'm already doing so much, right?

Today was a lot better, subbing the emotionally disturbed kids I mean. No one climbed on the cabinets, although one spent 5 minutes in a cabinet, and most of them did some work most of the time. There was no real curriculum, so I made up worksheets last night and will have to do the same thing again tonight.

I got to know the kids a bit more today too. Some are in foster care, some aren't, and one is from a really rich home. One is on probation for breaking and entering. The one who had such foul things to say yesterday, well, his mom is a prostitute and that's where he learned those horrible things. Some are addicted to drugs (although not currently allowed to use) and all of them go to this school that looks very reminisant of a jail with tall bars around it and white hallways. This school is the middle step between Juvie and normal school. Some are coming up from Juvie, and some are on their way down. They are still emotionally disturbed, and I was warned in the teacher's lounge today to make sure that they don't steal my stuff or pinch my bottom (apparently they do these things) ... but they're just 11 and 13 year-old-boys. They're kids.

Moreover, they are kids with very unstable lives. And their lives just got more unstable when their last teacher got fired. (Teachers are not allowed to touch the students, and this teacher was playing tackle football with them after he had been told not to do so). Today was better, I think, just because it wasn't my first day there. I came back, which shocked everyone, and the kids respond to an adult, any adult, sticking around in their lives. No one sticks around for them.

I've also come to really value IEP's! I have a student and part of his IEP is that whenever he gets too mad he can walk out to the left of the classroom and stand in the hall until he cools down. And for him, that is a REALLY good IEP.

Anyways, we were talking about Lent. I think that I'm going to stick around these kids for forty days. I think that these are kids that Jesus cares about and these kids have no one else to love them. Jesus gave up his life for these kids. I can give up a few days for them as well. The principal is thrilled that I came back a second day and she said that I'm welcome to come back and sub them until I decide not to. So tomorrow I'm going to go back again. Hopefully the principal and the other middle school teacher will be able to find teacher's books in the subjects. Hopefully we'll find the students some books too. Because they were so good with the one hermit crab today, I think that I'll bring in some more and we'll study hermit crabs a little more in depth (until I can find their science curriculum).

One of my boys is at a second grade reading level. I asked him if he wanted me to teach him to read. He said yes, so I think that I will.

Josh is doing well, I think. He is tired though. They got a lot of physical discipline and they lost another class sergeant again too. So they're done to 59 people. Josh is really tired! Josh passed both the test yesterday and the test today - so that's really really good. He only got 1 RIR today too. I think that he had a decent day. Well, I'm going to go and change his laundry and see what else I can do for him. love ya'll!

ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi yi

Ok, when the lady at the sub desk asks you repeatedly, "are you tough?" that's not the best indication of a good day to come . . . it actually wasn't that bad though, all things told. Today I subbed a middle school class of 5 kids who are emotionally disturbed. They all liked to yell out at various times, usually disgusting phrases. Several of them spent a large part of the day on top of the cabinets (over 6 feet high) and by the end of the day one had had a fight, a different one had gotten suspended, and only two of them managed to get their work done. I have never spoken so softly and gently for so long! (I can't even joke with them!!! They lose it!)

So, yeah, I'm going to be there tomorrow and Friday as well. I think that I'll learn a lot from this experience. Oh yeah, and I thought that I had done a horrible job (see the kids on the cabinets, fighting, suspension bit) but actually the principal was just pleased that I lasted the day. Apparently most subs are gone before lunch. so, yay? I survive when others don't. Maybe I'm dumb?

tomorrow I'm going to bring my hermit crabs and see if I can distract them into being good. Oh, and there aren't any lesson plans for the rest of the week either, so I have to go and start making worksheets. They are going to learn about pronouns, hermit crabs, the Romans, and how to find area, circumference, and perimeters of various shapes. Think that I'll survive?

into the eye of week five

So, things that they never told us about before Josh started the academy ... hair splinters. I know that you normally get splinters from things like wood, but you can (most unfortunately) get them from hair too. So every weekend when I shave Josh's hair for the week, the next day I inevitably wake up to find little slivers of his hair (no matter how well I wash afterwards) causing red irritation just underneath the surface of my skin. He has sharp hair! (I can already hear Dad's puns about the effects of Josh looking sharp or something to that effect ... consider this a pre-emptive groan!)

Josh turned in his position as squad leader today and didn't get any new position. Yay! It's always good to be out of the spotlight. He only got 1 RIR today and got two kick backs. They had a blood drive today so he didn't have P.T. either, double yay. (And because he is at the end of the line, they never got to him to take his blood, triple yay, now he won't be light-headed tomorrow). The only hard thing about today for him was his test. Please pray that he passed it! He really didn't feel super good about it. And if he didn't pass, please pray that he passes it next time and doesn't get kicked out of the academy. (I doubt that he would fail it a second time, and hope that he didn't fail the first, but just to make sure ...)

Anyways, I'm doing well and turned in my application to sub at LMHS today. I'm really looking forward to that. It'll be cool to go there again and get to help out and see what's become of everything. Oh, another fun thing is that Josh has been getting enough sleep recently so that instead of having to remind him to have sex he's actually initiating again. Yay! Sex is back to normal (well, actually better than normal lately, have I told you how slim and sexy he is?) Very good stuff. Also, subbing has given me some cool ideas about different ways to present material in Spanish classes (once I get to teach Spanish again). I tell you, those younger classes have a lot better teaching methods than high school in some ways. Who decided that high school should be all boring stuff anyways? Not fair!

The only real bummer about today was that I didn't go shopping with Mom because Josh and I went together yesterday because he had the day off. We get really different things when he shops than we do when I shop. (Car waxing and cleaning kit? huh.) Well, I'm going to go and eat the supper that I cooked and then go do my evening chores. Love ya'll!

Eww ...

Sometimes success is just a little yucky. After catching quite a few neighborhood cats in our trap (which even if they were digging through our garbage, we couldn't kill them) we finally caught a possum. Eww. It's gross. It has those nasty ugly eyes and pointy teeth and ratted up fur. So sick! The less of those in the world the better. But still ... ewwwww.

argh

nothing can put me in a foul mood faster than money issues, forms, and being put on hold for over ten minutes! I suppose that it is my fault for not opening my mail for three months, I finally got around to clearing out my office today, and I was somewhat perturbed to find letters from Sallie Mae saying that I was several months over due in my educational loan payments when I only graduated in December and wasn't supposed to have to pay them for six months! I am thankful that they lent me the money for my program, but my the operator was cold until I explained to her that according to the conditions of the loan I really wasn't over due at all, and in fact wasn't due until May. She then became very helpful and checked into it and then assured me that she put a note in my account to fix it. I am determined to pay off that horrible loan as fast as I can now. I hate being in debt to people who can't keep track of their records properly and am really angered by being accused of being irresponsible in paying back my debt. grr. what wouldn't I give to be able to pay them all off now at once and be done with the whole thing!

"sir, request permission to quit sir"

Not Josh, but two class sergeants two days in a row have given up. The class that three and a half weeks ago started out 74 strong is now down to 60 ... and Josh is still in that 60, hanging strong. (Mom and Dad Y, be proud of your son!) His friend got appointed as the new class sergeant, Toderoff, so pray for her. She's in his circle of friends who he is sure is going to make it all the way. It would really shake him up if one of them didn't make it, so pray them through too please. Josh thinks that they picked her to be class sergeant for the rest of the week because they were tired of screw-ups and wanted someone who wouldn't quit. She really knows her stuff, which means during inspection tomorrow they will be well-led enough to open their ranks and get individually inspected, which means that tomorrow Josh will probably come home with several R. I. R.'s. However today he did not. He did not even get physical discipline today (other than what the whole class earned) so thanks for the prayers - they worked! Please keep praying!

Since he didn't have R. I. R.'s to write, he ate his supper (Josh would roll his eyes and say, "dinner!" at this point, but it's not his blog is it?) at the kitchen table with me and we talked some before he started studying. (The dear boy managed to get tomato sauce on his notebook before I had cleared the table). So we actually had Valentine's Day supper together.

Also tonight Investigator Washington, the one who investigated him before he was accepted, called him to see how he is doing. It was funny because I didn't know who he was talking to. At first I thought that he was joking with one of his friends because he kept saying, "Sir no sir" and "Sir yes sir" and "Sir I'm doing well thank you sir." ::grin:: It was kind of funny. He's stands and sits straighter too now. Nice, tall, full of muscle, and sure of himself. No slumping at all, very sexy.

Oh, and the mystery of my upset stomach is solved. While Josh was finishing up his supper I started making him guacamole for his lunch tomorrow. I usually put avocados in his sandwich, but he wanted them differently and thus the guacamole. I've been the only one eating guacamole. So there he was, sitting, half watching me and half studying. I went into the pantry to pull out the lemon juice to put in the guacamole, and as I poured it on (from my 1.5 quart bottle that I bought in a 2-pack from Costco) he asked, "Aren't you supposed to refrigerate that after opening?" I looked at the bottle, and sure enough! You are! I looked more closely at the bottle and realized that it had brown clumps, probably of bacteria, floating in it. As I dumped it out I noticed that it was not the pleasing yellow it should be, but a definite brown. Eeew. Yeah, I've been eating that. Thank you LORD that he caught it before I gave it to him to eat! It really would not have been good for him to have an upset stomach! He looked at the bottle, and the expiration date was May 31, 2005. So, umm, it had been opened, unrefrigerated, and past expiration for more than a year. Nice. I threw away the other bottle too, and the avocado that I had dumped the stuff onto and I started fresh for his guacamole, making it with a _real_ lemon the second time around. It's always nice to have a mystery solved, and I am so glad that we caught it before he ate it! That would have been just horrible!

So, as you see, God is having mercy on us. May he be having mercy on you too!

current events

Well, I have to say that my children are doomed because neither of their parents can spell. I gave Josh and mock spelling test last night to get ready for his real on Friday and he didn't do so well, although he did know how to spell words that I don't, and I know how to spell words that he doesn't, so maybe if you put those two together then our kid won't turn out so badly. (Although according to a Punit square there is only a 1/4 chance of that. There is also a 1/4 chance that our child would spell all the words incorrectly. Hmm. No so good, that).

Please do pray for Josh. He strained his quad yesterday when they ran sprints because he didn't get a chance to warm up. He has also been made the leader of the Alpha squad, which is a more prominit position than his last squad leader assignment and so he will be more in the limelite and more likely to get caught messing up, that means more physical discipline and written discipline for him.

Yesterday was my first day subbing and it went well enough, although I never quite pictured myself subbing a middle school band class ... but it went well enough. I think that I really don't want to be a middle school teacher though. Too many inbetween stages of development! What a bunch of monkeys those kids are, some fun and some wearing. Today I took the day off subbing because my stomach is a little upset and I have housework to do. OH, btw happy Valentine's Day everyone! Well, I'm off, may you be well!

what i've done today so far

I feel great. Today I rode my bike from Montebello, down through Brea, all the way to Diamond Bar and back. 43 miles total. The middle 21 miles I rode with my friend Katie (go Katie go!) but the beginning and ending 11 miles I rode all on my lonesome, and I must confess that I loved it! It really gave me a feeling of power and ability. I didn’t have my dad or husband along and it was really cool to prove to myself that I could do it by myself. I had stuff to fix a flat (which thank the Lord I never had to use) and I totally rode the streets … just me and the cars flying by my elbow.

It was always nice to have the company, but always having one of the guys there with me made me wonder if I could do it on my own. I never had to change one of my own flats or pick the best line in the road because I had them to do it for me. I love having the confidence knowing that I can do it on my own. Today the sport of cycling has become mine, and not just something that I do. Knowing that I can do it on my own really adds an enjoyment factor to it. I can enjoy it by myself or with people. I don’t have to wait for others to have fun riding. I can go on my own.

I also discovered that I don’t like wearing sunglasses when I ride my bike. I’ve never really like wearing them. They always pinch between my ears and my helmet. But I’ve always been told (and supposed) that without them I would get a load of dust in my eyes and have really dirty irritating contacts. But because I rode on my own today, and no one was there to chide me and tell me that I should wear sunglasses, I didn’t. And guess what? I didn’t have one problem with getting dust in my eye. I didn’t have to stop and wash my contacts one single time, and there were some dusty places on that Brea Canyon Road! Yes I got wind in my eyes, but not worse than when I do wear sunglasses. And I see a LOT better and can steer out of cracks more efficiently (and avoid the cracks to begin with) because I could see.

I was also reminded today of what an adrenaline junkie I really truly am. The last 11 miles of tight streets with no bike lane had my adrenal glands pumping – let me tell you! For those of you who have ridden with me before and know how I ride, let me tell you that the last 11 miles I went an average of 20 miles an hour and BOY was it FUN!!!!!

So, a lot of self discovery today and man I’m tired … and hungry! I love eating when I’m hungry! Yay food!!! Thank you God for food. Amen.

got a job

of sorts. I start my temporary subbing job on Tuesday. Yes. I am a substitute Spanish teacher. Just call me Peggy Hill. Golly, I'm even from Texas (sort of). Well, my husband's coming home so I should get going. Love ya'll!

well i'm a sad one

for posting too much lately. oh well. So Josh came home late today, around 8:30 because he was studying with his group for his test tomorrow. I started feeling enormously sad, and I realized that I had gotten used to him being home and I had started looking forward to seeing him every night. So sad! In some ways it was so much easier when I was callous and didn't care if I saw him or not (or at least pretended to not care. I could never quite make myself wholly believe the lie). gosh caring kills sometimes! And then I got sad because I felt as if I'm not doing anything right now. I don't have a job. I'm being laurie-me-too again like I was when I was four and riding on someone else's coat tails and not having a life of my own. It's so pathetic. I feel like I haven't done anything real yet. So Josh called me into his office (ha! literally) and asked if I was ok. I shook my head no, because I didn't want to open my mouth up and cry, and he got all concerned and said how he knows my life is hard right now and if I was upset about Kathleen. I shook my head no. He asked if I was concerned about him and if his life is putting too much pressure on me. At that point I had to laugh through my tears because he was ascribing all these noble sentiments to me, supposing that I was all full of concern for others, and I said that I was a selfish creature and was sad because I felt like I wasn't doing anything. He looked quizzically at me and then asked how I was going to feel when we had kids and I stayed home with them all day. Not what I was looking for him to say at all. That threw me off, because it is actually something that I thought a lot about today while I was hanging out with Jessica and the kids, thinking, will this be my life? And trying it on like some used shirt in a missionary basket, wondering if it was my size and color or if it was just something that I would have to make do with and live through until something better came along, like I did with so many clothes in my childhood. Am I going to have a teaching career in the Fall? Or are Josh's words going to somehow touch Fate and get me pregnant (no, I know it's not his words but his sperm that would actually do the job, but you know how it is when something is said and it seems like that words are what makes it happen) ... this is an odd place to be and I think that I am in no shape to make such big decisions right now. I think that I need to live a bit more until the stirred waters of my pond settle a bit more and I can see the rocks from the weeds.

my new home?

yeah, so they finally forced me to switch over to the new version of blogger. So here I be. golly but I could really go for some princess bride right now. hmm. or a nap. so for those of you not on myspace, here are all my latest pics of my life in the last month. yay! And just for fun, pics of Josh on his first day at the academy - proof the impossible, my husband up and dressed before 4:30 am!

those guys!

So funny joke - word got around to the recruits that the official list of spelling words that they are getting tested on on Friday has several words in there spelled incorrectly and they had better catch them or suffer the consequences of not passing their spelling test (wearing a book on a lanyard around their neck for the whole day for at least two weeks until the next spelling test). So I retyped them all for Josh on WORD so that I could spell check them (since my sense of spelling is not so bueno). Yeah. All of them were spelled correctly. I think that it is a rather funny joke - if a little mean for the guys who are overloaded and don't have a wife to check these things for them. So here is the official list of spelling words, spelled correctly (oh my Father, you are vindicated for all those hours of torture after school in third and fourth grade where you made me copy my spelling words over and *gasp!* made me spell them correctly each time!)Please enjoy them with great ABANDONED ... hee hee hee

ABANDONED
ABDUCTION
ABSOLUTE
ACCELERATE
ACCESSORY
ACCIDENTAL
ACCOMPLICE
ACETYLENE
ACHIEVEMENT
ACQUAINTANCE
ADDICTED
ADEQUATE
ADJACENT
ADJUSTABLE
ADMINISTRATIVE
ADMISSIBLE
ADMONISH
AFFIDAVIT
AFRAID
AGENCY
AGGRESSOR
ALCOHOL
ALIAS
ATTACK
ATTEMPT
AUTHORIZE
AUTOMATIC
AVENUE
BARBITURATE
BARREL
BARRICADE
BATON
BECAUSE
BEHAVIOR
BELLIGERENT
BENEFICIAL
BEVERAGE
BICYCLE
BINOCULARS
BOISTEROUS
BOULEVARD
BRUISE
BUREAU
BURGLARY
CALENDAR
CALIBER
COMPLAINT
COMPLETED
CONCENTRATION
CONDEMN
CONDITION
CONFESSION
CONSPIRACY
CONSTABLE
CONSTITUTION
CONVENIENCE
CONVULSION
CORROBORATE
COUNTERFEIT
CRUELTY
CRUISING
CYLINDER
DANGEROUS
DAUGHTER
DEADLY
DECEASED
DEFECATE
DEFENSE
DELIBERATE

ALIBI
ALLEY
AMATEUR
AMBULANCE
AMMUNITION
AMNESIA
AMPHETAMINE
AMUSEMENT
ANALYSIS
ANTAGONIZE
APOLOGIZE
APPEARANCE
APPROXIMATELY
ARGUMENT
ARRESTED
ARRIVAL
ARSENAL
ARSENAL
ARTIFICIAL
ASPIRIN
ASSAULT
ASSISTANCE
EMBEZZLEMENT
EMERGENCY
ENFORCEMENT
ENVIRONMENT
CAPTURE
CARBURETOR
CASHIER
CASUALTY
CEMETERY
CERTIFICATE
CHAUFFEUR
CHEVROLET
CHILDREN
CHRYSLER
CITIZEN
CIVIL
CLIENTELE
COERCION
COINCIDENCE
COLLABORATE
COLLIDE
COLLISION
COMMAND
COMMERCIAL
COMMUNICATE
COMPETENT
KNIFE
KNUCKLES
LABORATORY
LACERATION
DEMONSTRATION
DEPARTMENTAL
DESCEND
DESCRIPTION
DETAILS
DETAINED
DETRIMENTAL
DEXEDRINE
DIAGRAM
DIAMOND DILATED
DIMENSION
DISARRANGED
DISCREPANCY
DISEASE
DISPATCHED
DISPERSE
DISTRICT
DOUBTFUL
DUPLICATE
ELIGIBLE
EMBARRASS
PERSONNEL
PERSPIRATION
PERVERSION
PHYSICAL

EQUIPMENT
ESTABLISH
EVIDENCE
EXAGGERATE
EXCEPTION
EXHAUSTED
EXHIBITION
EXTORTION
FAMILIAR
FICTITIOUS
FINGERPRINT
FORCIBLE
FOREIGN
FORGERY
FOUND
FRACTURE
FRAUDULENT
GAUGE
GENERATOR
GOVERNMENT
GUARDIAN
HABITS
HALLUCINATION
HANDKERCHIEF
HEIGHT
HEROIN
LANGUAGE
LEGITIMATE
LEISURE
LICENSE
LIEUTENANT
LIFEGUARD
LIQUOR
MACHETE
MAINTAIN
MAINTENANCE
MALICIOUS
MANEUVER
MANNEQUIN
MANSLAUGHTER
MARTIAL
MATERIAL
MEASUREMENT
MILLIMETER
MISCHIEF
MISDEMEANOR
MODEL
MUSTACHE
MUTUAL
NECESSITY
NEGLIGENCE
NEITHER
PISTOL
PORNOGRAPHIC
POSSESSION
POSSIBLE
PRESENCE
PRISONER
PRIVATE
PROCESS
PROFESSIONAL
PROHIBITED
PROPERTY
PROSECUTION
PROSTITUTION
PUNITIVE
PURSUIT
QUARANTINE
QUARREL
QUESTION
QUESTIONING
QUIET
RACIAL
RECKLESS
RECOGNIZE
RECOMMEND
REFERRED
RELEASE
HYDRAULIC
IDENTIFICATION
ILLEGITIMATE
IMMEDIATELY
IMPORTANT
INCOHERENT
INCONSISTENT
INCORRIGIBLE
INDECENT
INFORMANT
INFORMATION
INNOCENT
INTELLIGENCE
INTERROGATE
INTERSECTION
INTERVIEW
INTOXICATION
INVESTIGATE
IRRELEVANT
JEOPARDY
JEWELRY
SUSPICIOUS
TATTOO
TECHNIQUE
TELEVISION
NOTICEABLE
OBNOXIOUS
OBSCURE
OBSTACLE
OCCASION
OCCURRENCE
OFFENSE
OFFENSIVE
OFFICER
OFFICIAL
OPERATION
OPERATOR
OPPORTUNITY
PARALLELED
PARAPHERNALIA
PARTIALLY
PARTICIPATE
PEDESTRIAN
PENITENTIARY
PERIMETER
PERMANENT
TRANSMIT
TRANSPORT
TRESPASSING
TROUBLE
RESISTANCE
RESTAURANT
REVOKED
REVOLVER
SCENE
SCISSORS
SEARCH
SEIZE
SELECTIVE
SEPARATED
SERGEANT
SILHOUETTE
SIMILAR
SITUATION
SOLICITOR
SPANISH
SPECIMEN
STANDARD
SUBTLE
SUICIDE
SURRENDER
VEHICLE
VIAL
VICIOUS
VIETNAMESE

TOBACCO
TOURNIQUET
TRAFFIC
TRANSACTION
TRANSLATOR
UNCONSCIOUS
UNDERSTAND
UNIFORM
UNIQUE
URINATE
VIOLATION
VISIBLE
WAIVER
WATCHED
WEIGHT
WITNESS

es probable que lo merezco pero no lo quiero por eso me voy

A line from one of my new favorite songs. I've gotta say that Julieta Venegas is just a kick butt artist, even if I don't entirely agree with the sentiments of her lyrics (although I like the line above a lot). Another good group I fell in love with this week? Mana. Very cool cool group!

This week is going well. Josh has gotten six hours of sleep two nights in a row. Yay! He is really soldiering through this one.

Today I picked up the last letters of recommendations that I need and so I've started applying places as a sub and then, come March, I'll probably start applying to places full time for the Fall. It was neat to go back this week though and see some of my classes and Jess and Kristie, even briefly. I really love them and I'm so sad that I don't get to see all of them again. They are all such precious people and my heart truly aches to be done with them. It's so so so hard to have just barely gotten to know people and then have to say good-bye again so quickly. I can see why some people who move around a lot stop making friends, because it really does hurt to say good-bye. But I think that the joy of loving them is worth the pain of leaving them, so even though I'm really sad I think that I will always try to build good happy relationships where ever I go. That's the one cool thing about life - there really are good people everywhere. The world has no shortage of them. So where ever I go I know that I will never want for friends. It's just hard leaving them once I have them.

Well, thank God that not all the people I love are gone from my life! And with that, I think that I will go love my husband who will be home in a few hours by vacuuming and getting dinner started - Salmon with limon and avocado on a bed of brown rice with a side of lightly steamed brocolli. Hmm, maybe I'll have a snack first ... =D

Last Night's Dream

Driving in my oldish white pick up truck, down the freeway, the back packed with stuff - Josh's sheriff's clothes, boots, and misc stuff and Kathleen's ex boyfriend and her papers and bags. I was carrying them in my truck down the freeway, transporting all their stuff because they couldn't or wouldn't. They are riding in the cab with me and I am driving. Behind me a cop flashes his lights on and pulls me over. The junk in the bed of my truck was improperly secured and thus hazardous. As an officer of the peace it is his job to protect others from such hazards and so I must be arrested. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't even my stuff, but he doesn't want to hear it. Josh, being scared of having to write more reports for the TAC officers ditches us and escapes from the scene (sort of melts away). So Kathleen and I go to jail. But she refuses to leave her ex-boyfriend to be confiscated by the officer, and so we sneak him into jail with us. I allow all of Josh's stuff to stay in the truck and get towed. If he wants it he can deal with it. So we hide Kathleen's ex in the shower of the woman's jail. The cop is a bit of a jerk and refuses to talk to me in English - I got pulled over on the wrong side of town you see, and so he would only talk to me in Spanish. Frustrated, but able to communicate, I argue that he shouldn't have arrested us. But he had a quota to fill, and Kathleen and I were driving hazardously. Kathleen doesn't care to argue - she's too scared that someone will discover her ex in the woman's shower (he has a tendency to pop his head out at the wrong moment and say stupid things that aren't helpful). After a night in prison we are released and there is a long black limo waiting for us with a kind-looking English driver. We throw all of our junk in the back (Kathleen's ex and all her other junk) my bag of junk i keep next to me in a plastic shopping bag (three pairs of shoes and my yellow Chinese silk jacket). I don't know where my bag of stuff came from, but it's really important to me that I don't lose it - especially a pair of yellow and pink silk wedge shoes. The limo driver is inclined to like me, I can tell that he thinks I'm a nice girl who just got involved in the wrong thing at the wrong time. As we climb into the limo I try to explain to him that we got arrested only because the officer had to fill a quota - it wasn't really my fault. But as I explain and he looks at me I see his face harden against me. He doesn't believe me any more and now is sure that I am guilty of some crime. He sits there and I know that he won't start the limo and take us away because of my guilt. I know that I am not guilty because it was there stuff, but in a way, I am guilty, because I allowed myself to be burdened with other people's stuff and that made me hazardous to others. So I really am guilty after all. The driver looks at me harshly, and then I wake up.